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Kraagenskul · 08-03-2020, 07:44 PM

Las Vegas, Nevada (AP) - The Vancouver Whalers’ young team visited Las Vegas today and with a day off decided to take in some of the city’s offerings. With this being an expansion team for most of the players it was the first time they had sojourned there and they were all excited to take in the glitter and lights.

Teammates Lonnie O’Donoghue, Sarah Burke, and Wile E. Coyote ,all avid hikers, decided to go for a traverse in the nearby wilderness deserts of the area. While O’Donoghue and Burke were both enthusiastic about the sites, Coyote was apparently disappointed about some of the local wildlife. “That *****ing little bird is a ****ing roadrunner? Are you ****ing kidding me?” was the only response we got from him.

Some of the players decided to take in the famed music the city is known for. Zebulon Leavitt was convinced by some of his Russian teammates, Rikki Petrov, Daniil Nikiforov, and KnockedOut ByOvechkin, to attend the Barry Manilow concert with them. “It was, okay, I guess? He does put on quite a show. I was more impressed that they knew every word to every song. Although Niki [Nikiforov] cried a lot during the performance so he had trouble singing along.”

Ryosuke Sato and Luffy Richard ended up being the best man and maid of honor at an Elvis themed wedding. They were walking down the street when a young couple accosted them and asked them to help out with their wedding and the pair agreed. They had a blast although neither will admit who played which role for the nuptials.

A good portion of the team apparently decided to check out one of the more cultural offerings. When asked where they were going, Johnny Shuffleboard looked a bit worried before replying “Um, the museum?” Before being asked to elaborate, teammate Clint O’Connor saved him by remarking “Well, there are certainly works of art where we are going.”

Some of the players caused a bit of a ruckus at the famed Bellagio casino. Management and security asked them to leave because they felt they were a nuisance. The casino would not comment on the reason for the eviction, but employee Alan Fontaine provided information on the condition he not be named. “Their team goalie [Name Redacted], was winning at Blackjack, and aside from the four of them being loud because he was raking it in, the casino kicked him out for counting cards.”

Whalers’ Winger Dee Centerman IV countered, “Counting cards? Really? The only reason Red Light [Name Redacted] can count to 21 is because he’s a guy. They kicked us out because they thought Kappy [Victor Kauppinen] was sexually harassing employees since Sweetie [William Hartman] told him the correct way to say hello to women in English is ‘Nice-’ Um, wait, I don’t think you can print that last word.”

In what we were told was completely unrelated a Whalers spokesperson announced today that the team would be attending sensitivity training because “The Whalers are a forward thinking team and want to ensure that our players have all the tools they need to be successful while interacting with the public.”

Lane Larue reporting for the Associated Press.