The Halifax Raiders are starting to look more vulnerable, as they’ve lost 4 of their last 6 games. Luckily, two of those losses were shootout losses so the Raiders have been able to keep stockpiling points. We asked Andrej Doskocil about their shootout woes and he said “I like the idea of the shootout because it distributes the points equally and I’m all for that”. We aren’t sure if he’s actually familiar with the point rules but we didn’t want to correct him. We did some investigatory work on the defenseman, and found that he has a copy of The Communist Manifesto in his locker. When pressed about it, Doskocil stated “I may or may not have a copy of Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto, but what about Jax Duggan? He is profiting off of the dirty capitalist pornographic market. What about Nikolai Evans?”
“...well what about Nikolai Evans, Andrej? Do you know something that we don’t know?”
“Yes. A very deep dark secret, I know things that you wish you knew. Write this down fellas, Nikolai Evans...is...Russian”
A deep gasp flooded the room of journalists who proceeded to scramble out of the room to tell their editors about the breaking news. Everybody knows that Russian is a synonym for communist and that’s something you just can’t have in an upstanding community like Montreal. Some editors have been stunned by this news, while any editor who watched the WJC is almost apoplectic that their sportswriters hadn’t figured out that Nikolai Evans, who played on Team Russia, and whose father is also Russian, was a Russian. Such is life in post-20th-century journalism.
But we here at the Halifax Gazette are dedicated to real journalism and knew that Nikolai Evans was a Russian. Andrej Doskocil played the oldest trick in the communist playbook and utilized whataboutism. It was a good trick that got most of the Toronto media out of the room since they were shocked to learn anything about a player outside of Ontario. Hell, even the reporters from Kelowna who wanted to ask about the Raiders getting brutalized by the Knights had to leave. Since we are dedicated to real journalism, we’ve decided to do some digging on many of Halifax’s bright young prospects. But if you want to continue loving these guys, I’d suggest you exit this article.
Mike McKorsy happens to be the best chef out of the Halifax locker room, but how you ever stopped to look at what his food is made of? It’s mostly made of beef and pork and other yummy meats like that. Did you really think we’d find dirt on McKorsy? The wildest thing about him is that he willingly steps in front of 98 mph slap shots and enjoys it.
Now Perry Morgan has been said to be a good kid. Supposedly innocent, and was allegedly corrupted by the former troublemaker Troy Reynolds. But that’s not the full story. We asked around Perry Morgan’s hometown, and the residents there have a different side of Perry that we didn’t know of. His neighbors, the Clarks, had numerous stories about Perry as a young lad. “Perry fookin Morgan is a nuisance. Every week, he ran around naked covered in a fucking Manchester City flag. That little bastard knows we support Man U and I had half a mind to bust him over the head with a cane”. The manager at the local movie theater also stated that Perry “DOESN’T FUCKING RESPECT QUEUES” and seemed eager to talk about anyone else. From a Canadian perspective, these Brits are very irritable about small things. Maybe Perry isn’t that bad, but he does still run around naked, draped in Great Britain’s flag every Thursday and every other Saturday.
We also found out some details on Jimmy Slothface. First of all, we’d like to remind everyone that Jimmy Slothface may have assisted Matt Kholin in disposing of Sasha Zubovova’s body. And contrary to Dan Curry’s comments, Sasha Zubovova is very dead. She has been dead for an entire season. Jimmy has more troubles than that on his mind though, considering how he seems incapable of any form of consistent scoring. We decided to do some investigating on the claim that Jax Duggan poisoned his pizza. We pulled some security tape and found that Duggan was at the pizza parlor, wearing an evil old timey mustache to twirl for no good reason, but he did not poison the pizza. We have found that Slothface was never even sick. There has been no doctor’s note, we asked the Raiders team doctor who said that Jimmy never ran a fever or anything. The Raiders forward may have been faking the illness to cover up for his lack of production. He did recover pretty quickly after scoring that goal, now that we think about it.
Matt Kholin has a laundry list of alleged crimes. It’s not even a matter of digging up dirt, it’s a matter of seeing what is significant enough to mention. First of all, Matt Kholin may have murdered Sasha Zubovova. The charges were dropped, but that smells of a police department paid off or not wanting to arrest the Raiders’ golden boy. Secondly, Matt Kholin was involved in the bar brawl with his teammates and the Smebs, and he was once again spotted with a Russian woman named Natalia. If it weren’t for Sophia Miacova being supremely pissed and telling Natalia that Matt murders Russians, we could be talking about a higher body count. And if you go to Matt’s hometown, they will not discuss his off-the-ice controversies. It’s almost eerie how they try to avoid the line of questioning. They will only address his play on the ice, and if you attempt to even ask about how he was in school, they look like they’ve seen a ghost. Who knows what else Matt Kholin has done, quite frankly we’re too afraid to find out.
All we could find while digging on Gaspard Boone is that he has an odd love for Avril Lavigne, while maintaining that the real Avril died in 2006 and was replaced with a doppelganger. We’ll get to asking Gaspard about Tower 7 next week.
