Kelowna Knights winger Ivan Koroviev celebrated his brace of goals against the St. Louis Scarecrows by attacking a celebrity and spending a night behind bars.
Friday night saw the city of Kelowna host the regular season game between the Scarecrows and the Knights, as well as the inaugural Business Music Awards. The ceremony is the latest addition to the calendar year of awards shows, and honours those artists who have helped their respective record labels to turn in the biggest profit; after all, popular music is no more than a business nowadays, with the talented likes of Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin becoming a thing of the past. Today's industry is exactly that: an industry, and one which thrives on selling over-produced, unimaginative twaddle to the pliant masses.
Prospera Place, 7p.m.
The game between the Scarecrows and the Knights was billed as being a tight affair with the potential for a lot of goals; games between the two sides this season have been amongst the highest-scoring in the league. This game did not fail to deliver goals, but tight it was not. Knights captain Randy Randleman got his team off to a perfect start after five minutes with a breakaway goal after Adam Abodobe had intercepted the puck in centre ice. Midway through the second period Randleman was at it again, sending the puck top shelf at the second attempt after Winston Windsor had blocked his first shot at Nikita Nevzorov's goal. It was Randleman's 21st goal of the season.
Nick Leier replied immediately for the visitors, but it took scarcely over a minute for the Knights to restore their two-goal lead. Stacker Pentecost crossed the blue line on the powerplay, and his cross-ice pass picked out Reginald Howard high in the slot. Howard took his opportunity first time and beat Nevzorov glove side, but the home side weren't done yet. Thirty seconds after Kelowna's third goal, pressure from centre Hugh Johnson lead to Derek Underscore turning the puck over in his own zone. Tom Berkis worked the puck out to Koroviev on the right, and the rookie fizzed one past Nevzorov to make it 4–1. Jenkins Sanchez replaced the Russian goalie thereafter, but he couldn't stop Koroviev from emulating his captain and netting a second of the night early in the third period.
Goals from Anton Fedorov and Adam Abodobe completed the scoring in a 6–2 rout for the Knights, but as far as Koroviev was concerned, the night was only getting started. Giving a brief post-game interview, the winger expressed his delight at having scored a brace for the first time in his SMJHL career, before admitting that time was of the essence; along with a handful of other Kelowna players, he was to attend the BMA After Party.
Ivan Koroviev celebrates his first goal of the night against St. Louis.
South Okanagan Events Centre, 11.30p.m.
Lead by captain Randleman, a number of Kelowna players arrived at the South Okanagan Events Centre to catch the end of the awards show, and—more importantly—to enjoy the festivities thereafter. Alcohol was as free-flowing as the pompous arrogance that exuded from many of the night's star attractions, and recently installed crystal chandeliers bathed crystal glasses of wine and champagne in the light of glitz and glamour. Already the sorry excuses for journalists that we know as fashion writers were busy working on the following morning's articles covering who wore what and who wore what best; whose behind was the most voluptuous, and who needed the aid of a trainer and/or dietician before ever trying to fit into that again. Some were fashion blind, they would say, while others were en route to becoming blind drunk.
Upon hearing of the arrival of Kelowna's finest hockey stars, rapper Kanye West promptly proclaimed himself as the "greatest hockey player in the world," and challenged anyone to disprove him. Adam Abodobe made a quick phone call to teammate Maria Maximova (who declined to attend the event on the grounds of having 'more sense than that', and armed with her intellect, Abodobe quickly disproved West's entire existence. To the shock and relief of all present, West vanished in place, his atomic structure ripped asunder in a single moment. All that remained of him was a $3,000,000 tuxedo and a pile of gold-coloured tack.
The Gay Fish is no more: Kanye West's remains.
