<div align="center">
St. Mary's Cathedral somewhere in Manitoba
</div>
Oh my god he's here again.

Listen girls stay strong DO NOT serve him. Let me talk to him first.

What'r you going to....


Jason The Visshound Visser: The hell is this? Thanksgiving again? Jesus Christ ladies how do you get away with it? It's like every fucking week with you, I know these people have nowhere else to go, but get creative for once. Give me some god damn spaghetti or something my fucking god. Oh don't look at me with those dead eyes you church bitch.


Dead Eye Church Bitch #4: This food is not for you. We are not going to server you this time.


Jason The Visshound Visser: Oh come on, I was just kidding baby. You know I like to play games and all. So wha...


Raven from That's So Raven You're not going to get anything from us tonight hun, I'm sorry but you can't come cursing up a storm in here, talking about fucking baby Jesus being rude to all us volunteers like this every week.


The Visshound: What! I said nothing about fucking baby Jesus, that was like so last month and you know baby Jesus is down with kids anyways. I mean look around you this place is built off the work of kids getting diddled you dumbshits, now give me some goddam string beans and chicken or whatever the fuck that meat is...

<div align="center">Jason reaches for some food, and gets his hand cracked by a wooden spoon.</div>


Raven from That's So Raven Get out of here, right now you dirty, dirty man.


The Visshound: I didn't even bring any of this up that's on you guys, okay. I'm ashamed. Really if I'm being honest. For each and every one of you. I feel full on shame for you, right down deep inside my ass. The kind of shame you get from picking up a newborn puppy and dropping it like a cat from mid air shame cause it's a similar weight and you were anticipating it to catch itself, but now it's crying and you don't know if it broke it's legs thanks to YOUR sorry ass Raven. Not feeding a man in need???? On a cold night like this? What kind of a Christian are you? Give me a plate.


Raven from That's So Raven Ain't happening hunny.


The Visshound: Oh yah well fuck you too, I'm going in the back. Taking this shit right from the tap you sluts.

<div align="center">
Jason snatches a biscuit -dunks it in the cranberries and stuffs it down while jogging towards the kitchen</div>


The Visshound: Ayyyyyy What up D'Quan, you tryna go out back and smoke this bowl dude? These assholes in there don't want to give me anything, can I grub down in here before the next round goes out?


Mike: Man. What the fuck are you doing back here, and how many times I gotta tell you my name is Mike dude. It's Mike. What the fuck is wrong with you!


The Visshound: Oh shit well I'm sorry Mike. Do you want to get high with me? I mean shit dude I give you a few rips and you let me eat a few of those biscuits right out the oven, what do you say D'Quan.


Mike: Motherfucker you call me that one more time don't think I won't come at you. See this bitch?

<div align="center">Mike brandishes a dirty kitchen knife</div>

Mike:This outta a Bobby Flay kit, you better watch your ass in here son... Now give me that bowl, I haven't been high in like 3 hours.


The Visshound: Alright hit this shit, I'm just gonna eat a little of this dough real quick

<div align="center">........</div>


Mike: Hell yeah son.. They really wouldn't feed you? ... God damn stuck up bitches. The fuck kind of Christians they think they are?


The Visshound: I don't know man, fuck em. Who cares, listen dude these biscuits are really shitty Mike you gott..


Mike: Well let the motherfucker cook


The Visshound: Shit man either way you gottta like. Gotta do something different dude enough of these plain ass biscuits you got no flavor Mike, get me some of those red lobster things next time come on D'Quan. Cheddar bay babies are the best dough to munch on, hands down.


Mike: Callin me D'Quan. Get the fuck out of my kitchen! GO BOY!


The Visshound: Baby. Fucking Christ Mike take a joke, and your welcome for the rips you ungrateful piece of shit. You are just as mean and angry as usual when you're getting high Mike, I didn't expect this out of you. I'm not mad, just disappointed in you.


Mike: Pussy!

