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***hotdog*** · 02-26-2019, 05:46 PM

word count: 1424 (x2 first media bonus)

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What's that sound? That's the Smokeshow Alert!!!!! That's right folks, it's me - Alexis Flexis - here to walk you through the best man-rockets and dime pieces in the SMJHL. It's time to break down the Top Ten hottest players on this season's rosters. They may be in pads and helmets on-ice but I've got the exclusive locker room access, as well as search capabilities on Google and Instagram, so no sweaters or cages are getting in the way of this reporter's highly subjective but well-informed rankings. Dim the lights, light a candle, grab your favorite lotion and the nearest box of tissues - let's dive in.

(these are based on player renders so don't get your panties all tied in various bunches if you're not named; i'm sure you're all definitely beautiful gods and goddesses irl)

#10 - Dominic Montgomery raiders

We're talkin locks here, folks, and not the kind on doors. In fact, I'm leaving all of mine unlocked if this beaut is in town for a game. The hair of a god sits atop Dominic's smiling dome... what I wouldn't give to run my hands through that gold. A captain of the Halifax Raiders, I'd be happy to stand at attention. Montgomery can be my Dom any day of the week. He can Raid anything he wants of mine. I'd gladly move to the back of this Montgomery bus if Dominic was sitting back there.

#9 - Dickens Makeout-King Lions

[Image: Brandon+Tanev+Winnipeg+Jets+v+Philadelph...bVRKDl.jpg]

Let's hope this Lethbridgian stays true to his name cuz I'd like a whirl with the Makeout King. I'd latch right on to that square jaw and never let go, let me tell ya. I'll let this Makeout King slip the Dicken. I'll be Lion down in bed waiting for this stud to come home, that's for sure. This guy puts the Man in Manitoba.

#8 - Griffith Cadwalader Militia

His name is a mouthful but I don't mind a mouthful of this guy right here. I'm sure I'd have a Wales of a time with this Welshman. He can go clean-shaven choir boy or bearded bad boy, and either way is just fine by me. The right winger hails from Aberysthwyth, and I can tell you I would love to have Abery good time wyth him.

#7 - Siobhan Ryleigh Militia

[Image: c9024374d27bef3f23ba5446dda3ad3f.jpg]

They don't call me Alexis Flexis for nothin', this reporter is a true two-way forward happy to go both ways! And I'm Ryliegh, Ryliegh, Ryleigh attracted to this dime from the US. Very excited to see she's a two-way forward too! It's neat that her jersey number is #24 - that's how many hours of the day I'm picking up my phone if she's calling me! Montre-all in on this cutie.

#6 - Marc Hagan Militia

The only rookie on this list, but Marc Hagan seems to be an experienced heartthrob. That's 3 in a row for the Militia, who are making a nice case for the hottest team in the whole darn league. Guess I'm gonna have to brush up on my french and head up to Montreal! Hagan has a Strength in Scoring and I'm hoping that he puts that to good use if he's ever around my neck of the woods. [editors note: I don't personally see it with Mike Fisher, but I'm a straight dude so I'm not really the right judge for this. He's married to Carrie Underwood and she's a smoke so if she sees it then I'll buy it, I suppose].

#5 - Collin Gibbles Outlaws

Collin can Gibble Gobble me up any day of the week. He better wear a strong cage to protect that beautiful beard of his. The only thing that should be Outlawed is how hot this dude is, sheesh! I'm allin on Collin. I'm gonna need the anaHeim-lich maneuver to relieve some of these butterflies in my stomach I'm feeling.

#4 - Oliver Klozoff Militia

[Image: ef1bc490330d46a4b33683d5bf5967df44a8f003...fc5b14.jpg]

I mean, the puns write themselves on this one, no? All of my clothes off, get it? I mean, I'm down. Aptly named. He's a 77 Defense stat but I hope he lets me get through. This seals it, btw - I'm heading to Montreal for a "scouting" trip. I hope he's got a stifler in his pants for me.

#3 - Vivian Leblanc Knights

[Image: mallory-pugh-soccer.jpg?quality=88&w=750]

Finally, a goalie on the list. I hope her blockers are down when I'm around. Sticks aside Viv, we won't have any need for those when we get together. I'd like to spend a Knight with her! She just earned a shutout against Anchorage in the new season but she better let me score. I like that she's a butterfly style goalie - she'll be used to spreading those legs when it's time.

#2 - Eddy Ask Jr. Whalers

[Image: Sexy-Pictures-Henrik-Lundqvist.jpg]

Back to back goalies! I see he's got high grades in hand speed. I'd like to put that to the test, if you know what I mean. Consent is essential to any sexual encounter, so I hope Eddy Asks me first (the answer is yes). His weakness is size so that may be an issue lol. Nonetheless, I'd like to get the chance to meet Eddy Ask Jr. Jr. As another butterfly goalie, he's used to dropping down to his knees. I'd be happy to return the favor.

#1 - Max Rockatansky Outlaws

[Image: 0722-feat-erik-gudbranson-2-jpg.jpg?w=37...&strip=all]

Max Rockatansky is a Max Rocket and that's no joke. This man-missile has got me blasting off, if you know what I mean. He can center this line any day he chooses. His Defense stat is a 69 so let's hope that's his preferred way to go about things. Has a strength in skating but let's hope he doesn't just blow by me.

And that rounds up the SMJHL S46 smokeshow recap. Til next time, this has been Alexis Flexis, your source on man-rockets and dime pieces.

[editor's note: man oh man I hope some other people find this funny cuz otherwise I just spent a much longer time than I ever thought I would looking up which hockey players are the hot ones]