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spidey · 04-15-2023, 02:06 PM

If you are like me, you have seen a ton of players come into the SMJHL, they seem like they will be full of potential and could make a real impact on the league for years to come. Only to seem them fade away and disappear never to be heard from again. Today on the Lifestyles of the SMJHL we are going to take a dive into the most recent draft class and look into those who have already worked their way out of a SMJHL job during their first season.

*Harmonious harp and string music kicks up and a montage of expensive watches, jet skis, top sports cars, boats, mansions, a jet powers through the screen. The host is talking to various players through out the SMJHL history as they laugh, dance, and shake hands. *

Welcome to the Lifestyles of the SMJHL I am your host Craig Turner, and I am here to show you the great lifestyle these young players have already achieved, well typically I am here to do that. Today however we are going to look at where are they, the season 71 draft was just completed a few short weeks ago. There was so much hope for these players and yet we find so many have gone missing in such a short time. Today we will answer, where did they go, what are they doing, and perhaps why they never found success in such a short amount of time. We are only focusing on the players that have been removed from their team’s roster and were drafted.

*Screen star washes and Craig is now standing in front of a beautiful beach mansion*

AUZZIE CHAMBERS
Here we are a beautiful mansion in Carolina, the home to one of the most important people in the SMJHL Carolina Kraken GM Sve7en, and right beside the mansion gates we find one of his prized picks from the draft Auzzie Chambers. You see Auzzie was drafted in the 6th round of the SMJHL draft. Even being a later pick in a draft there were high expectations for Auzzie with in the Carolina franchise.

Auzzie’s high expectations were quick squashed when they realized he was from Australia and never even knew you could skate on ice. He only knew ice was used as a way to keep your drinks cold. Here is a video of his first practice.

*Auzzie saying something incoherent to a coach as he wobbles back and forth on his skates making his way down the hall to the ice for practice. He carefully places his first foot. Lefts his second foot as the first foot kicks out from underneath him, catches his helmet on the boards and pops it off as he falls backwards. Lands headfirst against the ground not moving. *

Auzzie ended up being ok, but it was determined he would not be a functioning member of the team. Still Sev7en had a plan and place for the young player, and now Auzzie is a personal chamber pots team member in Sev7en’s own mansion. A spot he has really excelled in.

CHAD CHADWICK
Perhaps Mr. Chadwick missed his calling. He was or at least should have been a superhero with a name like that. Still the Maine Timber decided to take a chance on drafting a future starting goalie. At least that was the belief in the team management when he was picked up in the 5th round.

Alas poor Chadwick never got the chance to even backup for the Maine Timber. The team had two strong options in net, and Chad was the third string potential. Chad seeing a fate that would never be decided to take his life saving/game saving talents and joined the forest rangers in Maine. He has gone on to become one of the most decorated forest rangers in Maine’s history in an incredibly short amount of time. Awards such as fighting a Grizzly bare handed to save a baby. Busting a drug deal among the trees, and 60% of the drugs making its way to the evidence box. Punching a drunk tourist for pissing in one of there beautiful lakes, then pissing on that tourist. Finally, not swatting a fly as it is an important part of the ecosystem in Maine.

ARON MAHON
The Great Falls Grizzlies believed in this Right Winger selecting him in the 5th round of the SMJHL draft. He looked to be a future star showing a lot of promise early in his SMJHL career. But things we sour quickly for Mr. Mahon as the high life of the SMJHL world came crashing down quickly around him. He was seen in team meetings taking bumps to get himself energized. During practice his water bottle was filled with Whiskey, when team management caught that he switched to Vodka as it was flavorless and odorless like water. During games he would powder his gloves and between shifts quickly snort back a line on his finger. He did a good job of hiding it, but it became clear he was heading down a terrible path.

Probably it all came crashing down during the final preseason game, the coach sent him in during the second period. He jumped over the boards and immediately crashed down to the ice. Not evening moving from that position he threw up on the ice and his bowels released themselves. The trainers carefully came to get him stretchered him out of the arena and sent him to the hospital. There were signs all around, but no one knew for sure until that day just how bad he was.

Now he is getting the help he needs from rehab group and things are starting to look positive for Aron as he recovers his life. The Great Falls Grizzlies are open to bringing him in as a councilor role to other young stars to share his experience and ensure the players stay on the right path.

MICHAEL DOUCET
He was lovingly nick named MR. INSIGNIFAGENT at the SMJHL Draft as the last player selected in the draft. Mr. Doucet was brought in, the team tried to energize him and get his buy in for the SMJHL, but all the Grizzlies could do was watch as a prized pick decided to take up a career as an artist. Never committing to his hockey craft Doucet used his hiring bonus and bought all sorts of art supplies.

He is now known as one of the greatest stick men drawing artist of his time with paintings going for as high as $5 at the local swap sites and street corners near you.

