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bilbo · 02-05-2019, 03:40 PM

Quote:Ready for grading! WC: 4,320

Bilbo Rates Simulation Hockey League Jobs
Biased News with Bilbo Junior

Here at Biased News with Bilbo Jr. (BNB Jr.), we try to bring you the greatest and latest developments in most things important to bilbo in the SMJHL. BNB Jr. is a for-profit news organization dedicated to getting that sweet, sweet TPE.

Every once and awhile, the journalists at BNB (SHL news) and BNB Jr. (SMJHL news) check their bank accounts and worry that they will not be able to get through the month on bread alone supplied by the BNBBD (BNB Bakery Department). When these moments creep up, our head journalist, bilbo, contemplates getting a job in the SHL.

Bilbo has been an Assigned Player Updater and a Fantasy League Manager and both were fine, but bilbo tries their hardest to not spend more time on SHL than is necessary for one bread. (During the long drawn out time this article has taken to get published, bilbo has accidentally become an IIHF Federation Head and spent countless hours on SHL, but more on that later.) On the off chance that anyone from BNB, BNB Jr., or first generation players actually want to get further involved in the Simulated Hockey League, we have compiled a list of at least some of the jobs offered by the league and are giving some insight into each. The actual job descriptions of all jobs, not just the ones we are touching on, can be found here.

SHL Commissioner
This is the biggest job boy there is. This job does not offer pay even though it takes up countless hours a week. You are supposed to know all the things around the league, put up with people you do not like (I am ASSUMING here), but the perks are that some people respect you and you get to enjoy people poking fun at you out of love. The hashtag #FireEggy was highly prominent a few seasons back, but it seems most egg haters have resolved to just permanently hating HO no matter what, so there is less #FireEggy hashtags seen in sigs nowadays and more Thunderdoming the HO in general, as far as BNB Jr. has noticed.

BNB Jr. reached out to @Eggy216, current SHL Commissioner, like three times and was never given any answers, so we went ahead and answered these questions for him:

Bilbo: What do you like about this job?
Eggy216: First off, hi, my name’s Eggy!! I love the Buffalo Sabres and Buffalo Bills for some reason. What I love about being SHL Commissioner is nothing because when I’m not living my life, I am dealing with a bunch of people who aren’t bilbo, and what’s the point of the SHL if you aren’t talking to bilbo?

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
Eggy216: I don’t talk to bilbo as much anymore and haven’t updated my Overwatch, or maybe I have, and just haven’t told bilbo. :(

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Eggy216: No, because bilbo is scared of someone less lovable becoming commish, so I will stay here forever, I guess.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Eggy216: MLP

The job description page says that Eggy answers to Nobody, but to not confuse new users, the SHL Commissioner answers to Nobody, not Nobody. Got it? Good.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job after the village has stormed through and destroyed Eggy’s home?
Bilbo: Absolutely not. Go egg or go home. If egg house is destroyed, send egg to live in a carton with fast WiFi. Bilbo rates this job 2/5 bread stars, since power is nice and knowing things is cool, but bilbo has things to do.

SMJHL Commissioner
This is the second biggest job boy there is in the league. @Nobody is the current SMJHL Commissioner and he answers to Eggy216, but Nobody has final say over whatever happens with the SMJHL. With this job, you also have to know all the things about the league, and from recent experience, you also have to be fond of bilbo and like the hit TV show Merlin that ran from 2008-2012. RIP Merlin.

This job might not be for everyone, but in case anyone has aspirations of kicking Nobody out, he was nice enough to give us some insight, because unlike Eggy, he cares about me:

Bilbo: What do you like about this job?
Nobody: A lot. It's given me a new look at everything on the site. There are a lot of people that like to complain about everything on the site, with this job I can actually have an influence on stuff when I complain! But in all seriousness being able to make what I believe are positive changes for the site is a good feeling, and when it receives positive feedback from (most) people, it's even better.

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
Nobody: A lot. Having to punish people - we don't like firing or punishing people (despite how often we want to do it), but we're not left with a choice a lot of the time.

