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Atlas · 01-05-2016, 10:29 AM

[Ready for grading]

Listen to this while you read, it's important that you do so.

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Thank you for joining us here today in sunny, well, wherever this is. I'm currently standing in an open field somewhere in the middle of Utah for some reason, investigating some very strange reports. We've gotten rumors of some shadowy organization, a secret cabal that has been tampering with the SHL and SMJHL in some way. These two beloved North American hockey associations are apparently under the fell influence of some lower power. Let's have a word with a few relevant figures, who can hopefully tell us more about these goings-on.

Here's Giorgio Tsoukalos, a renowned expert on all things alien and arcane, strange and unknown. You may know him from the hit TV series 'Ancient Aliens', which is the source of the widely circulated dank meme that features him with the word 'aliens' suspended between his hands. He is currently hiding from the government in a small bunker somewhere in the prairies of the midwest, which is why I'm all the way out here away from mainstream society. Here is the visionary himself, let's see what he has to say.

Interview

Hi George, thanks for being here. Can I call you George, or is there some other title you prefer?
"George is fine, just uh, make sure they're not listening to us. Only trusted allies can call me George, not any sort of secret society."

Interview

So, what can you tell us about this sort of SHL Illuminati that you discovered recently?
"Well, it's much more complex than I initially thought. I had originally been under the assumption that the commissioners and SHL front office and GMs all colluded to rig games, but it goes deeper than that. Interweaving bank accounts, drug distribution, they're very deeply embedded into the SHL, whoever they are. I can't seem to find out exactly who the members are and what they truly want, but whatever it is, it's not good. The worst part is, I know who some of the members are, but cannot publicly say who, because they'll come and ah, kill me."

Interview

And what do you think we should do about this mysterious organization?
"There's nothing that we really can do, because they're just so deep and influential. They run the show, every draft, every game, every challenge cup, they pull the strings and pick who goes where and who scores when. Nobody knows how or why, but I suspect that there's some sort of power struggle among the core members right now. I've managed to, ah, identify a few key icons that the senior members of this 'illuminati' tend to favor. They don't make any sense individually, strange symbols like a chicken sandwich, or a mentally deficient cat, or Jerry Seinfeld, but all together, well I'm not really sure about that either. From what little information I've gathered, the 'Seinfeld Acolyte' as I've dubbed him seems to be unhappy with the amount of sway he has on the SHL, as he is currently among the least successful members of this shadowy cabal. I, ah, believe that nothing will come of it, but we should be on the lookout in case it gets, ah, explosive."

Interview

Thanks for meeting with us, George. I know it must have been difficult to do so.
"When Big Brother is watching your every move, nothing is secret. Take care."

Dr. Tsoukalos also provided us with a charcoal etching of an engraved disk about one foot wide he found while investigating these rumors. It is a circle with a 15-pointed star emblazoned in the center, each outward facet of the star pointing at a peculiar symbol, no two alike. The only significant one seems to be at the very top, as it is slightly larger than all the others. This odd one out appears to be some sort of retro robot, like the kind that children in the 50's would play with, with the little lightbulbs and claw hands. The rest of the arranged symbols are all nonsensical, including the few mentioned earlier; a giant nose, a sad cloud, and other assorted oddities. However, the strangest of all has to be the sixteenth icon, perfectly centered inside the star. It is the dismembered head of a goat, bloody if not for being carved of stone. What could these symbols possibly mean?

Let's go to another correspondent in Winnipeg as he believes to have uncovered some more groundbreaking information.

Here we are in sunny Manitoba, where I believe I've unearthed an interesting little tidbit. I met this guy, a man dressed in all black hooded robes carrying a giant Jewish star on a necklace like if Flavor Flav wasn't a filthy goy. Let's see what he has to say about the allegations.

Interview

Excuse me, sir!? You look like a knowledgeable fellow, do you know anything about the reports of this shadowy cult that has the SHL in a vicegrip?
"Uh, maybe or maybe not, what would make you say that? I'm just a guy going about his daily business, Why would I know anything about the SHL Illuminati?"

Interview

I mean, I assumed, that, because of the, Jewish star...
"Well that's not very progressive of you, assuming all of my people are connected. I mean, we are, but it's still not PC bro of you to just say something like that. It is also true that we control the world, so it's pretty likely that some of us are hard at work making sure the SHL stays under an iron fist and continues to be rigged."

Interview

So do you know anything about the organization or not?
"Yeah, I know a guy who knows a guy. Whaddaya wanna know?"

Interview

Apparently this cult worships a goat, or goats plural, is that true?
"It's a bit complicated, see, they worship it in a sort of twisted way. Everyone actually hates the goat symbol, but talks about it all the fucking time, so it gets attention from pretty much the entire group anyways. Doesn't make a lick of sense to me, but, what can you do, right? Actually, I uh, think I've said too much. Hey, what's that over there?"

Interview

What's what over where? Hold on, what are you doing with that kni

enigmatic · 01-05-2016, 10:58 AM

[Image: 527aef44908aa610a9f4ad272ba0adac.jpg]

The Illuminati hate Toronto. It's confirmed now.

Nereus · 01-05-2016, 11:15 AM

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