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Leoben · 03-11-2020, 03:29 PM

Ready for grading, 1041 words (draft related so double?)

Josef Kubinec is used to long off-seasons. His time in the SMJHL was filled with disappointment and he has yet to see the post-season in the SHL. He has been doing his part and supporting his team during the rebuild and they feel like they are almost there.

“I feel like we are close you know? It’s been a long three seasons with ups and downs. I was very disappointed with my performance last season, especially coming off a season where I was nominated for the Andy Richter Trophy.”

Kubinec is referring to the Aidan Richan Trophy for most improved player but he glosses over this after being corrected. “Whatever. I had high expectations for myself and I fell a little short. I mean I hit a hundred points but that’s not really a big deal. I need to do more. I need to make a major impact this year which is why I wanted to have this interview. You and me go back a ways and I wanted you to be the one to break the story. It’s been an interesting journey for me so far, but I needed to shake things up.”

Kubinec builds up his announcement with me for what seems like an hour. It’s as if he’s imagining himself at a press conference but it’s just one reporter. I have never met the guy before but he claims to know me from high school. I’m fifteen years older than him though.

“So the last game of the season, it was a pretty good turnout. The Texas fans are very supportive and passionate, even when we are not doing so hot. There must have been about 100,000 fans in attendance as I scored a hat trick and won two fights.”

I checked the box score for that game. Kubinec notched an assist and seven shots in a 3-1 loss to New Orleans. But I don’t correct him on that or the attendance.

“It was a great feeling, sticking it to New Orleans like that. It was like my redemption story. The team lifted me up and carried me off the ice. No one has been carried off the ice in a celebratory way in Texas for forty seasons. That’s true. Unfortunately, we didn’t make the playoffs which didn’t make sense to me. I don’t really understand the rules or standings or anything like that. I mean I’m a smart guy, not to toot my own horn, but beep beep man. I remember when Noah Brusky was having trouble with his skates one day and I taught him how to tie his skates using bunny ears instead of the loop and swoop thing. Blew his mind man. Dank and Jearim were so pleased with me that they named me captain for the rest of the season.”

I cannot confirm the story of Brusky’s skates but as far as I can tell, Kubinec was never named captain.

“Another time, Andreas Kvalheim was having trouble with his ladyfriend, didn’t know how to talk to her. So I invited them over to my apartment for steaks one night. Anyway, she left him for me but he just understood, like, she’d be happier with me. And he was kind of honored you know? Like, “Hey man, she dumped me for Kubinec.” It’s a pretty big deal.”

Kvalheim was not available for comment to confirm or deny this.

“So yea, I’ve been this great team player and I just woke up last week and realized what I needed to do to really get us over the hump. So, I have decided to declare for the Season 53 SHL Draft.”

I tell him that it is not possible because he was already drafted back in Season 47.

“Well yea but I’m going to do it again. And since I’ve already got all this experience, I figure I should get drafted pretty early. That will help Texas a lot.”

When pressed for an explanation, Kubinec seems baffled that I don’t understand.

“What don’t you understand? People declare for the Draft all the time. I don’t see why I can’t. Then Texas can draft me again and we can do really well this season.”

Kubinec has recently signed a three year extension with the Renegades.

“Well yea, that contract will still be there and I still plan on honoring it obviously. But I think it would really help Texas in the long-run to draft a prospect like me. And there are some serious studs in this class. But I really think this is going to mess with a lot of draft boards now that they see I am there. All those mocks will have to be thrown out now. I’m like the crazy unpredictable guy! You better draft me! Or not! I don’t know! Ha!”

I attempt to end the interview but he requests one more quote.

“I have a message for all the GMs. Are you recording? You better be recording. I have a message for all the GMs. If you don’t draft me on Draft Day, it will come back to haunt you. Not in a threatening way. But like, I might score a goal or two on you. But you need to know that even if you draft me, I’m a Renegade for life. So like I’ll be playing for you, and then halfway through the game, I’ll take off your jersey to reveal a Renegade jersey! Swerve bro! Diamond cutter, good night, go home. And to all the other prospects out there, you better just stay home. Because Kubinec is eligible. And when you see these beautiful blue eyes, you better hide your wives and swallow your pride, because the Finnish Phantom (originally Czech but whatever) is coming and by the time you see me, too late. You’ve already lost. So when I climb that ladder and get that briefcase, and take out that Texas Contract, and get drafted, well that’s just the perfect storm. But this storm isn’t seasonal. It’s year round. Boom!”

dankoa · 03-11-2020, 03:32 PM

woah

Jearim · 03-11-2020, 03:38 PM

HOLY.. CRA.....

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