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Leoben · 02-23-2020, 11:28 AM

2800 words, ready for grading

So every team has their own mascot, colors, fight songs, and superstitions. But every team does not have their own official movie. Well that changes now. However, I did have to come up with some guidelines, or rules, when compiling this list. Some teams were very easy to assign movies to as they have had many movies set in their cities. Some of these teams are in small areas and don’t have a lot of media set there. So the main ground rules are:

1. I have to have seen the movie or a majority of the movie (sorry, I wouldn’t finish Yoga Hosers)

2. I had to try and find a movie that was actually set or based in the location.

3. If I couldn’t find something set there, I’d expand it to the greater Metro area (West Kendall-Miami)

4. If I still had no luck, I would settle for a movie being filmed or partially filmed in that location

5. Canadian Bacon showed up on a lot of my research but I have never seen it so I couldn’t use it.

So now that we have our guidelines set, allow me to show you all what your official team movies are.

Buffalo Stampede
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Bruce Almighty
[Image: BruceAlmighty_poster.jpg]

I have not seen this movie since it first came to DVD but I guess Jim Carey takes over as God from Morgan Freeman because he thinks he can do it better. There is also a giant cookie in there somewhere and he makes Jennifer Aniston’s chest area get bigger. This movie isn’t even twenty years old and that wouldn’t fly in today’s culture. I’m not sure if this was good or bad or just a typical Jim Carey movie for the time. It was fine I guess. Just like Buffalo.

Chicago Syndicate

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

This is a fantastic movie. It’s one of the timeless ones that I can watch whenever it is on, even if it’s halfway over. Mia Sara was probably my first childhood crush (I didn’t see the movie until much later). There’s a new take going around that Ferris is an asshole and while there Is a strong case, I think we all knew someone like him or similar to him. His sister hated him because he got away with murder and his principal hated him for mostly the same reason. Yea, he’s probably in prison now or at your local bar talking about the glory days but at the time he was a legend. Cameron is much more relatable to me though. Weird fact about this movie is that the actor who played the principal ended up being a pedo or something. Sad. So Chicago gets one of the most iconic movies from the 80s.

Hamilton Steelhawks
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Detroit Rock City

This one was hard. I had a hard time pinpointing anything for Hamilton but I guess part of this was filmed there. Even if it is set in Ohio and Detroit, Hamilton gets it. When you ask why I didn’t use it for Detroit my answer is because Detroit gets something else. Anyway, this was a fun movie back in the day. Four idiots win KISS tickets and despite their best efforts to miss the concert they still manage to get there. There’s lots of tomfoolery along the way but this is worth the watch if you haven’t seen it at least once.

Manhattan Rage

Wolf of Wall Street

There were hundreds to choose from but this is one of my favorites. A lot of people think this celebrates being rich and obnoxious and doing what everyone in this movie does, especially when the consequences are so light or non-existent, but I think Marty is saying something else here. I don’t think we are supposed to celebrate or want to be like these people. It also lacks empathy so you don’t really see what happens to the people they rip off. It’s all by design. Anyway, great movie.

New England Wolfpack
[Image: newwolfpack.png]

Outside Providence

I had tons of options here but went with something a little different. This movie is very funny even when it doesn’t appear to by trying. The cast is amazing and the jokes keep coming. From the little brother pretending to my mentally handicapped to get into a football game, to having a friend named Drugs, to pretending your bong is a horn to hide it from your parents, everything about this movie still cracks me up. Good soundtrack too. Check it out if you have the chance.

Tampa Bay Barracuda

The Punisher

This was way harder than I thought it would be. But I couldn’t find anything really good for either Florida team. And this version of the Punisher is not very good. Don’t get me wrong, Thomas Jane is the best Punisher, as much as I like Jon Bernthal I just like Thomas Jane more (check out Dirty Laundry on Youtube now!). This was one of the crappier Marvel movies before the Infinity Saga. Daredevil was a year prior and they bastardized that pretty bad too. Anyway, his family dies and he goes on a killing spree or something. I have only watched it once. Soundtrack was alright I think.

Toronto North Stars
[Image: Toronto.png]

The Fly

This one was tough too but I guess parts of it were either set or filmed in Toronto. I also haven’t seen all of it but Jeff Goldblum turns into a bug while Geena Davis looks on in horror. The effects were really cool for the time and it’s still a creepy and gross movie to watch. They should probably try remake this today but they’d probably make Melissa McCarthy the person who turns into the fly this time, and make her say funny things.

West Kendall/Miami
[Image: WestKendall.png]

Red Eye

I had to break a few rules for this one. But Red Eye is pretty damn good. It’s a Wes Craven movie but it doesn’t follow the usual rules. I wouldn’t even call it scary, just very intense. Just imagine chatting someone up in an airport lounge. Some nice flirting going on and then it’s time to get on the flight. Well what if that same person you were flirting with was sitting beside you on the flight? “Oh my, very exciting. It must be fate!” WRONG! RUN!