Secondly, having to juggle 20 things at once - the offseason is the worst for this, especially this offseason. It's everything from basic questions from GMs, discussing changes, managing permissions, preparing spreadsheets, hiring people, etc. And there's always someone to shout at you for the smallest thing being missed.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Nobody: hahahahahahaha noooooo... If you value your sanity, stay away from any HO job. Long hours, no pay, people shouting at you always.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Nobody: Somedays 1, somedays 5. There's a lot more of the good days than the bad though, but there's the odd day when I just want to say [fudge] it and have someone else deal with this [silly nonsense].
(Nobody swore and needed to be censored.)

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: No. Nobody deserves this job. Bilbo rates this 2/5 for same reasons as for the SHL Commissioner.

Simmer
Not just the commissioners have to put up with people though, the simmers hear a lot of whining as well. @Evok is the current SHL and IIHF simmer and was nice enough to give us some insight into this job:

Bilbo: What do you like about this job?
Evok: I like the fact it is easy most of the time since we regulated the updates to a CSV sheet. When the GMs properly highlight in different colors their change, I most of the time do not miss it. I have let them know however that it is still possible I miss some and the only way I would not miss anything is if they use the client file.

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
Evok: The time constraint. Be sick one day and you will know people can be ass about it. I also find it hard sometime to be so regulated, especially in playoffs where I need to also sim in the evening and in the weekends when I am away.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Evok: I would recommend it to someone who is able to be punctual and pay attention to detail. If you are not any of those two qualities, do not even try, your life will be hell.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Evok: Like maybe a 3.5.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: Nope. Out of all the SHL jobs, I would maybe want this the least, just because people would be bugging me all the time to get the sims up. Big kudos to Evok, JR95 (SMJHL), and SlashACM (WJC) for being simmers. Shout-out to @JR95 for being nice to me except for today when he got sad at me. Also a shout-out to @JayWhy who left his longtime job as simmer but kept his job as protector of bilbo from bears. Normally, I would do a job if it paid big SHL bucks, but I would maybe only take this if it offered real world money. Rating it 3.5 bread stars like Evok, because I trust her judgement.

SMJHL Player Progression Director
There are two right now, Jenny and ej27, and you can thank those lovely people for all your narrative-friendly point tasks in the SMJHL.

@ej27 expressed her fondness of Jenny and also mentioned some things about the job:

Bilbo: What do you like about this job?
Ej27: My favorite thing about this job is that I get to do it with Jenny. I think we make a pretty good team and we've got a system down that makes it pretty easy. We try to combine PTs that require rookies to get out there and talk to people on their teams with PTs that require them to read the SIM and learn a little bit about that and about build types, etc. It's fun getting to introduce true rookies to the league via PTs.

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
Ej27: It's less fun trying to make PTs that will satisfy everyone. Bottom line is, you can't. We do our best to take feedback into consideration.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Ej27: I would not, because I don't want to give it up lol. But yeah, it's a pretty easy gig. You've got to be a little creative and you've got to be able to stick to a schedule, but it's not super time consuming if you plan all of the PTs out ahead of time.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Ej27: 4.5 It's the job I've liked most, and I've held quite a few.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: Only if ej and Jenny died and they needed me to carry on their legacy. I imagine this job would be fun, but ej/Jenny’s feelings are v important to me. Bilbo rates this job 4 out of 5 bread stars.

SHL GM
Because we knew he would answer our questions and we could bug him about it, we turned to Nobody once again to let us know about what it is like to be a general manager in the SHL. Nobody is the GM of the Toronto North Dallas Stars.

Bilbo: What do you like about this job?
Nobody: Winning. The best part of GMing is getting to build your LR, winning is nice but the LR is the most important part of a team.

