We’ve been in the orbits of many planets so far as well as one famous non-planet, and now we’re warming up a bit by moving to Saturn.

Saturn is a nice, giant planet. The second-largest planet is a yellowish-cream color and a bit… erm… fat at the equator compared to the poles (Saturn is seriously about 10% wider at the equator than at the poles - get an image and see for yourself!). Saturn is well-known for its extensive ring system, which is mostly ice. We could try a game on the rings, but Saturn’s rings are mostly made of small particles, most of them less than a meter wide. Its gravity is surprisingly low for such a giant planet, just over a sixteenth more than Earth’s. This is because Saturn isn’t made of very dense stuff compared to Earth. Most of Saturn is gas and liquid, compared to the very solid Earth. In fact, Saturn is the least dense of all of the planets - even less so than water. Saturn would actually float in water, if you were to find an ocean big enough (but such an ocean would mean a lot of hydrogen, and that much hydrogen would pretty much undergo nuclear fusion and become a star, killing Saturn).

But we’re going to one of Saturn’s moons. Saturn has many small icy moons, but Titan is different. The largest of all of Saturn’s moons, it’s even larger than Mercury, meaning that it just barely gets into the top 10 objects in the solar system by size - sitting at 10th place. It’s the second-largest moon in the solar system, after Jupiter’s Ganymede, which is 9th place. This also means that it is the largest object in the solar system we’ve visited so far.

Upon approaching Titan, we see a thick golden orange haze covering the entire surface. Titan is the only moon with a dense atmosphere, about one and a half times thicker than Earth’s. Most of the atmosphere is nitrogen, with traces of methane. As we approach the surface, we can observe dark methane lakes and seas on the surface. Much like Earth has a water cycle, Titan has a methane cycle. In the cold depths of space this far from the Sun, liquid methane can exist. It vaporizes and it rains back down, producing interesting weather on this moon. In the sky, we can see Saturn, not moving as if it were permanently glued to the sky, its rings only visible as a thin horizontal line slicing the planet in two, which is often interrupted by some of the small inner moons that pass between us and Saturn. We orbit Saturn about once every two weeks.

Of course, we need a rink of methane ice, since such an ice surface would be awesome and epic and cool and everything else. Note that I have no idea how a methane ice rink would work out in real life, so I’ll assume it will be just like a water ice rink. If it’s not, please take this as a bit of creative imagination and interpretation of my part. Perhaps technology has been invented to simulate water ice from methane ice. I don’t know. Just don’t overthink this.

And our players are entering the rink, a roster has been provided, thankfully I’ve learned to read Titanean ahead of time. Wait, is that Inero? The guy who killed - what was his name, sorry? - and caused his team to be suspended? Wait, I… N… E… R… O… It is him!

I’ve seen both teams play before, and play dirty, so I know what to expect for this one. Two strong and tough teams battling it out on methane ice. I’d be interested to see how this goes.

First period, faceoff and Mars, struggling a bit due to the methane ice, is telling Inero to surrender. The heck? This again? Inero knows he cannot cause another incident, so he skates around and around the Martian player with the puck - kind of like a little orbit. Mars falls over. This is an interesting strategy. Do they do this with all other players, given that Titan is one of the few methane rinks in the solar system? Inero to Tinro, Tinro to Mars? Mars intercepts, cannot control the puck! Tinro takes it away, sends it to the Martian goalie, who falls over and it’s a goal! Titan 1, Mars 0.

The puck is sent there, then there, then that’s a lot of activity next to the oth- wait, did someone collapse? No, they’re fine. Inero gets it back. Mars’s defenseman - or is that a forward? It’s hard to tell. He takes the puck and slowly advances and then manages to trip over his own skate! He gets up to his feet, punches the ice, which does not break at all. He raises his- and he’s dragged off by one of his teammates. I cannot understand their language, might be something about that Pluto thing last we- wait, what? I missed a goal? Oh, we need the cameras to review it and it does not go in. Center faceoff. Titan gets it. Inero passes to Seruno, who ices the puck. Seruno to… I can’t read that from here, and it’s the end of the first period.

Oh, that’s Jedino. Some of those letters look very similar to each other…

Second period. Mars wins the faceoff, passes it there, to him - did I mention I can’t read Martian? - then that guy trips again. I seem to recognize him as the guy who called the tanks onto the ice last time. And he doesn’t get up… and everyone’s moving towards him… is he hurt? Did Titan cause this somehow? The clock is stopped.

And he gets up, and seems to be struggling with tying his skates. That’s why he tripped. His skates were untied. Shouldn’t take this long… should we call a delay of game? Ah no, Inero is being kind enough to fix the issue. And I’ve been informed that he actually didn’t know how. That’s why it took so long.

Clock resumes. Titan wins the faceoff. Inero is… friends with that player? They must both be very aggressive players. He passes to Seruno, then Jedino, then Mars intercepts that, passes to that other Martian guy, then that guy, then that very interesting Martian guy - I need to find out his name this week - Kerino intercepts it! He passes to Serino again, who advances up the ice and aims right at the Martian goalie - Ouch! That has to hurt… eugh… I can’t look.

