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WJC yet again quashes hopes of powerful DPRK team (first article)
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Duff101Registered The Gaptain
(From Rodong Sinmun)
The greatest ice hockey team in the world, the team from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, will once again be forced to wait for longer to compete officially on the international level thanks to scheming by Western Imperialist forces. “We are very much saddened by this interference by the cowardly westerners, who are afraid to take on our glorious country officially on the ice,” said Head Coach Song Chung-song. The North Korean team has repeatedly embarrassed the western world and “traditional ice hockey powers” on the ice, recently annihilating the American team 34-0 in a match that was unfortunately unable to be aired to the North Korean people thanks to interference from the colony state to the south and their Western occupiers. “This act of aggression by the West will be met with appropriate retaliation,” said Chief of the General Staff Vice Marshal Ri Yong-Gil. “We are saddened and angered by the West’s continued cowardice towards our hockey might, but we understand their fear of being embarrassed by our superior play,” said Minister of Foreign Affairs Comrade Ri- Yong-ho. The west’s cowardice was proved when a recording was leaked by an elite team of Korean People’s Army hackers, who found a secret recording. “We cannot let the North Koreans in because they are so great and awesome and cool and their hockey team will embarrass us all, we must continue to suppress the true might and power of Juche and the North Korean people,” said the WJC head, cackling and rubbing his hands together evilly. The team is one of the greatest lineups in history. Numerous defectors to North Korea have bolstered an already unstoppable roster. “We were brought in by the great ideal of Juche, which radiates over the land like the sun,” said one unnamed player who scored 400 goals in each of his last two seasons in the inferior Canadian/American league the SMJHL. “It will be nice to play with real players,” he quipped. Rumors of players being “kidnapped,” “tricked” or “outright fabricated” are lies created by the western media. Similarly, reports of embellished statistics are demonstrably false. When asked what allowed the North Koreans to so greatly surpass their international counterparts, DPRK Hockey Federation president Pak Song Nam said “our medicine and science so surpass the rest of the world that we are able to unlock the true physical potential of all our players.” In the past traitors to the people and revolution have attempted to steal North Korean secrets, but their efforts have ended in failure. The Dear and Beloved Leader Comrade Kim Jong-il praised the wondrous efforts of the team, saying “we are grateful to the work of our Ice Hockey team in furthering the ideals of Juche and proving the athletic superiority our great nation has over the imperialists and oppressors of this world.” The Great Leader is a fan of the team, recently attending a practice to the great delight of the team. After a photoshoot, Coach Chung-song commented “having the support of the Dear Leader is a big boost to team morale, and knowing that he is behind our team encourages our players to play even harder to honor and glorify him. Anything we can do to prove the superiority of our nation over others is proof of the truth that the west is reeling in the face of our might.” (711 words ready for grading, first article) |
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