(Words: something like 3040 (according to the site its 6992 words so if you want to pay me based on that, I would not be mad) for that sweet sweet double media bonus, and maybe even a research bonus for the very in-depth research. I had multiple tabs open. Muplitple!)

Good day to you, Whaler faithful. It is I, your Keyboard Warrior bringing you some off-season reporting, because who doesn’t want to earn that sweet sweet double media pay-out? With the International Ice Hockey Federation tournament about to begin, I found myself with a little extra time on my hands, and so I am bringing you a scouting report of the seven Whaler prospects that are eligible to be drafted into the SHL. What an exciting time for these young players, and the variously aged individuals behind the screens that are in charge of them, like dark puppet-masters pulling binary strings to make us all dance for them. What a truly dystopian existence we live inside this simulation of ours. I remember sitting around drinking with Luffy when he became eligible, only for the disappointment to dawn on him that sitting around drinking and eating cold sandwiches is not the way to get drafted. And thus, he lit a fire under himself, literally, and we have not looked back since. Let us take a look at the Whaler prospects, and see how their seasons, TPE, and locker-room presence might make them juicy little treasures to be plucked from the tree that is the Simulated Major Junior Hockey League. That metaphor isn’t forced at all. Nope. 




My intention with this is not to guess when these players and prospects will be taken, but to give an inside view of them, a real close exposure, and not at all a cheap cash grab. I will display their stats, and give an idea of the reliability of their earning potential. The management of the Vancouver Whalers should be given a lot of credit for the Whalers of this draft class. All have huge potential, and are probably only going to slide due to the role of their players, and not the true talent at the electronic heart of these beautiful people. 

Forwards

Okay, let us start with the fresh-faced forwards that helped spur the Whalers to the play-offs. There are some interesting characters here, so don’t be shy, and say hello to them. 

Center - Dee Centerman IV: TPE—290 
GP G A P +/- PIM PPG PPA PPP SHG SHA SHP SOG
50 2 9 11 4 48 0 0 0 0 1 1 50

SH% FT FW Hits GvA TkA SB TOI PPTOI SHTOI
4.00% 0 0 52 26 26 28 16:57 0:04 2:23

As we can see here, Dee Centerman, fourth of his name, chipped in eleven points for the Whalers, whose lack of center flexibility is becoming evident in the off-season, my words for the sake of more words. He also chipped in on the penalty kill, and I don’t see how that could disappoint anyone looking for a promising center. And there is a lot of promise here. His TPE at season end was two-hundred and ninety, which shows a hard-working, and sexy if the rumors in the locker-room are to be believed, the person behind the player. In truth, he has three-hundred and five PTE which means he is only forty-five tpe from maxing out next season. He will be in a prime position to be a top earner, and keep pace with the top of his class, with plenty of cash in the bank. Dee is also a re-create meaning he is a known quantity around the league. I can’t help but think he will be a first-rounder, but if he isn’t taken by the second round, I will eat my tie! A great presence in the locker-room, and a big piece in the Whalers plans for a cup, there should be many an eye on Dee Centerman. Of course, Dee has also made it clear that he does what he wants and that if people are interested in him they better suck eggs and kick rocks. Only a madman can truly tell what Machiavellian machinations turn inside that byzantine mind of his. I wouldn’t be surprised if he took his signing bonus and ran for the hills to live as a simple shepherd. This is all speculation and not stuff he may or may not have posted places, that sexy bastard. Also possibly the best-dressed player in the league. He is like the prom king who ditched prom to help homeless hedgehogs get off the sauce. Whatever the hell that means. 

Left Wing - Valtterri Kauppinen: TPE—288 
GP G A P +/- PIM PPG PPA PPP SHG SHA SHP SOG
50 8 5 13 -9 20 0 1 1 0 0 0 72

SH% FT FW Hits GvA TkA SB TOI PPTOI SHTOI
11:11% 0 0 28 27 6 29 13:38 1:11 0.02

Val had some nice numbers for the Whalers last season, and they only expect him to produce more with a full season of experience under his belt. A new face in the Simulated Hockey League, he has proven to be a reliable earner, who is eager to keep pace with his draft class. IN the locker-room, he is a pure joy to have and can always be relied upon to be himself, meshing with the varied personalities that come together in our weird little corner of cyberspace. I can say that because I know that we are in a simulation and I’ve broken the fourth-wall so much the league has started charging me to repair it. His offense presence would be desired on any number of goal starved teams, and once he has been given a little more time to season in the marinade that is the Simulation Major Junior Hockey League, they may prove to be an injection of offensive potency so powerful, Uma Thurman would start jumping up and dancing just by the sight of them. That reference totally works, guys. No need to think too hard about it. Going forward, the Whalers will rely on their shoot-first mentality, and that is an aggressive quality the Simulation Hockey League should take a look at. Val should be a top pick, and if he slides, well then madness has taken over all of you.

