(This is just a rando media article I made to attempt to be funny and pay some future bills down the line. Nothing bad is going on with my user or player or anything. Word count is 707 I think.)

---

Caffeine is one hell of a drug.

Controversial athlete representative and self-proclaimed "super-agent" Brett Parker was arrested this morning in downtown Winnipeg. The charges levied against Parker were multiple counts of public intoxication, public indecency, vandalism, and property damage.

The morally bankrupt Parker was first spotted at Little Richard's Pizzeria in the downtown core, a popular hole-in-the-wall restaurant that is open 24 hours a day. Parker had been camped in the pizzeria drinking coffee, eating pizza, and bemoaning his life for 3 days, and in the words of several anonymous eyewitnesses "Was acting crazier than a rainbow trout in a car wash". The primary cause seems to be his solitary SHL client: Nick Brain of the Winnipeg Jets.

The popular British forward has been having a strong sophomore year for the Jets, registering 33 points in 45 games and drawing occasional time on the team's top forward line. Brain has also been making out like a bandit on the financial front, scoring several endorsement deals with companies such as Gatorade and Nike, in addition to a recent out-of-court settlement with ZMT Sports rumoured to be in the seven figures for this defamatory article. Further lawsuits against ZMT Sports involving Nick Brain and Oklahoma State college basketball prospect Gerald Eddy are still pending.

Ultimately, it seems that Parker has not seen a dime of that, despite being Nick's agent. The rumoured reason behind this is Parker forcing Brain to sign a contract so overladen with double-talk and legalese that not even Parker could understand it. Thus, Parker was surprised when his own contract turned out to give him a zero-percent share in Nick's endorsement money or salary, with Parker not even being allowed to negotiate deals on Nick's behalf and only being entitled to a token cash payment. Said cash is payable only by hockey media tycoon T. D. McJesus, who has since taken Parker to court over being "forced" to give money to someone who doesn't write or do radio shows for him. McJesus has now sued Parker for "Infinity plus one" dollars for those heinous crimes.

Parker decided to go on a 3-day binge at the pizzeria, and was heard bemoaning his current state of affairs regularly. At one point Parker was seen sobbing into his coffee, asking out loud "Why didn't I ditch this fucking bust Brit and represent Michael Scarn instead?" (Scarn of course is represented in negotiations by an unknown paper company in the Tri-State area.). Eventually, Parker somehow managed to get drunk on coffee and had a fight with the pizzeria's namesake owner Little Richard, before leaving in a huff.

Parker then made his way over to the Jets team offices, and urinated on a snowbank in front of the team offices, spelling out the words "Gary Grease is a bastard". Parker then threw a dirt ice block through the plate glass windows off the Jets offices before stumbling off in the night. Eyewitness accounts report that Parker was screaming on the streets about the salary practises of the SHL and chastising Nick Brain and Gary Grease for conspiring to keep salaries down with Nick's recent extension (2 years, 3 and a half million per year, signed around the start of this season.). Parker is indeed an outspoken critic of the league's salary structure, calling the league's arbitrary salary tiers and Home Town Discount rule "totalitarian", and threatening the SHL with lawsuits in the near future, under the umbrella of a rumoured SHL Players Association.

Eventually, Parker was arrested and sent to the local jail, with a court hearing pending in a few days. In a tersely worded statement on Twitter likely written by a bot, Nick Brain confirmed that his agent was fired and he would represent himself in contract negotiations going forward, before (probably sarcastically) wishing Brett Parker best of luck in his future endeavours.

Curiously, Parker was rumoured to have blown a 0.15 on the police breathalyzer, despite having drunk nothing but coffee for 3 days. His law firm, "I Can't Believe Its A Law Firm, LLC" declined to comment further on the case.