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NJBadApple · 10-12-2019, 01:07 AM

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In a shocking turn of events, chaos has descended upon the hockey-driven town of Kelowna in the western half of Canada in several different variations. Fans and followers of the like are devastated by the overwhelming news of collapsing infrastructure surrounding the team's inside management and the locker room environment having fallen completely apart. The already dilapidated buildings and community are heart-struck by the travesty that has befallen the subtle town, which sits just a few short hours outside the bustling ocean-side city of Vancouver. Kelowna, once known for it's hockey prowess and overly-dedicated fans, now sits amongst ruins of other once-thriving hockey communities such as Wood Buffalo.

RYAN SHEPARD ASKS FOR A TRADE

Star center and previous first overall selection in the SMJHL Draft, has now asked for a trade. With his rookie campaign in the rear view window, he peers deep into the future and wonders what exactly is in store for him. "I don't know man, I just feel like something has to change" he briefly noted to the media outside of Prospera Place, which is now nothing more than a pile of rubbish. "Sometimes you just need a change of scenery or a change of pace, I really can't pinpoint the feeling. One moment you seem to be into it, and the next you just feel disinterested." The remarks come as a tremendous blow to his fellow teammates... alternate captain Prince Devitt remarked "it's hard to watch such a young talent like that seem to change direction so suddenly, but that's just part of the game I guess." Upon talking to other members of the team discreetly, this seems like a trend that has followed players in the past. However, fantasy teams can often take a turn for the worse and their owners are often left without choice but to make trades.

ALUMNI HAVE TAKEN THE CITY HOSTAGE

As if the team captain asking for a trade wasn't bad enough, former players for the Kelowna Knights have descended upon the city and have taken a strangehold on the entirety of it's population. "We're not relinquishing control until we have received the respect we have earned in this damn place" marked sternly by former goaltender Jason Aittokallio. "We've spent a very hard-earned two, three, and sometimes four seasons in this place without the appropriate amount of applause and standing ovations and god dammit we're going to get it one way or another." In an almost coordinated event, the walking cadavers of Knights-past slowly trundled down mainstreet in downtown Kelowna to proclaim their deservance for 'more respect', as if they get paid for their charade. "I mean the Ring of Honor is cool and all," stated Eric Chisling from his wobbly wheelchair "but I mean the Hall of Fame? That's something that deserves the name Chisling." Klaus could be heard yelling "damn right!" from the local bar. I'm hearing from multiple reports that after the protest, the alumni will meet at the town hall for bingo night at 5pm prior to their 8pm bedtime.

CO-GM FIRED; HEAD GM BLACKMAILED BY FRENCH MOB

After winning the Top GM's award this off-season, NJ has shocked the SMJHL community by firing his co-GM in Noble. What sort of turmoil could've possibly caused this rapid of a swing in the pendulum? Luckily, we were able to catch up with the former co-GM for his incredible and uncandid statements towards league and Kelowna leadership. "It was mutual you know, my real life is getting sort of busy and we kind of decided to cut the cord while it made sense. I still love the Knights." Simply aghast & fuming from the moves of his Head GM, Noble unloads on Kelowna management. "I had a great time helping lead the team; everyone there is really friendly and I'm just thankful for the opportunity I was given." In other but similar news, it seems as if the French Mob may have had a hand in the firing of Noble. Notorious hitmen Luca Del Vecchio and Luciano Vessot have well-known dealings in the greater Kelowna area, and many in the community seem to believe that both had deep ties to the organization and their ability to dictate management decisions. Stay tuned.

DEFENSE DENIES REST OF TEAM ENTRY INTO PRACTICE FACILITY

Rapidly descending into irreversible chaos, the Kelowna Knights defense has turned their obsession of quality defensive play into a rather unhealthy side job, as the rest of their team has been unable to access their practice facility for two days now. "It's just silly, can we please try to improve our game?" begged Barbashev, the second year winger waiting patiently at the front door. "No," said LeBlanc. "I'm going to play and lead my defensive corps as we are directed to do so. Who are you to tell me how to do my job? I lead the team in scoring anyway." Coaches have tried to separate the two groups, but peace talks to this point have been unsuccessful to say the least. "I was only trying to do the best job possible" said Katth, the team's head coach. "If I knew the two sides of the team would driven apart, I would've just let other teams score and beat us every so often. Damn." Del Vecchio, the team's starting goaltender, has since been on strike stating "if the defense needs me, whatever.. but they probably don't." Forwards Gutierrez, Kaspertommevisnapuu, and Puhcheese have taken to beating up teenagers at the local pond to get ice time, telling them to "go back to ball hockey."

THIS STORY IS BREAKING; STAY TUNED FOR MORE UPDATES AS WE ASSESS THE SITUATION IN KELOWNA