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
Nobody: Losing. It can be stressful at times. You may have the best plans for your team and everything looks great, then one little thing goes wrong and you're [fudged] for the next few seasons. But by far the worst part of GMing, SimonT.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Nobody: It's not a job for everyone, but if you are interested in the management side of the sim it is definitely worth a shot. It does require a lot of dedication. WJC and IIHF GMing are a great entry point for someone wanting to try out GMing.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Nobody: 4-5ish. GMing can be one of the most rewarding jobs on the site. Compared to other jobs it also has the least amount of people shouting at you which is nice.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: No. I never want to be an SHL GM. I am a busy man, or at least I thought I was at one point in time before playing video games with people on Discord all the time. No SHL GMing for me. It feels like too big of a commitment, even though all the other jobs above are also big commitments. However, the power to mold a team is a neat idea, as is creating a fun locker room for strangers to care about, and maybe then when friends tell me to stop messing with fake hockey, I can say I have a team to run and feel semi-important, but no. Lettuce not entertain the thought.

SMJHL GM
The first GM a rookie player gets to know is their SMJHL GM, and this person (or team of people if the co/others are heavily involved) can in some ways help shape the kind of player an SHL member turns out to be, whether it be an active legendary player or a frequent flyer into the Thunderdome or both or neither or maybe we’re just trying to relate parenting to GMing too much. Anyway, @Zoone16 is a perfect example of watching a smol rookie turn into an active community member, and we like to think ej27 and Jenny (his SMJHL GMs) helped raise him to be the good he is today on the SHL, though he certainly did most of it on his own. Zoone is currently working to bring a Four Star Cup to Kelowna, and we’re sure it can happen in the near future, as long as it’s not at the expense of the Halifax Raiders who will be victorious soon enough. Just you wait.

Zoone put on two hats to answer these questions about SMJHL GMing, the one bilbo made him and his GM hat:

Bilbo: What do you like about this job?
GM: Developing young players into the SHL stars of tomorrow is a reward in itself. From teaching them how to be on the ice to how to be top professionals off the ice, it's all a big learning experience for them and I'm loving to teach.
Zoone16: I'm really enjoying creating a fun and friendly environment to help new players and recreates alike. The goal is to make users active, updating and involved in the development of the SHL and SMJHL.

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
GM: Young players that give up too early because results aren't immediate.
Zoone16: Can I say having to go through so many rounds this past reddit draft? By the end I was dead tired. Otherwise I'd say people that sign up and immediately go inactive.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
GM: As long as they don't get me fired to take my spot I'd recommend any position in the SMJHL.
Zoone16: For sure. I think SMJHL Co-GM & SMJHL GM are some great positions to start getting involved in the management aspect of the league.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
GM: Easy 5. I've enjoyed every moment at the helm of this franchise. And with my front office team it's made my job a lot easier.
Zoone16: 4.5. There isn't much I don't enjoy being GM. Getting people interested and updating, discussing trades, tweaking lines in the hopes of improving our standings. It's all real fun.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: I would entertain the idea of maybe being a co-GM some day, but I have already asked @Jenny to punch me in the face if I do, because like I said before, I am a busy man, and SMJHL GMs are super important in helping new players adapt to the league. What I like about the SMJHL though is to try to figure out which first generation players are going to be the future legends, and they are very much a breath of fresh air to the league. If I were ever a GM or co-GM, I would put my all into it, and I cannot afford to do that right now. Must play video games with people and argue about ketchup in/out of the fridge instead.

IIHF Federation Head
With all that said above concerning SMJHL and SHL GMing and how much bilbo would be stressed doing it, it’s different for IIHF. Most of the time, your players are already committed to your team due to their birthplace being decided when they create their player, and by IIHF time, they already know how the SHL works, and if not, they have their SMJHL and SHL locker rooms to rely on for help as well. Other times, Nobody is doing all the lines and deciding the roster, since he said he would, but bilbo bets they will have to help at some point and are just not going to think about it right now. All of the time, you are bilco, co-GM of Team United Kingdom.

Bilbo: What do you like about this job?
Bilbo2: I like that I changed my name in the Discord channel to bilco and also that I can edit Nobody’s posts now and fix his grammar (though I didn’t fix it in this article, because I’m a monster). I haven’t done much yet, but I have a list, and I’m excited to help get Team UK pumped about the IIHF season. Also, my username on SHL is italicized and purple now, so that is a new and exciting thing happening in my life right now.