<div align="center">Jason heads towards the bunk area after unsuccessfully trying to grab something else to eat on the way.</div>


The Visshound: Fuck you ladies, each and every one of you eat dog shit and die in a housefire. Anyone else in here you are denying service? Huh? You deserve some evil shit to happen to you. All of you, satan is going send insanely hairy invisible demon dicks to shove down all your throats whenever you fall asleep with your mouths open. Good job you did it to yourself.. Why am I the only one in this whole place not getting a god damn plate?


Dead Eye Church Bitch #4: Is anyone else in here making millions of dollars this year? No I don't think so, yeah I looked you up and whatever it is you think you are doing here is just... It's disgusting.


The Visshound: So are your puffy nips lady, now piss off.

<div align="center">Jason enters the back room</div>

<div align="center"></div>


The Visshound: The fuck is that tall burrito? You a figure skater? What's that bag for? Huh? Think you're all cool coming in here with a hockey bag, showing off oh hey look at me I'm a hockey player I have a tiny wiener just like the rest of the best players in the game oooooh I'm special. That's what you think huh you silly looking dumb little punk. Get out of my sight, I don't want to be angry


Tall Burrito: Nah man, this is full of all the things I have left after my house burned down, I heard you shouting just now. You wished those people died in a fire? That's fucked up man, I have nobody left... Nothing at all.


Tall Burrito's friend: That is fucked maa...


The Visshound: Shoosh, nobody asked you shit. So what burro it's not like I was the one that burned your shit to the ground, how am I supposed to know about everyones problems and avoid talking about sensitive issues, like I'm supposed to dance around your feelings, fuck that. I asked you a simple question what you're doing in here with that bag, showing up for everyone acting like you play hockey or something. And you give me some soppy house burned down wa wa cry baby response. Nuh uh that ain't happening here tonight bitch. You had a chance to get out my sight but now I'm just mad. Fight me pussy.


Tall Burrito's friend: Is this guy forreal? The hell is going on?


Tall Burrito: Alright son, lets toss.

<div align="center">Tall Burrito and his friend looked at each other briefly and sprung into action before Jason knew what was going on. The fat burrito held The Visshound's arms behind his back while three, four, five punches to the face rained down from the Skinny Burrito. </div>


Tall Burrito's friend: Ayy you like that bitch, this what you wanted?

<div align="center">Jason struggled mightily to get out of the Burro's hold, he kicked and twirled his legs up in the air, but couldn't manage to break free. Goddam 77 fucking strength the Visshound thought to himself as he was getting his ass beaten. Eventually they had The VIsshound on the ground sending blows from all angles as the two kicked, punched and spat on Jason.</div>


The Visshound: That's all you little bitches got, lucky there's two of you fucke...

<div align="center">Bam! The skinny burrito stomped Jason's mouth as he fell silent for the first time since walking into the church.</div>


Tall Burrito: Shit dude... I think we just killed that guy...


Tall Burrito's friend: That was awesome!!! Oh holy shit!!! Man! Did you see me? I was all wha chaka haka smackin down on that fool. Damn, look at my hand LOOK AT IT!!! WHOOOOO


Tall Burrito: FUck yeah son you see me? That shit was tight, dude my god I had him all tied up n shit he couldn't do anything!!!


Tall Burrito's friend: Yeahhh motherfucker I was going in on that boy with the hammer fists at the end, you see me hammer fisting, doggg???
<div align="center">
The building begins to shake violently, lights flickering, paintings falling off walls, everyone is in a state of pure panic. A haze sets in over the room as the walls begin to melt away, all the homeless people eating, the volunteers, and D'Quan out the kitchen are around to see Jason lying on the ground before the two men who put him there.

But why? What is going on everyone mutters their own little bullshit as a glaring beam of light appears from above.

