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cowbutch · 03-26-2025, 02:57 PM

When It comes to deep dives, I wasn’t really sure what I could provide. I don’t really understand advanced hockey statistics and don’t have enough interest to analyze player numbers. I do love world-building though. And you know what a world like Earth has? The climate. So I have compiled a spreadsheet of temperature and humidity averages and altitudes. This means I also “casted” (aka headcanoned) the cities some teams are playing in. As we go through this, I’ll explain my ranking and some basic information about each place that I found on wiki. I’m not a well-travelled person, if you can’t tell. I also included altitude (and almost included humidity). I want to remind y’all: I am not a scientist in any shape or form. The exact opposite, actually. I’m getting a bachelor’s in drawing. I just enjoy exploring the things no one thinks about. This is just to appreciate the detail you can add that brings so much depth to this world we’re building. Plus, understanding the climates our players are playing in can add depth to teams, insults, lore, and preferences. There is minimal (if any) scientific value in this and my equations are probably off. These averages were created using this website and by adding the highs and lows together, then dividing. Nonetheless, I am here to inform everyone with zero bad intentions. Please use the Spreadsheet as you will. I’m very new to making them so be kind.

Outside of my personal experience, preference, and critical thinking skills, I used the following facts to add more “science” to my list:

"According to the American College of Sports Medicine, the ideal temperature to work out in is 68 to 72 degrees Fahrenheit or 20-22 Celsius” (source)
“With an increase in altitude, there is a decrease in atmospheric pressure, the partial pressure of oxygen, air temperature and air density. These features influence an athlete's performance in different ways. For example, the decrease in air density at altitude offers less resistance to high-speed movements; it has been shown that sprint performances are either not affected by altitude or improve at altitude.” (source)