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
Bilbo2: Nothing yet, please check back in two weeks.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Bilbo2: If I start not liking it, then yes, definitely.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Bilbo2: I would rate it 5/5 bread stars, because you’re hopefully making the off-season a fun time for folks on the team, and for me, anyway, I get to help a friend out with things and help raise a team my fake son, Dom, will one day join.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: I would have said no up until last week, but now I’m glad I caved in.

Assigned Player Updater
Bilbo has been an Assigned Player Updater, back in the dark days of not wanting to write articles, so we got answers quickly for this one:

Bilbo: What did you like about this job?
Bilbo2: I like following rules and making sure math checks out. I liked knowing that the teams I was updating were correct in their player updates and also it was just very nice to see some people be very organized with their updates. Hugs to those people.

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
Bilbo2: It took up a lot of time on my Sundays to do this for some reason. Then my partner started getting mad at me for staying on the computer for hours, and then I started getting mad at me for not getting things done around the house. Also I just have terrible time management. So yeah, had to quit. Got Sundays back. Am happier.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Bilbo2: Sure! If you aren’t paranoid about getting something wrong and don’t triple check everything. Or maybe you should be someone who does that, because I bet too many things slide by. :thonk: But seriously, do this job if you pay good attention to detail and are not afraid to tell someone when they hecked up their player updates. Most of the time, they will thank you, because we all want to be honest TPE earners in this league, right?

Also, I got my name BNB from being a player updater, because one player would call me Bad News Bilbo every time I updated them, because they messed something up a couple times in a row. So, there you go.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Bilbo2: 3.5 bread stars, my dudes. It was nice to get a paycheck, plus the other nice stuff I said, but eh.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: I did, and I don’t regret it, but it does take a lot of time for people named bilbo.

Fantasy League Manager
Bilbo has also had this job, so very quickly for people who are thinking about applying some day but are afraid to ask someone else what it is like:

Bilbo: What did you like about this job?
Bilbo2: I got paid money to keep people in line/type numbers into a spreadsheet. I know the spreadsheets are different now from when I did it, so maybe it’s even easier and more fun?

Bilbo: What did you dislike about this job?
Bilbo2: At the time, I was just starting to become more active on the actual forums, so it stressed me out having to check it more than I was used to and also I didn’t want to mess anyone’s stats up, so that was a worry.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Bilbo2: Yeah! It’s easy money and a good way to introduce yourself to SHL jobs without having hardly any responsibility. Just make sure you are able to have access to the site/spreadsheets every day for at least a week or so as your group members make their fantasy picks, and then after that, be good at reading/plugging in the scoring stats. EDIT: IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS ANYMORE. SO BE REALLY HAPPY, YA CHEESE BALLS.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Bilbo2: 4.5/5 bread stars since it’s still a job, but it’s easy, at least I thought so. It doesn’t get a 5, because it was still a job.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: I did and I would maybe do it again, but I also like seeing jobs go to people who really want them/maybe newcomers to the site who, like I said above, want a taste of an SHL job.

Bilbo’s Friend
When asked if he would answer our job questions about SHL Commissioner, Eggy216 said, “I thought the job was being your friend.” So this sparked a new job title that BNB Jr. quickly went to work on developing, especially because Eggy then never got back to us on answers, so we needed more words for money. Requirements of this job include being nice to bilbo, being nice to yourself, and at the very least, not going out of your way to be an asshole as much as you can help it.

Of everyone on the SHL, @Jenny has had the job of Bilbo’s Friend the longest. Bilbo and Jenny met in real life in 2011, and somehow, Jenny has not yet murdered bilbo, even after they entered the SHL together in 2016. It was only fitting to ask her the most important questions, and luckily, she was in the mood to quickly support bilbo in their endeavors:

Bilbo: What do you like about this job?
Jenny: I like having someone around whomst I know won't judge me too harshly for anything I do or say, because if they were gonna judge me, they would have done it eight years ago. When you go through the hellfires of Glee fandom together, you know you can withstand anything. When it comes to my own duties as Bilbo's Friend, it's very rewarding able to say something that's useful, whether it be as simple as helping with grammar or as deep as talking them down from some dramatic shit. I also like that, as a tenured holder of this job, I can sass bilbo as much as might be necessary.