Abodobe wasn't the only one to mingle with the stars, however. Within half an hour of their arrival, Randleman and Koroviev had consumed half their body weight in vodka, and transmuted the liquid into pure noise: the Kelowna captain was overheard on multiple occasions proclaiming his disappointment at the events' complete lack of Kenny Loggins. It has been reported that he only ceased his shouting upon the discovery that his own mother had slinked away to a bathroom stall with film legend Burt Reynolds. Other reports have claimed that upon discovering the pair together, Randleman vomited up so much stomach bile and alcohol that a small child could have been drowned in it, though luckily no children were present.
Meanwhile, Koroviev was seen talking to the birth child that Canada never wanted, Justin Bieber. Garbed in a red velvet suit, and wearing over-sized glasses and the look of a puppy who desperately wants more love than the world is willing to give it, Bieber spent over ten minutes speaking with Koroviev, during which time the winger was seen to grow more and more impatient. One bystander commented that his eyes grew so narrow that they were sure he had fallen asleep on his feet, but then Bieber pretended to strangle the Knights rookie...
The moment that Koroviev's eyes opened, and unleashed a laugh so demonic that Cthulhu himself might have risen from his watery grave.
What happened next has lead some to wonder if Koroviev wasn't trained at some point by the KGB. No sooner were the singer's hands around his neck that the Russian drove a fist into his mid-section, sending him sprawling backwards through the air and onto a finely clothed dinner table. Glasses crunched and shattered, and silver cutlery danced a momentary dance with half-empty plates of Chinaware before everything came crashing to the floor. An incensed Koroviev had to be restrained from further attacking the prone star, though many were overheard muttering "really, just let him at him. ****in' **** needs a beating."
Security promptly arrived on the scene, and the drunk Koroviev was taken into police custody, where it became apparent that he had misunderstood an idiom that Bieber had used, and that that had triggered the attack. Police Chief Barbrady commented early on Saturday morning that although the attack was the result of a misunderstanding, the police still had to take into account the fact that Koroviev was stinking drunk, and talking to Justin Bieber. "Both of these facts," he said, "will probably cancel each other out. Truth be told, every time we've taken Bieber into custody we've given him a thorough...ly good reception! Ahem!"
After taking all available information into account, the police decided to let the winger go on the following morning—once he had sobered up—and Koroviev was back on the ice in time to see his side continue their good form with a 6–1 demolition of the Prince George Firebirds, with Adam Abodobe furthering his growing reputation with a hat-trick.
Kelowna's Ice Girls cleaning up after Abodobe netted a hat-trick against Prince George.
In the wake of Friday night's scuffle, Koroviev has remained unapologetic. Our editor has deemed that the player's English is not of sufficient quality to put into print, but he did intimate that even if he wasn't drunk he would have been very tempted to punch Bieber, and that he only wishes he could have emulated his teammate Abodobe by ridding the world of an utter nuisance. Posting on his Twitter account, Koroviev tweeted a picture of his dog, Sobaka, with the following message:
Up yours Bieber. Sobaka want to **** you up too! #shlhockey
Quote:Originally posted by enigmatic@Jul 13 2015, 10:45 PM
First pick overall, guaranteed.
I wish I had attended just for that :( . My life will be filled with regrets now.
I figured you'd have had a premonition that myself, Randy, Abo, and a free bar would not end well. We're nice and all, but with all that booze around... eek.
Quote:Originally posted by Ballerstorm@Jul 13 2015, 05:52 PM
I recon you can chalk it up on the list of regrets this season right beside going on that date with Abo.
Quote:Originally posted by Ballerstorm@Jul 13 2015, 02:52 PM
I recon you can chalk it up on the list of regrets this season right beside going on that date with Abo.
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, and armed with her intellect, Abodobe quickly disproved West's entire existence. To the shock and relief of all present, West vanished in place, his atomic structure ripped asunder in a single moment. All that remained of him was a $3,000,000 tuxedo and a pile of gold-coloured tack.![[Image: K95vktW.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/K95vktW.jpg)
![[Image: alex-galchnenyuk-eugenie-bouchard-600x6021.jpg]](http://25stanley.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/alex-galchnenyuk-eugenie-bouchard-600x6021.jpg)
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