Carolina Kraken: Charlotte, North Carolina is the closest city in the SMJHL to my real life hometown. Putting it at number two… I’m biased for Appalachian Valley weather to say the least. Charlotte sits in the median range of altitude, making it an ideal team to play for if altitude has a massive impact on your play. Though, you're trading an average altitude for stable weather. Hurricanes may be the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Carolina weather. But don’t forget about those droughts and wildfires! Listen to the burn bans and buy a weather radio, and you’ll be perfectly fine.
Nevada Battleborn: The Battleborn. Named after the Civil War. I imagine it’s dry in Las Vegas. It’s sunny year round and has some pretty stable temperatures. That sun can be brutal in the summertime. Arguably better than the humid heat of Carolina, depending on what you’re used to. Just don’t get stuck outside at night. It might be a little too chilly for the average human.
Colorado Raptors: I put the Raptors at three because if you are a player for the team, your home advantage is the best in the league. Sitting at the highest altitude, you get that crisp air with a pretty stable and tolerable side of temperatures. Though you have the same downside of Nevada when it comes to away games.
Vancouver Whalers: When I was a freshman in high school, my AP World History teacher told me that if she were to move out of the states, she’d move to British Colombia because it’s most similar to our region. Which I think is objectively false, considering the year round average is 38 degrees F (3 degrees C). Of course, this is an average of highs and lows. So it’s skewed to say the least. At the lowest altitude, Maine, Colorado, and Great Falls may be the toughest of Whalers' away games. I imagine it’s humid, cool, and pleasant. But I’m an American. So take my considerations with a grain of salt.
Detroit Falcons: Motor City. The French discovery left for bankruptcy at the hands of businessmen. I don’t know much about Detroit outside of what I’ve seen on HGTV’s show Bargain Block. There’s culture there. You’ve just got to dig for it. I’m here discussing weather and climate though. Detroit seems to be another St. Louis in my opinion. A great place to play pond hockey, maybe. I’ve never played hockey on ice. Anyways, it snows. it rains. It's another American city growing victim to the budgeting methods of businessmen. Nothing spectacular to note in my research. I do recommend Bargain Block though. If you’re looking for some casual shows.
Yukon Malamutes: GO MUTES GO! Anyways. It’s cold in the Yukon. And I’ve placed the Malamutes in the capital: Whitehorse. According to Wiki and the Guinness Book of World Records, it’s the city with the least air pollution in the world. Which is a win! Makes up for the year-round clouds and frigid winters. The Northern Lights are also visible in Whitehorse. As the team that drafted me, I hate to put it so low. As a person who can’t stand bitter cold, I’ll stick with my choices. Casanova is the one throwing the body and freezing up there. Good luck to him.
Maine Timber: I’ve put the Timber in Augusta, Maine. An hour from Portland. I don’t know much about ME outside of the fact that weed is legal and one of my Partner’s is from there. They have sailors and lighthouses and some magnificent views. Another US team close to the Canadian border. So it’s cold and snowy during winter and has a nice summer. Another place that’s cloudy most of the year too.
St. Louis Scarecrows: St. Louis offers the most stable climate in my opinion. It gets cold enough for outdoor ice and has a fairly tame summer. The altitude is among the median in the league and that advantage can be the difference when there is such a differential in altitude in a league. St. Louis also has that arc. That Percy Jackson could not have leapt into the Mississippi river to escape a Chimera. That jump is literally impossible. Demigod or not. Also fuck the scarecrows. Fuck St. Louis too. GO MUTES GO
Quebec City: A damp place. Wet summers and snowy winters. Did I mention I’m not a fan of snow yet? I don’t have much to say without repeating myself. It experiences four distinct seasons and can be muggy in the summertime. The architecture is beautiful, and it was never annexed by us Yankees. The hockey culture must make up for the dreadful winter weather. Maybe it’s the French too?
Kelowna Knights: Another cold Canadian city. Can’t complain when they kick the US’s ass in hockey at Four Nations. According to my source (Weather Spark) it’s fairly cloudy year-round. The winters are freezing and snowy but the summers tend to be warm and dry. I’m not a massive fan of the cold. But it seems like any other Canadian city. Especially with an area called Summerland to the south.
San Diego Tidal: I will admit my bias straight up: West coast hockey gives me the ick. So I’m not really here for hockey in the “Birthplace of California”. Especially when you’re only 62 feet above sea level. The flood insurance must be insane considering the price of living in Cali. Mexican culture is a plus. Don’t get me wrong. Plus, the temperature is stable, if a little muggy at times, so all a guy really needs to worry about is the ground shifting beneath his feet! That sounds absolutely terrifying! Count me out on the earthquakes! I’ll take a hurricane or tornado the way the Abrahamic God intended.
Great Falls Grizzlies: East of the Rocky Mountains, Montana offers some players a short, clear summer and wet, cloudy winter. Minimal humidity year round, the city is named after a series of waterfalls north and east of the city. There’s plenty of museums to pay for your team to go to too! Chinook winds cause some warm spells in the long winters and there’s a freeze every month of the year, outside of July. So you can get away with leaving the winter wardrobe out.
Thunder Bay Walleye: Canada’s Gateway to the West is another partly-cloudy Canadian city on Lake Superior. Thunder Bay offers an interesting flag and one of the milder climates amongst the SMJHL. With an economy focused on forestry, medical research, and manufacturing, it has a comfortable summer and limited winter snowfall. Ideal for a hockey player? Probably. I’m a cowboy but I could get some ice time here. If I knew how to skate. And had a passport.
Newfoundland Berserkers: I’ve put the Berserker’s in St. John’s. It offers a more humid climate with small variation between seasons due to its placement on the Gulf Stream. It’s prone to tropical storms and is the foggiest and windiest of major Canadian cities. Summers are short and comfortable. Winters may call for States of Emergency due to snowstorms and silver thaws. It’s not a very friendly place climate-wise. Which is what you’d expect out of a team called Berserkers.
Ottawa Highlanders: The capital city of Canada offers a long, muggy, summer and a snow and ice-filled winter. Snowpack can increase 5cm daily. It also has the largest proportion of higher-educated residents among other Canadian cities, hosting universities, museums, monuments, and historic sites for you and all your team’s needs when hiding from the cold, wet winters.
Anchorage Armada: Last but not least, welcome to the City of Lights and Flowers. The most populous city in Alaska with nearly 40% of its residents. This subarctic climate offers cool, cloudy summers and long, freezing winters. If you’re a big game hunter, look no further as this city’s motto is “Big Wild Life” What’s that supposed to mean? You’re guess is as good as mine! I’m not a hunter but I appreciate a nice wildlife refuge. Not only do you have to deal with bears, you also are in one of the most seismically active areas on the planet! You also get the Northern Lights and up to 20 hours of sunlight in the peak of summer.