Login

r0tzbua · 12-11-2020, 06:04 PM

After a very vanilla first deep dive, I thought I would do something a bit more special for my second one this season. So imagine hockey, but instead of two teams battling it out with players doing a real sports thing, this time we use the animals they are named after or have in their logo and let them battle it out. But not with hockey sticks and pucks, no. A good old fashioned fight between them.

So let’s get right in and start with our contestants:

Anaheim Outlaws:
That’s a bunny, right? I mean it’s a mean-looking bunny, but still a bunny. So their contestant is the Anaheim Bunny.

Colorado Raptors:
That’s pretty straight forward. It’s a Raptor. I have to decide which kind of raptor I see it as though, because contrary to what Jurassic Park taught us Velociraptors were cutesy, hip-height feathered things. Still, it’s a Raptor, maybe it’s a Deinonychus.

Maine Beaver:
So ok, this is a weird one because I know Maine doesn’t have an animal in its name. Or their logo. But I needed 8 teams, and beavers like timber, so Maine gets a beaver from me.

Vancouver Whale:
It’s in their name, it’s in their logo, so pretty clear it’s a whale. I don’t know exactly which kind of whale they are, but from their logo and living in Vancouver, it’s probably a Humpback Whale.

Nevada Battleborn:
I guess that’s a goat? It looks like one, so I decided to go with it, it’s the Nevada Goat. Fear the mighty Nevada capra aegagrus hircus. (That’s Latin)

Detroit Falcon:
Again we have a case of it being very clear here with the choice of animal. I guess it’s a run of the mill falcon. Go Birb!

Quebec City Citadelles:
From what I can gather as a fresh Canadian immigrant there’s a fort-thing in Quebec which is the citadel. So that technically is not an animal, but they have an owl in their logo so I’m going to go with the Quebec City Owl here. And since I can’t decide between all the cool owls you can make your own choice in your head which kind of owl it is.

Carolina Kraken:
Lastly an easy team again. It’s a Kraken. Has a ton of legs, likes to sneak up on unassuming pirates and eat their ship, bodies and treasure. It may not truly be a real thing but I’m going to let it go.

Now that we have all the animals, let’s talk about how this will go down. I used a random bracket generator to generate our tournament bracket randomly, which means I can’t influence the outcome of which animal fights which. And to keep it objective I will not decide who will win by just making stuff up, but take every matchup and roll a d100. 1-50 will be animal number 1 winning, 51-100 will be animal number 2 winning. I will use a real d100 so I can still cheat if I want to and you will never know.

Let’s look at the bracket:

First round

[Image: rEkMfKY.png]

Game 1: Anaheim Bunny vs. Carolina Kraken (Roll: 46)
Ok so I didn’t expect this to happen but somehow the Anaheim Bunny was able to defeat a Kraken. I don’t know how exactly this went but I guess Kraken are much better fighters in the water than in an ice rink, so in the end the bunny just waited for the Kraken to suffocate by hopping around and having a munch on some carrots. Also Kraken probably can’t breath outside of water, can they?

Game 2: Nevada Goat vs Vancouver Whale (Roll: 34)
I think we have the same water-thing going on. Maybe having land animals fight water animals in an ice rink wasn’t the smartest idea. But reports said the goat just happily stomped around the rink for 20 minutes and tried to eat the referee’s uniform while the officials tried to figure out how to get a whale out of the stadium.

Game 3: Maine Beaver vs. Detroit Falcon (Roll: 98)
The Falcon takes the win. To be honest that was predictable since Falcons are actually pretty good hunters and beavers just tend to chomp at trees and build a wall out of them to live in it. And I guess flying animals have a tiny bit of an advantage.

Game 4: Quebec City Owl vs. Colorado Raptor (Roll: 57)
Battle of the birbs (Yes, I called the raptor a birb, look at the feathers)! Although the non-flying birb was able to take the win here, so I suppose that comes as a bit of a surprise. I imagine the owl was seeing it’s ancestor and just didn’t feel like murdering it’s grandpa or something.

Semi-Finals

[Image: OFIIbKC.png]

Game 1: Anaheim Bunny vs. Nevada Goat (Roll: 15)
Imagine a bunny tearing this battle up. Probably it’s the sweet bandana that simply discourages and makes it’s opponents afraid. Bunnies have a mean bite though, so I imagine the Goat just was not having any of it and decided to give in to bunny oppression. The bunny makes it to the finals!

Game 2: Detroit Falcon vs. Colorado Raptor (Roll: 79)
Another bird-style battle and the Raptor took the win home again. I don’t know what the Falcon did wrong but people who were there seem to have said that it was just plain confused about being in an ice rink with an extinct animal, the Raptor probably just adapted better to this modern environment.

Finals

[Image: 5edC0aW.png]

And we have our final: The Anaheim Bunny will step into the rink to dish it out against a Raptor that is not as big as we think and looks pretty weird with weird proto-feathers on it. (I have decided it’s the original, real Velociraptor by now), let’s get right into the battle! Since it’s the finals I will roll a best of three, because I feel like it.

Final: Anaheim Bunny vs. Colorado Raptor (Rolls: 31, 37, 83)
What the actual? The bunny took it in the first two fights, it didn’t even need the third roll. I guess Monty Pythons was right with their portrayal of the bunny because that’s the only way I can imagine this went down with a fluffy bunny flying around the rink slowly chomping away at the Raptor.

All in all not the outcome I expected of this battle of the SMJHL animals, but I hope you had fun reading this, and congratulations to Anaheim for having the most fierce animal mascot thing in the league!

Approved, +5 TPE @r0tzbua

*slothfacekilla* · 12-11-2020, 06:06 PM

This is the type of analysis you love to see

**leafs1997** · 12-11-2020, 08:08 PM

Great read! I wish KEL had an animal, so we could be included lol

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us