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hkyCoach · 08-07-2014, 11:27 AM

August 7th, 2014
Kelowna Daily Courier
Kelowna, British Columbia
Taro Tsujimoto

In what can only be described as a horrific turn of events the Kelowna Knights have escalated their battle of words with their provincial rival, the Vancouver Whalers. Hot on the heels of the recent ‘Toilet Stall Incident’ the Knights may have gone too far in their latest prank. As Kelowna Daily Courier readers know, the most recent incident at Prospera Place left the Knights’ home with a gaping hole in the wall, and sewage seeping into the parking lot. While no one was severely injured, two Knight employees were taken to hospital for treatment of minor injuries.

While we’re still waiting to hear from the league on possible sanctions after the Toilet Stall Incident, the Kelowna Knights’ pranks have now turned deadly. Currently, only two members of the team are known to have been involved: centre Gryck Rhobinson and defenseman Jackson Rodgers-Tanaka. In contrast to their most recent hijinks, the prank on the Vancouver Whalers started out sadistic, as the pranksters set out to kill the Whaler’s beloved mascot “Flappy the Wonder Whale”.

In what can only be described as an operation bordering on military like precision, in the early morning hours multiple members of the Kelowna Knights broke into the Pacific Coliseum. From what can be inferred from the evidence, three groups of Knights’ divided their tasks in order to achieve their deadly result. The first team broke into the maintenance facilities and absconded with two of the forklifts normally used for moving heavy equipment and bleachers when the figure skating rink has to be removed for Kenny G and Enya concerts. While the forklift team was acquiring transportation, a second team was bypassing the security measures of Flappy’s holding tank and tranquilizing the creature. At the same time, a third team was preparing the execution grounds at the near-by PNE Amphitheatre.

As stated before, the only two currently known to have partaken in this egregious affair are Gryck Rhobinson, and Jackson Rodgers-Tanaka. However it is suspected that many more Knights were involved in order to pull off such a complex operation. At present right wing Mikko Koskinen is suspected to be involved after his involvement in the Toilet Stall Incident.

A Grizzly Death
After the fork lift team brought their vehicles to Flappy’s hold tank, the ‘security team’ aided by attaching Flappy’s tail to the fork lifts using chains brought by the team members. The two teams then worked together, using a combination man and machine, the perpetrators dragged the thousand pound pygmy sperm whale the two hundred and fifty metres to his final resting spot in the PNE Amphitheatre.

There the execution team waited.

The helpless whale was dragged to the centre of the amphitheatre where it was put to death.

[Warning the following description is not for the faint of heart]
Flappy’s belly was cut open using a hockey skate found on the scene. At which point some quantity of explosives were crammed into his belly. Shockingly, a member of the Knights captured the moment the explosives were detonated using his cell phone camera.
[Image: whale-explodes-gif.jpg]

From what can be ascertained in the video footage, the explosives used were larger than what was involved in the Toilet Stall Incident, but still small enough that bystanders would not be injured. Additionally, it appears that the explosives detonated prematurely, though no one was injured, except for Flappy - he’s dead.

Residents in the area reported hearing the explosion, but were unaware that anything was amiss due to the construction of the “Vancouver Whalers Super Xtreme Fun Park Land” going on nearby. The Super Xtreme Fun Park Land is the Vancouver Whaler’s latest attempt to bring some amount of fun to the grounds of the Pacific Coliseum. The hope is that the organization can eventually migrate away from the SMJHL to compete as a ‘Canadian Disney World’. The amusement park is the first phase of that plan.

[Update]
It has been discovered that Mikko Koskinen was able to obtain the explosives needed to execute his savage task from the explosives locker at the construction site. Early reports indicate that the budget overruns surrounding the park’s construction have lead to not only require the organization to cut corners on the construction process, but on maintaining proper staffing and security. This cannot bode well for the future ‘Super Xtreme Fun Park Land’.

Remembering Flappy
Acquired from the Hartford Whalers after the team folded in 1997, Flappy was a trained pygmy sperm whale. While some members of the public disliked the captive whale, others grew to adore him. Despite continuous protests from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) the Whalers held firm on their belief that Flappy was in fact good luck for the team.

