Quote:1110 words, ready for grading.

Been a while since I wrote in my diary. Where am I even going to start?

Coming out of the pre-season I felt good, especially after the talk with my coach. I had gotten back my fighting spirit and I wanted to redeem myself both for my own self-esteem but also for my team mates who knows what I'm capable off.

The problem is that I hadn't shown it to them yet.

Starting the regular season we won our first three games! We were super psyched and felt that this could really be our season. The feeling in the group was great!
I even managed to record my first professional goal

Then came the slump.

It all started when we faced-off against Prince George Firebirds for the third time this season. Our record against PGF was overwhelmingly strong on our side. We had won almost all our games against them, we had almost double the amounts of goals, many more shots.. You name it and the stats was almost always on our positive end.

The game started off with PGF managing to score two goals on 4 minutes. Not only that, but the goals where 16 seconds apart. We felt gutted. But our coach took his time to motivate us and to get us going again. Eichelele scored to make it 2-1 by the end of the period. A much needed goal.
Goddard then made it 2-2 in the middle of the second.

Third period was nerve wrecking. We had most of the period on our side, but the pucks just wouldn't get through to the goal, and the ones that did didn't go in. Late in the third PGF scored with 4 minutes to go and we lost the game.

The locker room was dead quiet after the game, it was almost as if reality came in to the room and slapped us all in the face while screaming "YOU ARE FUCKING TOAST!". Not even the coach knew what to say. All we could manage was the old "Come on guys, we knew this would happen, we'll get them next time".

But we lost the next game, and the next one after that. I managed to record another point, but it was a meaningless comfort when the team was doing bad. That was the thing though, we weren't doing that bad. We just didn't win the games. If there's something that is hard is looking through the games thinking "why aren't we winning?". We didn't have a solution to our problems, we just had to keep on grinding. And it payed off.

Next two games we won by one goal instead of losing them by one. And it felt so good! We were back to our old selves, Tord Yvel was being that goofy Swede that he used to be. Stamkos was being irritated at the rookies for being too dorky while secretly loving every minute of it, Rudnikova was talking a lot and making jokes with no one really understanding the thick Russian accent.

We were facing off against Prince George Firebirds again, we were determined to show them that the game was just a one time thing. They were not going to win another game. Especially at home ice. Things didn't really work out as expected. We played bad, and when I say bad, I mean really fucking bad. I don't even think we managed to have a shot on goal in the second period. Our Power Play wasn't working, we were giving way too many penalties and we played 4vs5 for 16 minutes total. It was a disaster.

We ended up losing the game 3 goals against 1 as Matthew Leetch managed to get one by Waters. Then we were right back to where we were after the last game we lost against PGF. Only now it was about to get way worse.

We've lost four games after that, only making 4 goals while being scored on 19 times in the last five games. Something needs to happen, and it needs to happen now. Rudnikova isn't even the main concern in us losing the games since our defense are letting way too many shots through.

As for my personal development I'm getting more and more confused as the days go by. I repeatedly do well in trainings and my development in my skills are good or even better than many of the rookies in our team. Still I can't seem to pull my weight on the ice.

It's tough you know? I'm so used to things working out for themselves and not having to worry about roster spots, contracts, drafts. Playing in Sweden we're so used to having the opportunity of showing what we can do, even though we fuck up time and time again. The sport so much more inclusive in the lower age range back home, we're not used to this type of pressure.
Since hockey is so much bigger in North America there is so much more interest from the public. And where fans are, the media coverage gets bigger. The pressure is a whole other thing, and I really need to learn to cope with it as time progresses or else I'm not going to be long lived in a league like this.

Colton Hagan and Rudnikova has been great support talking to me, and even if we're all friends in the team it feels good to have those two extra close ones to have these discussions with. Often we will buy some food after practice and chill at home watching an episode of Suits or Peaky Blinders just talking about regular stuff. A lot of hockey of course, but also how we have it back home. Colton Hagan is very interested in how stuff works in Russia or in Sweden and it's fun to see just how far the misconceptions of a country can travel.
Did you know that Sweden apparently have Polar Bears roaming the streets? No? Neither did I.

It feels weird that we're probably getting drafted to different teams next year and might not even be team mates. Makes me even a little bit sad. But you know, that's how this game works. At least I know that I will have lasting friends in the league. And you can't get too many of those.

A strong bond between the people in the group is really important, especially now that we are in this slump. And we are going to need every bit of energy to be able to get us out of this giant hole we are in. We're still early on in the season, so the faster we get out of it, the bigger chance we have to come to the play-offs in a strong position.

Let's get at it!