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*AuggieO* · 03-13-2024, 07:40 AM

Raking SMJHL team mascots in order of who would be the hardest to beat in a fight. Since most of the mascots are plural (with the exception of Armada, Timber, Elk, Kraken, Battleborn) I am going to allow them to all be plural and give consideration into how many of them I can beat in a fight if it helps the storyline.

First Section here are the mascots that don’t really exist and/or are inanimate and I think I would successfully beat them (or at least a significant number of them):

14. Anchorage Armada
An armada is either a fleet or warships or a Nissan. Either way- I’m going to assume they do not come stocked with people and/or are not self driving. Therefore I could win in a fight against an infinite number of warships because I don’t live near a body of water large enough for them to be in and therefore they cannot get to me. And if they are cars- I do live near roads but how are they going to get to me? I guess they can clog up all the roads so I can’t get to the grocery store and starve but I feel like I can figure out a new way to live without access to the roads. Or walk to the store. But I also feel like if they clogged up all the roads this would become a government problem and they would help me out because *no one* would be able to get to the stores or work or anything.

13. Quebec City Citadelles
This is very similar to the situation above where I am going to assume that since a Citadelle is basically a fortress there is no one inside of it that is going to try and fight me and I am getting the added bonus that I think I could potentially be able to light citadelles on fire since they are buildings… going off the assumption here that they are not straight up stone. So I would say that I could also beat an infinite number of citadelles.

12. St Louis Scarecrows
The Scarecrows. These are at least human-like but since I am going to keep them inanimate for the purposes of this article I think I could just A) walk around them and go on with my daily life or B) walk around with one of those little metal fire starters that we used in chemistry class and light them up and instantly defeat them. Easy peasy.

11. Vancouver Whalers
Similar to the Armada that is a ship and not a car, these need bodies of water to survive! I do not live near a body of water large enough for them to get to me. Unless they are going to be dropped into the fighting arena (have to admit that that's basically how the battleborns are getting to me ((read below))) in which case I would be crushed instantly but for the purpose of this hypothetical situation of which I am in total control- whalers/whales are not a threat to me and honestly if more started spawning in the oceans to try to outnumber me they would run out of food sources before being able to get to me so it’s a self-limiting problem.

10. Nevada Battleborn
I don’t really know what a battleborn is and upon Yahoo-ing it (just kidding, I obviously use Bing) it appears to be a video game. So as long as we are talking about video game discs and their containers I think I can beat enough of them until they begin to drown me and I get trapped and run out of air. So I’m going to say that if a standard video game case is 190mm by 135mm by 15mm (thanks Bing) that makes them about 23.45 cubic inches or 0.013570602 cubic feet (this seems large- don’t check my math because I’ll be embarrassed if it’s wrong). If a 12 foot by 12 foot room is 1728 cubic feet than I can take about 127,334 video game cases until the room is full and I am trapped. Again, please don’t check my math.

9. Maine Timber
Something I can quantify! I think that I can probably escape all the trees around my house trying to fall on me by the abilities of ducking and weaving. I’m going to give a VERY rough estimate that there are about 50 trees that are large enough to really hurt if they fell on me and 50 trees that are small enough that I can sort of push them aside as they fall and they’ll miss falling on me. And I’m going to say that if 100 trees tried to fall on me every day I would be able to go about one and a half years before I became too careless and one of the big trees finally got to me. So I’m going to say I could go up against 54,750 trees going TIMBER in a fight and still win.

8. Carolina Kraken
Krakens do not exist. So yes in real life I could beat any number of them by just waking up from the nightmare and realizing that they don’t exist and I am safe in my bed. But I would say it would take a Kraken about 2 years (this is based on MUCH research and no pulling number out of thin air at all) to get big enough and evolve enough to swim to the shore nearest me and then become land capable and waddle with its tentacles to where I am and then I think once the fight began I would last about 0.5 seconds but at least it took 2 years for it to get to me. I could move more inland and then last longer?

Second Section here are mascots that exist and/or at one time existed (Raptors- I’m looking at you, you extinct little guys).

7. Detroit Falcons
Out of the remaining teams which are mostly animals (I always think it’s strange that humans don’t really classify themselves as animals. If you are alive- you are an animal, a plant or a fungi. I get the nuance of it but I don’t want to hear anyone being like “humans aren't animals” what are they then?? A plant?? A fungi?? No. Animal.) ANYWAY Falcons are definitely the smallest of the remaining animal mascots and therefore possibly the easiest to beat. They have those scary talons and I think one could probably beat me up but if I was armed with what is currently at my disposal… a large water bottle, a vacuum, and some weights with 7.5lb plates on them I think I could take out at least 3 falcons but would probably fall to the fourth one.