Captain Dom Montgomery is a saint. We found nothing on him. He just likes fishing and being a mentor and I thought we’d at least find out a fetish or something still a little eyebrow raising, but no.
We’ve spared the numerous rookies on the Raiders because we learned from our mistakes last season that prying into the lives of rookies can alienate them from the media. We acknowledge our mistakes and hope to improve on that front. That being said, the reason we made that change is Troy Reynolds, and digging into his history is a nightmare. The good guy you all think he’s turned into is just a ruse. Let us get started.
Let’s start with his days before the SMJHL. Troy Reynolds did not live the life he says he did. He says that Manitowoc was a corrupt pile of trash, that was mired with horrific crimes, such as jaywalking and littering. We asked officer White at MPD about these allegations, and he had some interesting things to say about Reynolds. “Don’t get me started on that scumbag. First off, do we all agree that Troy Reynolds is a fuckin toolbox? For god’s sake, I don’t give a shit about people jaywalking as long as they don’t get fuckin domed by an SUV. I look out for it, and this town does a good job of avoiding decapitation via Ford F-150. He’s the only little prick who cared about it and always came crying about Mrs. Davidson jaywalking and that’s just because she had a nice rack and he wanted to get her attention. And he’s the one who was fucking littering too. I’m glad Halifax gets to deal with his shit now.”
His reputation in Manitowoc is very confusing, because everyone agrees he has next level skill, but he caused havoc for much of his adolescence. Allegedly, Reynolds was the person spotted at almost every high school party, whether he was invited or not. He’d show up, smoke pot and drink almost toxic levels of alcohol. Now that sounds like a normal stupid high school thing to do, but as he grew older, he drifted into harder stuff. Former classmate Bret Harmon says “Troy really got into some bad shit when he was a junior. One time in class he crushed up some Smarties and snorted them. Then he did it with Sweettarts. Then he combined the two. It was scary stuff, I feared for his life. Luckily when he went up to Halifax he slowed down and just did some cocaine instead.”
These incidents along with his abrasive personality and character concerns with his high school teammates caused Reynolds to drop to the 6th round. Once in Halifax, well his incidents have been well documented. He was an absolute menace, but seemingly changed his ways and his behavior after a fishing trip with Dom Montgomery. Yes, he has stopped trash talking...mostly. Yes, he does seem less neurotic and less aggressive. But he isn’t an angel.
We’ve investigated Reynolds over the past few weeks and have reason to believe that Troy is falling back into his old ways. More late nights at the bar, luckily with Sophia so that he could be driven home. We aren’t Troy’s babysitter so it’s not the drinking that’s got us up in arms. But we all know that Sophia isn’t there to be a designated driver, she’s there to make sure he isn’t fooling around with bar skanks. So we decided to do undercover work at the bars of Halifax’s opponents when Reynolds and company come to town without his Ukrainian lady’s supervision. The real surprise here is that Reynolds is not cheating. But, he is encouraging rookies to purchase not only prostitutes, but also said “if they’re Russian, send em to Matt”. He has also been spotted in alleyways with unsavory figures, presumably purchasing narcotics and other drug paraphernalia. Even worse, we tapped into Troy’s phone and found a Nickelback song in his library.
Troy Reynolds is still the same man he was last season, he just hides it well. We reached out to him with our findings and he was less than pleased.
“Okay...first of all, that cop is an asshole. Secondly, did I just read that you tapped into my phone? That’s fucking illegal. I thought we were on good terms, why the fuck would you tap into my phone? And like, the worst thing is I try to help the rookies get laid. NOT EVERY WOMAN AT A BAR IS A PROSTITUTE! If Joseph wants to get his Laraques off, he should be able to try get some from a random bar chick. Not a random bar “skank”, you offensive dicks. And that Nickelback claim is bullshit, I wouldn’t be caught dead listening to them. Check your facts, this is all sensationalized and almost entirely false. Except that part with the Smarties and Sweettarts. That was a dark time in my life.”
We stand by our reporting, but would also like to state that Reynolds did not deny the alleged quote about sending Russians to Matt Kholin. Just putting it out there, Troy may be tied to the murders too. He also may not be. It’s safe to assume he is.
03-06-2019, 08:31 PMOtrebor13 Wrote: Agreed. Pretty incredible that he's able to post a 2k-3k article every day lol. Gonna be stacked on cash (if he's not already)
You wanna rob him and split the cash?
That doesn't sound like a bad idea. If you'd like to discuss how we'd go about this, you know where to find me
03-06-2019, 08:31 PMOtrebor13 Wrote: Agreed. Pretty incredible that he's able to post a 2k-3k article every day lol. Gonna be stacked on cash (if he's not already)
You wanna rob him and split the cash?
Theo definitely needs the money, Ill help out and give him my cut, I just wanna do it on principle, we can all wear Falcons jerseys and "scree" the whole time
03-06-2019, 10:18 PMslothfacekilla Wrote: You wanna rob him and split the cash?
Theo definitely needs the money, Ill help out and give him my cut, I just wanna do it on principle, we can all wear Falcons jerseys and "scree" the whole time
I'll just gain it back within like a week anyway, go for it.
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