Calgary Dragons

Interstellar
[Image: Interstellar_film_poster.jpg]

I had to break more rules for this one but I guess parts of it were filmed in Calgary. I guess it looks a lot like space and black holes up in Alberta. I’ve never been but it sounds nice. This one seems to be either loved or hated, very little room in the middle. I guess it’s a perfect fit for the Dragons then. Anyway, this guy goes into space with some other scientists to go through a black hole to find a place to live. When he comes home his daughter is old enough to be his grandma so he goes back out again. There are a lot of organs in the movie which really add a layer to the silence in space. I love the movie but I get why people have problems with it.

Edmonton Blizzard
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Bridge to Terabithia
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[Image: 220px-Bridgetoterabithiaposter.jpg]

So this is the movie from the 80s, which I haven’t seen. I have seen the one from the 2000s though. I guess the one from the 80s had scenes filmed in Edmonton. But I’ll summarize the one from the 2000s. I can assume they are the same and based off the same book. Peeta from the Hunger Games meets the one armed surfer before she lost her arm. Peeta is having a hard time in school and running track because his shoes suck. He meets the surfer and things start going well for him. Things are going so well that apparently the writer started reading Cormac McCarthy books halfway through and decided she hated everything. So Peeta comes back from seeing an art show with his very young and moderately hot teacher (not inappropriate at all), and his parents are all like “Hey we have bad news about your friend!” “What, did she have her arm bitten off by a shark?” “No, she dead.” “Oh, that sucks. Hey sis, wanna go to Terabithia and cross the same river where my friend just drown?”

Los Angeles Panthers
[Image: LosAngeles.png]

Collateral

When I think of Los Angeles movies this is honestly the first one that comes to mind. I love everything about this movie. It’s not perfect but it has the right amount of everything for me. Tom Cruise looks menacing with blonde hair and he’s downright scary in this. Jamie Foxx manages to portray an average Joe taxi driver convincingly. The music is great, perfect use of Audioslave. Michael Mann is one of my favorite directors and this is one of the last movies where he was fully on point.

Minnesota Chiefs
[Image: Minnesota.png]

Angus

This is another one I can’t remember a lot about but it was the mid 90s and it wasn’t okay to be overweight. People picked on you for it and it could get pretty bad. I’m honestly not sure if that’s what this movie is about or not? But the kid’s name is Angus for fuck’s sake what did you think would happen? But it also has the girl from Jurassic Park and Sherman from American Pie so that’s pretty cool. I don’t remember much else about this but it was the first time I ever heard Green Day and that actually changed my life.

New Orleans Specters

The Skeleton Key

Sorry New Orleans, you really do deserve better. I watched this one on like a five inch screen on a portable DVD player in the middle east or on a plane. I just remember Kate Hudson has a key that opens many doors (it’s in the title). I can’t remember if she dies or goes crazy at the end or just goes for a donut. Skip it. Sorry New Orleans, my options were limited here. But it’s your movie now. Embrace it.

San Francisco Pride

Inside Out
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This is the best Pixar film for my money. I love all the Toy Story movies but this one takes the cake. If only life could be filed down to five emotions or feelings things would be so much easier. But all five of them have a place. It’s not okay to be just one thing all the time and when we try to be, our wiring gets screwy. It’s a good message for a kids movie especially with all the mental health shit today.

Texas Renegades
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Dazed and Confused
[Image: Dazed_and_Confused_%281993%29_poster.jpg]

I had some great choices for Texas but I have to go with this classic. This is another one I can watch any time, no matter what point of the movie it is in. Some of it has aged poorly but this is a decent depiction of some American high schools, and some of it does hold up. Aside from being accurate or not, it’s just a great movie with a great soundtrack. It’s one of the weird ones that is a 90s movie about kids in the 70s. It really fits that niche. Not too many movies like it. It has that same feel as Over the Edge, which actually was done in 70s.

Winnipeg Jets
[Image: Winnipeg.png]

Yoga Hosers

I never finished this one. This was pre-heart attack Kevin Smith and I’m not sure what he was thinking when he made this. To think he almost died and this would have been his last piece of work is pretty scary. Anyway it has his daughter and Johnny Depp’s daughter and they kill evil sausages with hockey sticks. It has Johnny Depp in it too playing the same guy he played in Tusk. This was just bad though.

Anaheim Outlaws
[Image: Outlaws2.png]

Angels in the Outfield

Angels help the baseball team win the Pennant. I had no idea what a Pennant was when I saw this movie. I’m not even from America. I thought it was some jewel pendant that they were competing for. This guy prays for his team to win. I actually did the same thing back in 2018 and the Capitals won the Stanley Cup. So you’re welcome fellow Caps fans.

Anchorage Armada
[Image: Anchorage.png]

The Grey

I couldn’t find anything specifically for Anchorage but this movie is worth a watch. Wolves hijack a plan with a bunch of oil drillers on it and then the wolves start hunting the oil drillers. Liam Neeson is part wolf or something so he starts to fight them. This was a prequel to Underworld.

