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StadiumGambler · 05-25-2021, 05:49 PM

(word count's like 550 with x2 Charity media bonus, article is satire and isn't legally able to offend anyone, doing this for the money, etc)

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With the expansion announcement and branding in the books, and the league considering stepping their playoff format up to 16 teams to accommodate teams that previously missed the playoff at 80+ points, the league seems to be heading into a new era with some optimism for success.

However, a successful expansion to 20 teams and possible consideration for a better playoff format has confused some people who follow the league, as the truth is that SHL's Head Office should be incapable of making continuous good decisions like this. Conspiracy theorists throughout the league are suspicious of events, and theories are wildly circulating as to this sudden burst of competence.

"It's aliens!" said one league insider. "Aliens are brainwashing all members of SHL management, as part of their diabolical plan to enslave us all!"

"Actually, it's probably a series of kidnappings." said another league insider. "They abudcted all of the incompetent members of Head Office, and replaced them with random people off the street who are somehow better."

"It's probably Mike Izzy's fault!" said some drunk guy we interviewed on the street who hates the city of Calgary. "Let's go to an online forum and complain about it!"

This rise of industry in truth may be attributed to some recent forward-thinking decisions by the mysterious Nour and LukeTD Agencies, who are said to wield tremendous influence over the office of the Commissioner. The acceptance of Montreal and Philadelphia into the league, despite some misgivings by biased idiots in the mainstream media about another Canadian team, have been well-received by analysts, who expected a 3rd team in California and a Cleveland franchise instead.

Montreal and Philadelphia's branding, approved by head office, as also generated significant income for the league, with the Dankoa and Acsolap Agencies reporting "minimum seven figure profits" in jersey sales before a puck has even dropped for both teams yet.

"I mean, we were expecting the Cleveland Steamers and the Salt Lake City Sand Lions or whatever, and instead we get...... pretty good branding?" said another league insider. "I mean, the Patriotes logo guy looks like a total douchebag, but that is probably the point, the logo guy is French Canadian after all. Also pretty sure the Quebec flag is blue not red, and that may have offended 70% of Quebec. But still, it's better than the atrocity committed on the public by the Tampa Bay Barracuda rebrand."

Some people are panicking at the good decisions made by Head Office, worried that more may come with potentially destabilizing effects on the hockey world.

"I mean, Jesus Christ, first they accept two competent expansion proposals, then they're probably going to fix the playoffs so that team like Chicago don't get screwed out of a spot again with 90 points? What's next? A dispersal draft to steal Hamilton's talent and redistribute it to cooler teams? More free league-wide doses of Total Pectoral Energizing? Enabling teams to escape from under 3 year inactive draftee contracts? How will I get my dick hard now if I don't have the justification to say "Fuck Head Office" in every hockey related thread on social media?"

The SHL Onion will keep track of this story of SHL Head Office competence as it develops.

***sköldpaddor*** · 05-25-2021, 05:56 PM

05-25-2021, 05:49 PMStadiumGambler Wrote: "It's aliens!" said one league insider. "Aliens are brainwashing all members of SHL management, as part of their diabolical plan to enslave us all!"

why are you dragging manyhands into this he’s done nothing wrong smh

DeletedAtUserRequest · 05-25-2021, 07:04 PM

#true ^

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