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Ramicus · 07-14-2015, 05:24 AM

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS COMPLETELY IN JEST. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS AS ANYTHING MORE THAN A BIT OF HUMOR. IF I AM RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU'LL PROBABLY WANT TO KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF.

Good evening, everybody. We're live from Simulation Hockey League headquarters in Schultzy's basement, reporting on a list of shocking new revelations about some of the site's most beloved members. Air piracy, FBI investigations, religious leaders, kings and queens, frozen envelopes, and so much more!

Let's dig in, shall we? There is a time for truth, and that time is coming up as soon as you go to the next line.

I'm sure some of you have wondered how Schultzy paid for so many things to better our site, from a fancy URL that I don't use to a long-running Reddit ad. You may have asked yourself why he has so often casually brought up skydiving. Maybe he's told you he doesn't fly because he thinks the TSA is unconstitutional. The money was given to him by the Federal Bureau of Investigation in 1971 in negotiable American currency. That's right, our very own Schultz is D.B. Cooper, he who committed the only unsolved hijacking in United States aviation history. The $200,000 he received nearly forty four years ago is worth over one million dollars today, and although he surely must have spent some of it, he evidently has more than enough to support our simulation hockey.

The above is probably very good news for our commissioner, xDParK. Although he's an avid member of the league when he needs a break, xDParK is an FBI agent. To make matters more interesting for us, better for him, and worse for dear DB Schultzy, Park's case is, you guessed it, the hijacking of Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 305. The two have worked together closely since Schultzy's appointment as assistant commissioner, which makes this reporter wonder just how good Mr. xDParK is at his job.

You probably didn't know this, but JPL, also known as Michael J. Caboose, is a lot older than he claims (then again, who on the internet doesn't lie about their age these days?). He's probably never told you about his famous cousin, either. Conspiracy theorists may point to Altgen No. 6 as proof that Lee Harvey Oswald didn't really shoot President John F. Kennedy. Sorry to burst your bubble, you crazy whackjobs, but the man in the doorway of the Texas School Book Depository is a fellow SHLer.

Although Rio DiAngelo, supposedly the lone survivor of the Heaven's Gate mass suicide back in nineteen ninety seven, is well known (at least in conspiracy circles, you've probably never heard of him or Heaven's Gate), it is a little known fact former West Kendall Platoon general manager Syckez, recently returned to the league, was there, too. Through something that could surely not be any less than a miracle, Julien Marshall ate the apple sauce and drank the vodka, but still lived to play fake hockey online another day. This might explain why he is sometimes kookoo for cocoa puffs

Moving on from the big bombshells to some little tidbits...

Former commissioner Spangle's godfather is David Stern, of NBA and frozen envelope fame. When we consider this along with allegations of lottery rigging throughout Spangle's tenure, perhaps things might make a little bit more sense.

Gorlab will tell you that his job is to help people, and that it involves technology. Both of these statements are true, but let's just say that the people aren't exactly people, and that the â€œtechnologyâ€ involves a silver tube and a flash of red flight. Get it? Good.

Everyone's calling the member currently named Winter Is Coming Winter 2.0 or Fake Winter, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. If you've ever heard of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, you're on your way to understanding just what's going on with those two.

This has been Installment I of who knows how many? We just might be back from Schultzy's basement sometime soon!