ROYAL PIZZA
Selected in the 6th round this mammoth of a man brought a lot of intrigue to the SMJHL world. He was active to start and looked like he may have been a steal within this draft. But as time went on, he became less active in team activities and stopped training all together.

He now has made his way back to his Pizza franchises where he rakes in $100 million a year. Proving there is more then one way to become rich in this world.

NATE ESJAYKAY
Nate ESJAYKAY was a 5th round selection of the Colorado Raptors. Things were going well, very well for the rookie. He was loved in his locker room. Loved by the coaches. Loved by the fans. Loved by the organization. Loved by the SMJHL. Everyone loved the rookie, including the General Managers’ wives.

A huge scandal broke out after General Manager Ruggsy and Jay2223 found both their wives in bed with the rookie during a team road trip.

Jay2223 was quoted saying “I had been asking her for years to do this with me, how did the rookie manage to get her to do this!”

Ruggsy took matters into his own hands and the rookie was kicked off the team during the road trip and told to find his own way home. Not much has been said or seen of the rookie since this incident but it is believed he is now starting to work on his movie career in the adult industries.

RYAN DESHARKIE
Ryan Desharkie was selected by the Detroit Falcons in the 4th round of the SMJHL Draft one of the earlier selected players to be booted from a team. Ryan Desharkie was often confused with 39alaska39 both with their shark similarities. Unfortunately for the Falcons that is where their similarities ended. With one being a legend in the game the other never even showing up. Desharkie just stayed home and never came to team training camp, practice or even answered any phone calls from the Detroit Falcons.

Today we still find Ryan living in his mom’s basement, all though he often calls her his room mate and he isn’t living with her she is living with him.

MATTIS REIS
Drafted by the Yukon Malamutes in the 5th round, had no idea what a Malamute is or how it would relate to the team. On his first week of joining his new team, he found out they were a type of dog, being in the Yukon he thought it would be best to go on a dog sledding adventure to better understand the dogs, their history of the land, and how they will be a part of his life.

He left on March 3rd at 9:30 am in the morning, on a 6-dog team with plenty of supplies and a radio.

3 days later no one had heard from Mattis again.

3 more days later the dog sled team returned with one carrying a bloody foot.

No one could confirm the foot belonged to Mattis, at this time he is believed to be dead, most likely killed by a Yeti or a Snow Dragon. A serious blow to the Malamute Organization as they had high hopes of this draft pick.

Finally, we have one last bonus player to look at. This player was never drafted but pre-draft was expected to be an earlier round pick and could have been selected as early as the 3rd round with how active he looked to be in the SMJHL world. But moments leading up to the draft drama happened and Michael Adams (Setoah) took a terrible turn. Let’s look into this one.

MICHAEL ADAMS (SETOAH)
Michael Adams Left Defenseman looked to be the next big thing from Germany, with so many great accomplishments coming from there, BMW, Hefeweizen, the U-boat. Germany is place consistently innovating some of the best we have to offer. Michael Adams may have been the next great thing to come out of Germany and take North America by storm…now re-thinking that U-boat comment.

Michael Adams was a bone crushing, goal scoring defenseman. He had dominated the German top league in points and hits. He had the looks, he had the skill, and he was charismatic on the mike. The media would have loved him, the team would have loved him, the crowd would have loved him.

Unfortunately for Mike the German Mafia also loved him, and he was in deep with them. They did not want their number one drug mule to go. He provided an easy way for the German Mafia to move their drugs from city to city though out Germany and Europe as Michael Adams bypassed most security checks and was welcomed into many cities throughout Europe and Germany. Unfortunately, his talents became too great, and he was going to be coming to North America where the German Mafia would not be able to touch him or use him anymore. Even worse if he did reach North American soil, he could find protection and he would be able to rat out the German Mafia in his home country.

He was given one more run to do and told he would be setting up a new buyer in North America. They stuffed more narcotics up his keister then he had ever experienced before. Being promised this last run would be his last and they would not bother him again. He agreed.

Unknown to Michael the drugs were wrapped in a dissolving plastic. Over a 10-hour flight the package was slowly wearing away. The fateful moment happened when he reached North America the day of the draft he was walking through security when he fell to the floor screaming and kicking. His mouth foamed and he went into cardiac arrest.

The medical team on the ground was able to bring him back from the dead a few times but he now sits comatose in a medical bed. He will likely never awake from his current state and will live out his life unable to be a functioning member of the human race again.

Well, there you have it folks, the Lifestyles of the SMJHL has gone through all the hopefuls that have never reached their full potential in the SMJHL. They were loved and hated. Found success and failure outside of this league. We just wish the rest of the SMJHL rookies the best of luck as the season looks to wrap up in just a week and we get ready for the playoffs and off season run. This is Craig Turner saying stay active and have fun my friends.

*Music kicks in as end credits starts to roll and Craig Turner walks off revealing a beautiful ocean dock with luxury yachts*

***MikeLiut*** · 04-18-2023, 11:50 AM

Your articles are amazing!

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