Center - Rikki Petrov: TPE—286

GP G A P +/- PIM PPG PPA PPP SHG SHA SHP SOG
50 4 13 17 -9 12 0 1 1 0 1 1 38

SH% FT FW Hits GvA TkA SB TOI PPTOI SHTOI
10:53% 0 0 31 10 9 30 14:29 1:11 0:43

Petrov, next in line, a name you have all probably heard before. This is probably due to the fact that there are nine-thousand Petrovs in this draft class. I wonder if they are all related, or if the psychics the Simulation Hockey League bigwigs go to felt good things about Eastern European players named Petrov. In any case, Rikki is a special individual, and a re-create to boot, meaning he is a known variable in the mathematical stew that we have cooked up here on the world wide web. He was an assist machine with decent ice time, and an ability to score on both ends of the  specialty team scale. He has a good amount of TPE already, and before the season starts he will be sitting close to three-hundred, or maybe even over, making a cap of three-fifty within easy reach for his sophomore season. Steady growth, and a history of hard work will make him a shiny penny in the eyes of the general managers, looking to save for the future. 
 
Right Wing - Markleesio Hopscotch: TPE—187

GP G A P +/- PIM PPG PPA PPP SHG SHA SHP SOG
30 3 3 6 -2 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 17

SH% FT FW Hits GvA TkA SB TOI PPTOI SHTOI
17.65% 0 0 5 5 2 6 8:02 0:00 0:09

Now here is an interesting prospect that I think deserves some attention. Hopscotch was a late create, but a pure joy to engage with. He made an impact on the Whalers immediately, even if he has a little ways to go in the TPE department. But as we all know, and as Luffy Richard has proven, so judging this young player there would be a fool-hardy mistake. He played a little more than half a season, and the Whalers are hoping for good things out of him in his first full season with the club. I don’t know if a team will take a risk on him this draft, but with a solid full season behind him, there could be a bright future for this first generation player. The league might want to keep an eye on his progress. I know I will, and I am a poorly paid reporter who does not have the weight of a franchise’s success on my shoulders. You general managers might want to hit the gym with all this going on, and you can put that in your pocket—that’s a promise. That’s a great reference, I’m kind of proud of that one. You are welcome graders reading this.   

Defense-persons

Now we are on to the defensive corp of the Vancouver Whalers. What a wonderful group of electronic beings the higher-ups have gathered to guard our blue-line, and slap our shots. Let us take a look, and see if what gems are tucked away in the Vancouver locker-room.

Left Defense - Sarah Burke: TPE—302
GP G A P +/- PIM PPG PPA PPP SHG SHA SHP SOG
50 4 9 13 4 10 0 0 0 1 1 2 54

SH% FT FW Hits GvA TkA SB TOI PPTOI SHTOI
7.41% 0 0 36 12 21 35 16:55 0.06 1:55

One of the most sought after blue-liners in this upcoming draft, according to the rumors I just made up in my head because I have no contacts within any of the locker-rooms because I am a terrible reporter, Sarah Burke was a stalwart for the Whalers—a true bulwark. Sarah was able to put up points as well as have some solid defensive stats, while eating up a good amount of time on the ice. Sarah is going to be a first rounder, and will cap out before many of the other defensive prospects in this class. Snagging Sarah was a stroke of genius that will continue to pay dividends for the Vancouver Whalers. I know many a general manager are licking their chops at the prospect of drafting this prospect. Not only is Sarah great on the ice, they are an active and welcome voice within the locker-room, providing many an owl-like wisdom, solemnity, and the ability to swallow opponents bones and all. This is a beast of the blue-line, a true earner, and someone you can set your watch too. If I actually knew anything about hockey, I could probably talk about this prospect for enough money to never have to do media ever ever ever again. I mean that, that is three times ever worth of awesome that Sarah brings immediately everywhere Sarah goes.  

Right Wing - KnockedOut ByOvechkin: TPE—303
GP G A P +/- PIM PPG PPA PPP SHG SHA SHP SOG
50 4 4 8 0 10 0 0 0 1 0 1 39

SH% FT FW Hits GvA TkA SB TOI PPTOI SHTOI
10.26% 0 0 24 7 9 57 8:42 0:04 0:20

If we are going to talk about defensive heavyweights, then go no further than the mighty KOBO, king of the people who have claimed to be knocked out by Russian players that exist in a physical realm that we are not really privy to unless we start simming against National Hockey League teams. KOBO is a player itching for more ice time, and I’m sure general managers would love to have more tape on this kid, but he was a solid contributor who made every moment on the ice count, while also keeping his penalty minutes down. He has been earning at a steady rate and will cap-out his sophomore season where he will be expected to eat up more time, and provide an offensive threat. With a strong corp of defensive players, young and hungry, KOBO is here to prove that they are what Simulation Hockey League general managers need on the blue line. It will be interesting to see if KOBO and Sarah go early in the first round, and how these Vancouver Whaler standouts will make noise as their future in the league progresses. I’m sure he will be—wait for it—a knock-out. I think I should get triple media for that line alone. 
 