It's a dove

floating down from infinity
</div>


<div align="center">The room begins to transform even more as this fuckin bird takes forever to float down. Jason laying unconscious is now hoovering in the air, rising slowly as the floor melts away into a giant marshmallow.

it wasn't just any bird.

It was jesus as himself pretending to be the bird.
</div>
<div align="center">
The Visshound's body floats above all the homeless people and volunteers including Mike and the Burrito brothers.</div>

Jason's Jesus: Listen guys, I'm sorry I know this is like the first time you're seeing me and all but you guys really fucked up. Look at him. Look Goddamit why couldn't you just give him some more fucking biscuits you greedy piece of shit Raven, Dead Eye, what's wrong with you two?


Raven from That's So Raven He tried to feel my breasts one time!


Jason's Jesus: So? Be thankful anyone wants to you god damn ungrateful bitch. Hell both of you, now. Fourth circle alright. You selfish cunts Plato is going to tear your ass apart.

<div align="center">Raven and the dead eye church bitch sink through the floor.</div>


Jason's Jesus: Who's next? Burrito boys? You fucking killed a guy in a church?


Tall Burrito:No no no no I didn't kill anyone. I held him at the start I didn't kill him I swear. It was him!


Tall Burrito's friend: You fuckin pussy snitch.


Jason's Jesus: Goddamit you were doing so well you made me like 4 of those little maccarioni and glue pictures when you were a kid man and you you were always singing for me in church I heard you piping it out for me fat Burrito you had bank for life the two of you!!!! But no more. Hell right fucking now you murderers, GO! Seventh fuckin circle you wrathful beasts. Good luck.
<div align="center">
The two men who beat Jason to death sink through the floor.

All of the homeless people and volunteers that stood by while [i]The VIsshound was refused a meal are getting visibly anxious, they see what's going on. They're about to get judged, and everyone knows, they aren't going back with Jason's Jesus.[/i]</div>


Jason's Jesus: Jason wake up

<div align="center">The Visshound wakes up, and has a full erection that's like way bigger than his old dick.</div>


The Visshound: Thanks Jesus that's sweet man.


Jason's Jesus: For sure, for sure. Listen bud. Today wasn't your day. You suck at hockey right now, and that's not a good enough reason to come in here and start fights you can't win, dumbass.


The Visshound: What? I had that that one guy you gotta believe...


Jason's Jesus: Shut the fuck up, kid you were about to get a Jesus pep talk, but now you get to spend eternity in a pit cause the first time you ever have my full on real life in person eye to eye attention you talk over me? No way man. You know what! Enough of you, and this bullshit! Don't even start... You were just trying to fight that guy so you could steal his wallet in the first place.


The Visshound: Whaaat! No? I like thought it, but i wasn't really going to do anything that dude is poor as fuck anyways that's barely even bad.


Jason's Jesus: Stealing from the poor, and lying to Jesus? What's worse? I gotta go speed this shit up. So what do we say, eight circle of Hell? Yeah seeya never in all eternity Jason. Have fun.

Jason begins to sink through the floor.


The Visshound: What the fuck man? Oh god. Oh god. NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO!!!!!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK!


JESUS YOU BRING ME BACK TO LIFE JUST TO SEND ME TO HELL WITH A GIANT DICK I'LL NEVER EVEN GET TO TOUCH NOOOO MY LOWER HALF IS ALREADY GONE I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL IT ALL THE WAY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY
...





....




...




...





...





....




...




...


Mike: Pussy! Wake up. Wake up.

Goddamit Jason you little PUSSY!!!!

One hit and your on your back? What is this shit you got here? No way am I hittin this shit. Man fuck. whooo hooo hooo boy you are goddam out of it.

Wake up you Pussy!

Oh my god damn son, what in the world has gotten into you, here eat a little more dough.

Wake up you little bitch!

<div align="center">D'Quan stuffs some dough into Jason's mouth as he lays spread eagle on the kitchen floor.</div>


The Visshound: Who am I? Who am I? What am I? Ohhhh god it feels like every nerve in my body is on firrrre!!!!