Bilbo: What do you dislike about this job?
Jenny: I don't love when bilbo is definitely judging me for my actions, because then I know I done fucked up. Also, sometimes bilbo's reading comprehension is truly for shit, but I make up for it with aforementioned sass.

Bilbo: Would you recommend it to someone else?
Jenny: 100%. There's never a dull moment when you're Bilbo's Friend. But no one (and I mean no one, Nobody) is allowed to take my specific position as supreme Bilbo's Friend, as I will be holding it for the foreseeable future and possibly until death, and I hope that's very clear to everyone.

Bilbo: Between 1 and 5 (5 being awesome), what would you rate this job?
Jenny: Overall, the pros outweigh the cons by leaps and bounds, so it's a definite 5.

Would bilbo ever apply for this job?
Bilbo: I tend to agree with Jenny on most things, so yes, 10/10 would apply. Also would rate 5/5 bread stars, since I’ve lived with myself for literally every single moment I’ve been alive (exhausting), and we’re still roommates, so I’d say we’re in it to win it. Unfortunately, this job does not pay in SHL dollars, but it is priceless.

If you’re still not sure about this job, here are some extra features:

Immediate perks include bilbo showering you with pepemojis, telling you you’re great, and trying to make u smile.

One to three month perks include all of the above, but also includes bilbo hoping you’re doing well in life even if they don’t ask, bilbo feeling comfortable to tell you when you’re being a jerk, and also you getting to watch bilbo die multiple times in shooting games OR beat your butt in jackbox games.

The three month to one year package is not clearly marked on the box, but some people who have the role of Bilbo’s Friend do tell us that these perks include bilbo telling you things they like about you when they’re drunk, a semi-regular proclamation about wishing they wanted food, for example, bilbo might say, “I really wish I wanted a calzone, but I do not,” and more.

One year to forever package includes bilbo maybe buying you macarons at a cafe in real life, you putting up with bilbo laughing at nothing, all the time, god, why??, and more!

Thanks to everyone who answered my questions! You all have the position of Bilbo's Friend!

If you have more questions about SHL jobs, please feel free to reach out to Eggy216 and Nobody, because I know they don’t get enough messages, so yours will be gladly welcomed.

*slothfacekilla* · 02-05-2019, 03:58 PM

I'm here to apply for bilbo's friend

**Nobody** · 02-05-2019, 03:59 PM

Should have asked me about more jobs tbh...
But would give them all up to apply for Bilbo's friend

bilbo · 02-05-2019, 04:02 PM

02-05-2019, 03:58 PMslothfacekilla Wrote: I'm here to apply for bilbo's friend

Oh wow, would you look at that!! Already on the list, brother:

[Image: bujL04R.png]

bilbo · 02-05-2019, 04:04 PM

02-05-2019, 03:59 PMNobody Wrote: Should have asked me about more jobs tbh...
But would give them all up to apply for Bilbo's friend

When you give them all up, can I have your season's money then?
Angel

*Zoone16* · 02-05-2019, 04:10 PM

Am @bilbo 's friend. Pretty great. Can confirm. Just like hat bilbo made me.

bilbo · 02-05-2019, 04:13 PM

02-05-2019, 04:10 PMZoone16 Wrote: Am @bilbo 's friend. Pretty great. Can confirm. Just like hat bilbo made me.

Kalakar · 02-05-2019, 04:17 PM

02-05-2019, 03:58 PMslothfacekilla Wrote: I'm here to apply for bilbo's friend

I'm also here to apply for a Bilbo's Friend position.

*Zoone16* · 02-05-2019, 04:21 PM

02-05-2019, 04:13 PMbilbo Wrote:
02-05-2019, 04:10 PMZoone16 Wrote: Am @bilbo 's friend. Pretty great. Can confirm. Just like hat bilbo made me.

M'doggo

dizzyDC · 02-05-2019, 04:22 PM

Where does the line start to be bilbo's friend?

*Tomen* · 02-05-2019, 04:23 PM

I remember Bilbasaur as an Updater back in the day

Thank you all for the amazing sigs & player cards
Germany

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