Left Defense - Zebulon Leavitt: TPE—278 
GP G A P +/- PIM PPG PPA PPP SHG SHA SHP SOG
50 1 8 9 0 41 0 0 0 0 0 0 44

SH% FT FW Hits GvA TkA SB TOI PPTOI SHTOI
2.27% 3 0 98 22 13 64 16:56 0:03 1:57

Zeb is a great, wonderful, somewhat wholesome, sometimes that uncle that tells dirty jokes that go over your head, and definitely an exciting prospect that has made himself known in his first season as a Vancouver Whaler. Look at all that ice time he ate up this season! Don’t look at that shooting percentage, sometimes the Simulation is unkind for no other reason than it has a fire ant in its USB port. Though lower in TPE than Sarah and KOBO, he is a solid individual, and someone you can rely upon. He helped inject some gravitas into the Vancouver locker-room which kept everyone steady when the team hit its lowest point early in the season. There is room for growth here, but that is true of all the rookies who are prospects in this draft. He certainly has more upside than say, a Luffy Richard. He could be a late steal or an early gamble. How the draft gods roll the dice is anyone’s guess, but I don’t think there is a chance he will linger in the stands for long. Especially if you are looking for someone to crush your opponents into a nothingness so nothing the dictionary entry for that word is a blank page. Yeah, that’s some twilight zone shit right there.

Conclusion 

Three of these whalers are fringe first rounders, with another three being highly sought after (even though one of those is an eccentric madman who is too good looking for their own good). 
Anyone who watched the Vancouver Whalers this season has to understand this rookie class was picked with a specific goal in mind—winning a cup. The faith management put into these virtual kids was massive, and a guy like William Hartmann even saw the chance to run for another cup as the season progressed and these players matured. The success and dominance of the late season Vancouver Whalers has a direct correlation with the new energy injected into the sickly body of the Whalers, turning them into a hyperactive winning machine that steamrolled their way through the first round before succumbing in the second. If the season had started off as strong as it had finished, these prospects would have stats that would make the madams of olde Paris blush. I believe the Simulation Hockey League general managers have recognized that, and are banking on the strong efforts put forth in the Genesis of their careers because by the end, they might all be the revelations some teams need to reach the zenith of Simulated glory. By nabbing Whaler top prospects, prospects researched and vetted by an experienced general management team that has had success in the past, and plans to have more success in the near future, and these are the future stars they have choses to build that future with. They have made the jobs of drafting teams so much easier, and honestly I’m surprised, as a veteran and totally legit reporter, that the head office in Vancouver isn’t receiving, like, baskets of exotic fruit and endangered animals as pets. These players have been presented on a silver platter. All they have to do is draft, sign, and watch them grow in the J. They’re not the high risk prospects of yester-season such as my roommate, and person who does not wash dishes, Luffy Richard. These are safe picks that will help any roster who has a clear idea of what their role and path to success is. Vancouver has molded a team around the tools it has grown, and not forced circles into squares or made fish try to climb trees and then called that fish a failure for not being able to climb a tree. Honestly, I have high hopes for these prospects and I eagerly await to see where they will go in the draft.
I know there is some stiff competition awaiting these Whaler prospects, but rising above adversity is the culture instilled into Whalers from the second they step foot into the locker-room. The pig-headed rookie relations officer, Luffy Richard, makes sure that Vancouver is a place that fosters growth. As a player who struggled mightily in the beginnings of his career, he knows what it takes to get the most out of the league, and though his time as a player might be limited by his late start, he has done his best to assure those players who remain active that they can find success in many different ways, and that there is room for any archetype in the Simulation Hockey League. If you want championships, you draft players who have only faced uphill battles.
These players have the intangibles that teams need to succeed in a world that is regulated by a sinister Simulation. And intangibles are things that cannot be tanged. You cannot quantify the spectacular qualities that will win the Vancouver Whalers a four-star cup. You can get your TPE and all your little strength and offensive read stuff down into your Simulation, but you cannot overlook the Whaler intangibles. So listen to me, ye general managers, while the league is having a huge turnover rate in management, remember that stability a Sarah or Kappy will bring you. These guys held me when my basil plant died. They will lift you up when you are down.

Go Whale or Go Home.