Carolina Kraken
[Image: SMJHL-Kraken.png]

Logan Lucky
[Image: Logan_Lucky.png]

This movie is funny as shit. Channing Tatum and his brother Kylo Ren rob Charlotte Motor Speedway with James Bond. I really can’t describe this one. It’s just really good and really funny and I can’t believe it took me almost three years to get around to watching it.

Colorado Raptors
[Image: Colorado.png]

The Shining

I actually stayed at the hotel where Stephen King wrote the book. The movie was filmed elsewhere but based in the Rockies. Jack Nicholson gets mad at his annoying wife and tries to kill her and his son. We’ve all been there right? It’s not scary in the typical sense but everything about it is uncomfortable. Kubrick was really good with stuff like that.

Detroit Falcons

The Crow

Another of my all-time favorites but I wonder if it would be remembered half as much had Brandon Lee not died on set? I would like to think so. This guy and his girlfriend die and he comes back from the dead to get vengeance. It’s like the Punisher with cool makeup and a better soundtrack. It spawned tons of terrible sequels and one really amazing wrestling gimmick, and it holds a special place in many hearts almost thirty years later, mine included. Watch it at least once.

Halifax Raiders

Goon

This movie was a pleasant surprise. I saw a poster once and thought it was just going to be Stifler playing hockey but I’m glad I was wrong. I could not find anything else to watch one day so I put this on while feeding my baby daughter. It became one of my favorites immediately. The sequel is good too but not as good as the first. All the characters are great and some of them remind of me of current SHLers. I’m not sure if that’s their intention since anyone can be who they want online, except a boomer, but it’s funny all the same.

Kelowna Knights
[Image: SMJHL-Knights2.png]

Fido

I had to really stretch the rules here. I think I have seen Fido but it has definitely been a while. I think I liked it. I’m not going to pretend to remember anything else about it. Shaun of the Dead meets Warm Bodies with domesticated zombies maybe?

Newfoundland Berserkers
[Image: SMJHL-Berserkers.png]

Titanic

I guess the final resting place of the ship is close enough to Newfoundland right? This movie is a classic. I think it was in movie theaters for a total of twenty years before it was released on VHS. Anyway, these two people meet and fall in love. He paints her naked and the run around on a cruise ship screwing like bunnies and spitting into the ocean. But, plot twist? They’re on the Titanic. It sinks. She lives. He dies. Then the stupid bitch throws the jewel into the ocean, the same God damn one that THEY WERE ON THE ENTIRE EXPEDITION TO FIND and she fucking dies.

St. Louis Scarecrows

The Game of their Lives

Some of this was in St. Louis and a lot of St. Louis soccer players were in this game. The United States soccer team defeats the English in a World Cup game in the 50s and they’re still talking about it because they haven’t done shit since.

Vancouver Whalers
[Image: Vancouver.png]

Creed II

So a lot of stuff is filmed in Vancouver but I had trouble finding anything based there. I’m pretty sure Creed II wasn’t based there either but I have no idea what was. But Creed II showed up. Anyway it’s the sequel to Creed about Apollo’s son. He fights the son of the guy who killed his daddy. It’s not as good as Creed but still pretty good. Rocky Balboa, Creed, and Creed II work as their own nice little trilogy really. I love all the movies though, even Rocky V where he got in a totally illegal street fight with Tommy Gunn.

This was harder than I thought it would be but I hope every team is content with their official movie. If something looks off, do not PM me or post corrections in this thread. Let your GMs knows and they will get in touch with the updaters or I have been told you can directly notify Head Office of any issues that appear here.

**_Blitz_** · 02-23-2020, 11:51 AM

Interesting list, and fun reading.

Thank you for putting some respect on "Logan Lucky". It's one of my favorite movies, and for as much money as was spent on it, not enough people know about it.
My only additions to your pitch would be to point out Kylo Ren and Channing Tatum's sister is Elvis Presley's granddaughter, and Seth MacFarlane gets punched in the face.

I disagree with you on "Inside Out". While it's a good movie and raises some interesting ideas and interpretations of it's themes, I don't think it's better than "Up" or "Toy Story". I actually enjoy "Brave" a bit better as well, but I think it has to do with where I was in my life when "Inside Out" was released. It hit a bit too hard, and not just with the Triple Dent Gum jingle.

I've never seen or heard of "Angus" or "The Game of Our Lives". I'll add them to my list. Thanks for the recommendations.

*Leppish* · 02-23-2020, 12:07 PM

No Die Hard for LA? SMH

bana · 02-23-2020, 01:09 PM

Cool idea, oi.

Grapehead · 02-23-2020, 04:41 PM

Approve

DeletedAtUserRequest · 02-23-2020, 04:43 PM

Interstellar... def could be worse.

+1

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karlssens · 02-23-2020, 11:36 PM

@SlashACM come live with me riley

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