6. Regina Elk
While Elk look like such beautiful creatures, those antlers are something that I do not want to mess with. Females weigh 500ish pounds with males clocking in at 700+ pounds. Since the Regina Elk have antlers on their logo I am going to go ahead and assume that this fighting Elk is going to be a solid 700 plus pounds. I would be like “you’re a pretty elk, you make all of the boy elk go wahhhh” and then the Elk would swoop in with those antlers or stomp me into the ground. I said that any of the mascots could be plural but I don't’t think the elk need it. One could take me out.

5. Yukon Malamutes
I love doggies and I think that these little fluff balls would be so interested in all of my snacks I would be able to avoid fighting them for about 10 minutes but upon running out of snacks I’m sure they would eat me up, which is very very sad. Malamutes, I’m having a hard time judging you because you’re so cute and you are just doggies and I love you and I just want to pet you and I’m supposed to fight you? I’m just going to leave you here at spot #5 and say that I could possibly take one Malamute and keep it in a choke hold but if another one squared up I’d be fudged.

4. Great Falls Grizzlies
I feel like this needs very little explanation, but one grizzly bear could definitely take me out. Although I always have a hard time remembering if it’s grizzly bears, black Bears, polar bears, etc. that are aggressive and which one of those are basically big dogs. But as established, I can definitely be taken down by dogs, so I’m going to say that grizzlies would be harder to fight than malamutes.

3. Kelowna Knights
As the Knights are smart, physically fit humans who are trained to fight and are shrouded in an impermeable metal casing I’m going to put a shot in the dark here that I don’t stand a chance. They are basically medieval assassins which is why I am ranking them so high. They are the first mascot on the list who actually has the forethought to want to fight me. Of course if I had modern day artillery maybe but fist to lance I stand no chance. I would definitely be leaving that encounter with more than a flesh wound (No, @By-Tor I don’t want to watch Monty Python)

2. Newfoundland Berserkers
I did have to use Google (did you actually believe I use Bing?) to clarify exactly what this mascot had in store for me. A berserker is “a member of a class of ancient Norse warriors who worked themselves into a frenzy before battle and fought with abnormal fury and courage.” I remember when I was in Middle School (go Dragons!) we learned about soldiers who did shrooms and got naked before going into battle for courage and basically to intimidate their opponents. Yeah I definitely feel like I would be intimidated by a naked soldier on shrooms trying to kill me.

1. Colorado Raptors
Have we watched Jurassic World? This gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about fighting them. The needle sharp teeth AND claws? I feel like my only chance of survival is locking myself in a bomb shelter or climbing a tree. But I would have to have a head start because those little things are creepy fast. If these things get un-extinct sign me up for the first ticket to the moon or Australia or wherever they are not. I don’t have an interest in living in fear of getting absolutely shredded by a Raptor at any given time.

Do you agree with my rankings? Which mascot would you fear fighting the most? Tell me how much you agree with me in the comments Wink

AuggieO out

PS I'm pretty sure I messed up the poll so you can't see the results and I don't know how to fix it Smile

Will possibly post results in a few days #newb

***kahri*** · 03-13-2024, 07:44 AM

Kraken may not be a scary mascot but have you seen that old lady on their team? She’s terrifying and will snap your femur in half

*puolivalmiste* · 03-13-2024, 07:47 AM

Should have pasted without formating so it is readable in darkmode.

Edit: Thank you

ec06aaj · 03-13-2024, 10:20 AM

"Krakens do not exist" incredibly bold opinion, don't go on a cruise anywhere

***Shiamus*** · 03-13-2024, 02:11 PM

If a tree fell on you in a forest, would you make a sound?

*Ruggsy* · 03-13-2024, 03:31 PM

There's actually some evidence that velociraptors climbed trees so you better hope for that bomb shelter

*ZootTX* · 03-13-2024, 05:00 PM

The absolute disrespect for boats with large guns on them.

Poll: Your opinion? You do not have permission to vote in this poll.
ANC	3.03%	1	3.03%
KEL	3.03%	1	3.03%
MET	3.03%	1	3.03%
VAN	0%	0	0%
NL	18.18%	6	18.18%
YUM	6.06%	2	6.06%
COL	12.12%	4	12.12%
DET	0%	0	0%
STL	24.24%	8	24.24%
CAR	9.09%	3	9.09%
NBB	0%	0	0%
QCC	6.06%	2	6.06%
REG	6.06%	2	6.06%
GFG	9.09%	3	9.09%
Total		33 vote(s)	100%

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