Mike: Ayy calm down son. You were rippin that bowl right in front of me for about 40 seconds showing off or some shit and fell on your fat ass.


The Visshound: Whaaat? How long have I been out.


Mike: Like three seconds you dumb motherfucker.


The Visshound: Ah no shit man. Hey I got some more if you wanna smoke this?

09 || Jason Visser || C || Winnipeg || St. Louis || 3420 TPE
THE VISSHOUND
Age: 36
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 178
Number: 09
Birthplace: Gilbert, Arizona


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Season Stats
S30 || STL || GP: 50 || G:  8 || A:  6 || PTS: 14 || +/-  -2 || PIMS: 15
S31 || STL || GP: 50 || G: 15 || A: 13 || PTS: 28 || +/- +2  || PIMS: 35
S32 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 04  || A: 04  || PTS: 08 || +/- -4  || PIMS: 22
S33 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 11  || A: 13  || PTS: 24 || +/- +5  || PIMS: 17
S34 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 12  || A: 19  || PTS: 31 || +/- +7  || PIMS: 12
S35 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 17  || A: 34  || PTS: 51 || +/- -4  || PIMS: 12
S36 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 27 || A: 43  || PTS: 70 || +/- +24  || PIMS: 18
S37 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 24 || A: 36  || PTS: 60 || +/- +28  || PIMS: 25
S38 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 20 || A: 34  || PTS: 54 || +/- +30  || PIMS: 4
S39 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 23 || A: 22  || PTS: 45 || +/- +20  || PIMS: 4
S40 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 24 || A: 35  || PTS: 59 || +/- +25  || PIMS: 11
S41 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 34 || A: 44  || PTS: 78 || +/- +36  || PIMS: 38
S42 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 13 || A:  26 || PTS: 39 || +/- -2  || PIMS: 20
S43 || WIN || GP: 50 || G: 29 || A: 45  || PTS: 74 || +/- +32  || PIMS: 31[pbl]SMJHL TOT || STL || GP: 100 || G:  2[/font][/color]3 || A:  19 || PTS: 42 || +/-  0 || PIMS: 50 
[/size][/size][/size][/size][/font][/size][/color]SHL TOT || WIN || GP: 600 || G: 238 || A: 355 || PTS: 593 | +/-  +197 || PIMS: 214

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Playoff Stats
S30 || STL || GP: 7 || G: 0 || A: 3 || PTS: 3 || +/-  -2 || PIMS: 4
S31 || STL || GP: 4 || G: 0 || A: 0 || PTS: 0 || +/-  -1 || PIMS: 2
S34 || WIN || GP: 5 || G: 0 || A: 2 || PTS: 2 || +/-  0 || PIMS: 4
S36 || WIN || GP: 6 || G: 3 || A: 1 || PTS: 4 || +/-  -2 || PIMS: 6
S37 || WIN || GP: 18 || G: 6 || A: 17 || PTS: 23 || +/-  0 || PIMS: 13
S38 || WIN || GP: 13 || G: 8 || A: 3 || PTS: 11 || +/-  -2 || PIMS: 0
S39 || WIN || GP: 13 || G: 3 || A: 4 || PTS: 7 || +/-  -3 || PIMS: 0
S40 || WIN || GP: 14 || G: 5 || A: 7 || PTS: 12 || +/-  -4 || PIMS: 4
S41 || WIN || GP: 13 || G: 5 || A: 5 || PTS: 10 || +/-  -2 || PIMS: 2
S43 || WIN || GP: 17 || G: 4 || A: 12 || PTS: 16 || +/-  +3 || PIMS: 9
SMJHL TOT || STL || GP: 11 || G: 0 || A: 3 || PTS: 3 || +/-  -3 || PIMS: 6
SHL TOT || WIN || GP: 99 || G: 34 || A: 51 || PTS: 85 || +/-  -10 || PIMS: 38