Oh, he’s okay and this is normal for Martian goalies. Titan scored. 2-0. One second left and the third period is about to start.

Inero comes up to me, hello Inero. Ras… no, Ras. Ras-nulk. Rasnolk? Yes, Rasnolk. Rasnolkh? Rasnolk. And he is informing me that that guy’s name is Rasnolk. Thanks, Inero. Also he likes my commentary - does he watch games from Earth? And how does he understand English fairly well? And he understands Martian fairly well? It’s fairly cool he learned both languages on his own, to be honest.

This is a bit strange. Inero and Rasnolk. Such good friends now.

Third period begins. Rasnolk takes the puck, sends it to the defenseman, who goes forward and trips. He seems to be angry at the ice. He gets up to discover the puck has been taken from him. Jedino takes it and moves it forward, past the Martian player. He passes to Tinro. Tinro shoots, the goalie is distracted, it goes in! 3-0.

Faceoff. Rasnolk is pretty angry. He says something to Inero and then charges right past him. One problem. He forgot the puck! Inero has it and then it is iced!

Now for the fun. Usually something interesting happens here, but this is a surprisingly calm game. Mars isn’t trying to get revenge, probably because of what happened last time as well as the fact that they’re trying to learn how to navigate on this type of ice. Some have gotten pretty good, others are still slow. Looks like both teams are exhausted. Rasnolk glances at his laces it seems, and… hey, where’d the puck- oh, there it is. Jedino has it, shoots, and he misses! The goalie sends it the other way! Rasnolk takes it, and how he’s charging towards the Titanean goalie. I cannot remember his name right now- oh, Orebin. Orebin looks determined to stop this puck and he doesn't react in time! Mars scores! 3-1! I’m surprised how Rasnolk didn’t trip on that.

Rasnolk seems content. We’re about halfway through. Inero takes it, sends it to Jedino. Jedino advances, nice attack, and it falls apart! Mars takes things back, oh this is getting intense. Now everything and anything is happening on the ice. Tinro, Inero, Jedino are all doing their own things, Rasnolk has crashed into the boards, knocking something out, who the hell knows where the puck is? Oh, he has it. That Martian guy. He takes it up to Orebin, Orebin has this look of shock, jumps right at the Martian guy, which allows the puck to slide underneath him and…

It bounces off of the net. No goal.

One minute left. Inero passes to… Rasnolk? What the heck, they’re on different teams? He communicates something. Rasnolk just nods. Rasnolk does this interesting strategy - okay, I don’t know what’s going on and Rasnolk scores on Orebin! 3-2. ...And just after that, he trips, helmet impacting the ice. No damage.

Faceoff, Inero takes this one for Rasnolk… wait.

BEEP

The game ends with a Titanean victory. I think I’ll stay for a bit longer.

The players do their traditional handshake - Inero is hugging Rasnolk? Inero is hugging Rasnolk! I figured they have become friends. Ah, Rasnolk’s skates have untied again...

And a notification on my device here… Inero has invited me as a friend on SpaceNet. Inero, I accept. Rasnolk, just come here. Inero, help me translate. I want to teach Rasnolk.

So Rasnolk, just grab the laces like this and cross them, then take this…

[The next ten minutes are spent explaining to Rasnolk how to tie his laces.]

And Rasnolk, with that, your laces should never come untied in a game ever again. And to untie them, just grab this and pull. Demonstrate that you know how to do this, and then retie them. And untie them, and retie them… just do this ten times as practice, Rasnolk. I’ll help you out if you forget.

[A few minutes later.]

Okay Rasnolk - oof! Okay, I’ll hug you. Wait, you say that Igor back on Earth needs some assistance? And you’ll help him out, okay. And also, I accept your friend request on SpaceNet. Seems you’re just a guy who gets a bit angry. And- ah, you take out your anger because of those laces. I see… hopefully they shouldn’t cause you issues again.

Inero, I’ll hug you as well.

Well, that was a very interesting game, nothing chaotic at the end it would seem. Rasnolk, I’ll be going to Mars for the next game, hopefully I’ll speak at least some Martian by then, and you know who you’ll be playing?

You’ll be playing Earth? I’m from Earth!

And Rasnolk has invited me to join the Martian team. I have to decline, as I’m sure that would not be allowed under league rules. Wait, what is this… your coach wants to sign me? And it’s SHL approved somehow? Well, no problem. I’ll be with you for the next game. I have to train for Mars.

Next episode: Mars. After that, Earth.

S48 Four Star Cup Champion (Vancouver Whalers)

It seems Tinro, Inero, and Jedino  have Italian Heritage!

Stupid Mars... They should of brought the tanks in anyways!!

This guy says we don't know what the surface is like on Titan but that was over 20 years ago so maybe we know now!?

@PenKnight Actually, I was kind of thinking Japanese, but Italian also works.

Also, do you really want Mars to be banned from the league?

Also, it was mostly Cassini from 2004-2017 that showed us Titan's surface, and its Huygens probe that landed on Titan in 2005 to get images from the surface.

S48 Four Star Cup Champion (Vancouver Whalers)