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StamkosFan · 07-29-2020, 03:51 PM

League members are incensed and demanded a restart after 100% of participants parlayed on Tampa under 3.5. The league is reeling from Tampa's two inexplicable wins, and the general consensus is that something was going on. There is just no rational way or plausible explanation for these victories; they were supposed to go 0-50. Everyone said this was a surefire bet, a lock to parlay on. After losing hundreds of millions for multiple seasons, the casino is finally making some bank. Its organizers were seen laughing hysterically while pointing at a standings screen, unable to believe their luck.

"Everyone mocked us for making it too easy, well look who's laughing now? You all just fell for our ploy. We can just shut it all down now, nothing to keep track of; we've already won pretty much. Of all the things that happened in 2020, this was the most unpredictable. Tampa really is the hero of our venture here, we offered them a 10% cut of the winnings to take five games and they came through. I'm really going to enjoy draining everyone's bank accounts and financially ruining them," said casino manager Grum.

Players are threatening a lockout next season if Tampa does not go back to losing, because this just isn't how things should be. If they have to write it into the CBA that the Barracuda can't win, well they will do whatever it takes to make sure this never occurs again. New Orleans cheating on lines blatantly and getting away with it is one thing, that's the status quo and nothing people didn't expect to happen. But the Barracuda were only supposed to not fold to be free wins for teams like the Panthers, and now there is no way the middle of the pack teams can pretend to be relevant. They must be dismantled immediately, or HO must take some action to prevent them from winning again.

"Everyone told me it was a guarantee. It was a sure thing, easy money. There's something sketchy going on, the casino has to be in on this and helping to rig the sims. This just wasn't in the realm of possibility, it's supposed to be more likely to win the lottery than to lose this bet. I hope HO will investigate this and ban whatever Tampa is doing. I'm sure they're cheating and I'm sure Hamilton is too just because I know they're victimizing the league somehow," said a representative of the players union.

The league is expected to issue a public order that Trella stop trying to succeed and return to tanking. As a new GM, he clearly does not know his place in the world, and they'll need him to fall in line right away. This is shaping up to be one of the biggest scandals in SHL history, and one that will devastate the league to its very core.

Next up on the Onion News Network: Watch Hamilton unveil a statue of Aaron Wilson sitting behind his keyboard.