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Transactions
S30 SMJHL Draft - 21st Pick STL
S30 STL - 1 Season $3M
S31 SHL Draft - 8th Pick WIN
S31 WIN -  3 Seasons $9M
S34 WIN - 3 Seasons $9.5M
S37 WIN - 2 Seasons $10M
S38 WIN - Opted out
S38 WIN - 3 Seasons $9M
S41 WIN -  2 Seasons $6M
S43 WIN -  1 Season $5M
S44 WIN -  1 Season $5M
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Other
S31 STL - Received (A) for 2nd half of S31
S31 USA - IIHF Gold
S31 STL - Michael Haan Award for Most Dedicated
S31 STL - Luke Riggs Award for Most Activity in the LR
S34 USA - IIHF Gold
S36 WIN - Lowest TPE player to hit 70pts - Realism Era.. idrk - 1420
S36 WIN - 2nd Team All-Star
S37 WIN - Won Challenge Cup
S37 WIN - Most Face-Offs Taken In league History
S37 WIN - 2nd Most Face-Offs Won In league History
S37 WIN - Sarmad Khan Trophy (MVP as voted by the fans)
S37 WIN - 2nd Team All-Star
S38 WIN - Received (A) in sim
S38 WIN - 3rd Team All-Star
S39 WIN - Became highest TPE player in the league - 1876
S40 USA - IIHF Gold
S40 WIN - Most TPE all time - 2285
S41 WIN - Sergei Karpotsov Award (Most Points)
S41 WIN - Jay McDonald Award (Most Goals)
S41 WIN - Ron Mexico Award (League MVP)
S41 WIN - Sarmad Khan Trophy (MVP as voted by the fans)
S41 WIN - 1st Team All-Star
S43 WIN - Sergei Karpotsov Award (Most Points)
S43 WIN - Jay McDonald Award (Most Goals)
S43 WIN - Ron Mexico Award (League MVP)
S43 WIN - Sarmad Khan Trophy (MVP as voted by the fans)
S43 WIN - 1st Team All-Star
S44 WIN - No longer highest TPE player in the league
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
] ||
Sojan Sviser
Age: 38
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 268
Number: 44
Birthplace: St. Louis, Missouri
[font=Arial]-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Regular Season History
S35 COL || W: 8 || L: 15 || OTL: 3 || WIN PCT: .365 || 6th Place
S36 COL || W: 27 || L: 20 || OTL: 3 || WIN PCT: .570 || 4th Place
S37 COL || W: 29 || L: 18 || OTL: 3 || WIN PCT: .610 || 3rd Place
S38 COL || W: 22 || L: 24 || OTL: 4 || WIN PCT: .480 || 7th Place
S39 COL || W: 31 || L: 16 || OTL: 3 || WIN PCT: .650 || 2nd Place


TOT || COL || W: 117 || L: 93 || OTL: 16 || WIN PCT: .553 ||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Post Season History
S35 COL || W: 8 || L: 5 || OTL: 4 || Result: Swept By VAN In Finals
S36 COL || W: 0 || L: 3 || OTL: 1  || Result: Swept By PGF In Round 1
S37 COL || W: 3 || L: 2 || OTL: 2 || Result: Lost To MTL In Round 1
S39 COL || W: 1 || L: 3 || OTL: 2 || Result: Lost To VAN In Round 2
TOT || COL || W: 12 || L: 13 || OTL: 9 || Result: Bad
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Transactions:
S35 COL Hired As Co-GM
S39 COL Relived As Co-GM
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Awards:
S35 COL - Oriens Trophy Winner

Wow. =D>

I love you, Visser. I'm very sad we never have played on the same team.

Eryk Siniskaya || Defense || Unsigned ||


Timo Haas || Goalie || Los Angeles Panthers || Retired/Hall of Fame

Fucking epic. :lol:

This is a tale that should be told around campfires for generations to come, brilliant. =D>