Whaler team members Marek Vysoč and Nicholas Flamel were seen hugging and crying outside the arena when the corpse of their cherished mascot was discovered. While several members of the team’s staff have sought the services of a grief counsellor.

But was Flappy as wonderful as the team’s portrayal?

In 2010 Flappy maimed his trainer during an off-season show, intended to draw interest to the team and help support sagging season ticket sales. And while it has never been confirmed, it is believed that the team covered up a fatal accident involving seven year old Mike Brosnan, who was reported missing while attending a Whalers promotional event. While neither the Vancouver Whalers organization, nor the Brosnan family have publicly commented on their settlement, it is rumored to have reached the 100 million dollar range.

The League’s Response
The Whalers organization has publicly decried the event, and launched an internal investigation to discover if anyone inside the organization may have had a hand in the deadly prank. However, while the Whalers appear outraged, the SMJHL league offices has remained silent on the matter. Perhaps because internally, they’re glad the animal is gone. An anonymous member of the league office has been quoted as saying, “Do you have any idea what it cost to feed that [expletive] thing? Not to mention that poor Brosnan kid.”

While the Vancouver Whalers cry for retribution, it may be long in coming. PETA is even celebrating the event as a “final release for a tormented captive animal”. And while they may seek financial retribution from the Kelowna Knights, a source inside the SMJHL has reported that the league would not allow it to happen, citing the long-term financial benefits of not having to maintain the whale’s holding tank, insurance and feeding costs.

Vancouver locals are also reportedly happy to hear they won’t have to deal with the stench any longer. One Candice Brolsma, a long time nearby resident, commented, “I can go to the ocean any time I want. The last thing I want is that fetid odor around my house all the time. When I moved here in 1987 the whale wasn’t around, and the neighborhood was much nicer.”

And Mrs. Brolsma may be right. Zillow has reported a sudden and unprecedented uptick in home values after the late Flappy’s demise. Perhaps the Whalers should be thanking the Knights instead of crying over spilled blubber?

The Executioners
So far we are only sure of two knights involved in the death of Flappy. Though evidence on the scene implies that more than half a dozen individuals were involved.

The Forklift Team
Right now it is believe that both Jackson Rodgers-Tanaka and Gryck Rhobinson were members of the forklift team. An additional yet to be identified member aided in breaking into the maintenance facility. While two team members found keys to the forklifts, the third stood watch.

The Security Team
Responsible for breaking into Flappy’s tank and tranquilizing “Flappy the Wonder Whale”. Details are unclear, but after the Toilet Stall Incident, the Kelowna Knights hired a so called “nutritional specialist” in order to ensure that the team’s food and protein intake was handled properly. It is believed that this specialist, one Dr. House, was a member of the ‘Security Team’ and was responsible for tranquilizing the animal.

The other member of the security team is yet to be identified, but was responsible for gaining entry to the holding tank area, as well as carrying the chain used to drag Flappy from his watery prison.

The Execution Team
At least two team members made up the execution team. Mikko Koskinen is suspected of being the primary member, due to his familiarity with explosives, and his involvement in the Toilet Stall Incident. Backing up Koskinen as a watchman and assistant is an as yet unknown member of the team.

[Update: It has been discovered that the second member of the execution team was in fact Candice Brolsma of Vancouver, British Columbia]

[Update: Additional information regarding Candice Brolsma has come to light. Since the Courier revealed her as a participating member of the Execution Team, the Vancouver Whalers organization has revoked her season tickets for the upcoming season.]

Reaction from the Knights
The Knights organization has not formed an official response, but early indications from the Kelowna team are that they’re happy with the result. An anonymous, high-ranking member of the Knights organization was willing to go on record with the following statement:

“Last week we had an incident at our team training facility that caused some concern that the team was fracturing. We had some legitimate concerns going into this season. However, even the victims of the Toilet Stall Incident banded together to achieve something that will go down in the annals of SMJHL history. I’m proud to see the team and organization come together like this. Even Chuck, the maintenance worker who slipped in fecal matter settled for a significantly lower amount after hearing the news. He even went so far as to earmark some of the funds to pay for any fines handed out by the league.”