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***Inf1d3l*** · 01-28-2019, 04:57 PM

Failed Rebrandings – Barret McCarthy

With the recent addition of 2 SMJHL teams, the current Seattle rebrand, and the addition of 2 new expansion SHL teams, I’ve decided to do some in depth investigation into teams that never came to be. Whether it was an expansion team idea or a rebrand is irrelevant, what is important is that who ever thought of some of these ideas are terrible. Remember kids, not every idea is a good one, and into our list we go.

The Portland Hipsters:

Unfortunately for this franchise idea, it failed before it started. The jerseys were a miserable plaid color and every food stand in the arena would have been either a small coffee shop or craft brewery. Unfortunately, many of their fans felt that they ‘sold out’ and were ‘better before they got big’ and therefore the franchise died before it ever began. What could have been here? Who knows, maybe the Starbucks of SHL teams, primarily overpriced and underwhelming.

The Oklahoma City Bombers:

Any other city the team name might have been a fun idea, but citizens of the city thought that this may be a little ‘too soon’ for their taste. Sad that the city lost out on a franchise over a terrible misstep like this, and this was a rebrand idea, I won’t mention any names on who might have thought of this one, but let’s just say that many heads were shaken, and inappropriate laughter was a bit more prevalent than it should have been. Tragedy plus time equals comedy.

Dakota Douchenozzles:

Now, we’re not entirely sure this idea was fully in jest. I mean, it does sort of roll off the tongue. And the jerseys were pretty amazing to look at. Sadly, we weren’t able to smuggle the pictures out, but having their mascot be rotating members of MTV show casts was also a clever idea. Sadly, this could have been a seriously successful franchise, and though it was shot down, I will mention that one anonymous member of the HO did give this the thumbs up.

Sante Fe Sand Pumas

One doesn’t equate sand with hockey, but the name was enough to get to the beta stage before it was sadly abandoned. The city has a small population and likely would not be able to support a franchise, though the head office felt this could be a good future spot for a team after the citizens and government there went out of their way to open their arms to the prospect of enjoying the product. Unfortunately PETA had a field day when four separate pumas were seriously injured in mascot related training, which once and for all closed the door to this expansion, pending legal issues.

Halifax Hounds

It took a lot of convincing from the head office of the SHL, and management from the Raiders, to prove to the Halifax citizens and governing body that there already was a team in Halifax. Once the media and residents of the city found out, they attended a game and were sorely disappointed, sending in thousands of letters to the SHL begging for a team. Unfortunately, this was denied and Halifax went back to normalcy wishing what might have been.

Sacramento Snowflakes

Attempting to appeal to the newer, “politically correct,” generation, the Snowflakes would have welcomed everyone with open arms. Sadly, it all went downhill from there. Everyone on the team would be a Captain, there would be 44 stars of the game so everyone got one, and saying nasty things about your opponent carried a 2 minute minor penalty, 5 minute major if you used a “four letter word.” No one was sure who should be more offended, Generation Xers, Gen Y’s, or everyone. When this was received in the head office, one member fell off their chair laughing, and another shed a tear for our world, and thus, it ended.

Pittsburgh Plowers

Now, let’s be clear, the sexual innuendo behind this one is pretty obvious, but the clueless management group brought this ahead, complete with a jersey that included “A shirtless man flexing in front of another man who was in the faceoff position”. I wish I could show you a picture, I truly do, and as bad as I begged the HO to release it to me, they laughed but couldn’t, citing an NDA. Maybe a simple logo change would have fixed the issue, but one will never know.

Vegas Vegans

This somehow made it past the application process, and when hockey fans everywhere were polled, their number one concern was that the team would be too preoccupied telling everyone they were Vegan to actually play the game. The food options were far less than appealing, not to say there is bad vegan food, but try filling 60 kiosks with vendors and tell me they are all good. Also, leather was banned as part of the team’s gear, which made things awkward, and the head office decided maybe better to let this one lie than open a can of spinach.

The Texas Trumps Walls

A forehead slap was all this received, and not by anyone to themselves, oh no. One member of the HO reportedly stood up and backhanded the applicant across their forehead as hard as they could. Surprisingly, the applicant still asked if he should take that as a no or not. Security became involved, and the applicant was never heard from or seen again. I worry if the HO didn’t overreact with this one slightly.

Now you see the lengths that people go to apply to create or rebrand a new SHL franchise, and what our dear members of the head office have to deal with when it comes to the big decision of moving teams around. Many of you may have heard about more of these failed teams that I missed, it turns out that sneaking in through a garbage disposal chute and hiding in a files office for 2 days sets off alarms after a while, and I was unable to collect any more valuable data. Please, share with me any other teams that you’ve seen or heard of, and let’s welcome the ones that we are get with open arms.

Barret McCarthy, reporting and looking for bail money.

(1104 words)