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Z-Whiz · 01-27-2021, 01:14 PM

Disclaimer: This is coming from the perspective of a mascot duck. It is completely satire (or is it?). I am not meaning to offend anyone and if I do, well then take me off your draft board because I do not want to go to a team that cannot self-deprecate. Great, now that you all think I am an asshole, here goes my breakdown of every SHL team based on facts, not opinions. FYI, I’m not awarding points for users. This is mainly just to shoutout and/or make fun of people I know.

SHL Eastern Conference
Atlanta Inferno

Location: Atlanta used to have an NHL team, the Flames. It always miffs me how warm cities cannot support hockey teams. What better to do on a 100-degree day than hang out in an arena with a giant ice cube in the middle? Anyway, I digress… Atlanta would be a good location for me. To be honest, I get tired of flying home for the winter each year, so being able to rest my wings would keep me more active on the ice. 8/10.
Colors: I have always had a fondness for red and yellow. The bright red in really screams hot/fire. That said, I am afraid of fire since it is the number one destroyer of forests and I quite like forests. 5/10.
Logo: Bonus points for it being a type of bird. Us fowls gotta stick together. It lacks some detail, and I would describe it as cartoonish, but hey, it’s definitely not the worst! 5/10.
Users: hotdog and moosecop are both on the Arizona Outlaws in the ISLF. I am currently hotdog’s and moosecop’s boss. I do not know if I could handle a role reversal. People take my orders for food; I do not take my orders from food.

Baltimore Platoon

Location: Baltimore, more like Balti-meh. I went there once on a middle school field trip. It was humid and then some. There were also these things called Cicada’s that were buzzing like the vuvuzela’s in the 2010 World Cup. I am pretty sure they caused me to have tinnitus. 4/10.
Colors: Red, white, and blue. The perfect color choice for the team closest to the US capital. I like the darkness in the colors too. Really puts the fear into the opponent. Thank you for not somehow weaving Maryland’s hideous state flag into this. 7/10
Logo: Another bird! Although, I have never heard of a Platoon bird. It looks more like an eagle to me. Is a flock of eagles known as a platoon? Cuz if not, it should be. Very clean, love the stars and stripes. Eagle looks like he is about to check someone throw the glass. 8/10.
Users: CementHands is one of the GM’s for my current team, the Maine Timber. JR95 is there too. We lost to the 12 seed in the SMJHL playoffs. Can I really trust these guys? They did pay me a lot of money, so that was nice.

Buffalo Stampede

Location: Buffalo has the best wing game in the country. However, I cannot condone eating the wings off birds. God has given them the gift of flight, and this city just rips them off and serves them as appetizers. Shame on you! 0/10
Colors: Green and yellow are the two best colors in the world, especially when you have them side by side. Huge points incoming for this! 10/10.
oLogo: Could use some refurbishing. Not much shadowing and too many circles. Speaking of circles, anyone familiar with the NFL team in this area knows the saying, “no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!” Isn’t this team name some type of copywrite infringement? I like the idea of stampeding down the ice towards the opponent’s net, but I don’t like the idea of lawyers stampeding into the front office with a cease and desist order. 3/10.
Users: Faelax is in the Maine locker room. He usually comes by to make fun of us.

Chicago Syndicate

Location: Chicago is known as the windy city. That should not be a huge deal for me since I was built with a feather jacket attached to my body. However, it is a little loud and dirty for my liking. Oh, and they put too much sauce on their pizza. Detroit deep dish is way better. 3/10.
Colors: Yellow is always a crowd pleaser and black adds some toughness. The yellow is about as close as you can get to being gold without looking to mustardy. Well done on that. One more shade darker and I would be getting hungry for a hotdog. 6/10.
Logo: Maybe one of my favorites. You guys ever play that hitman game? Yeah, that is who it reminds me of, but even more of a gangster. If you are walking around with this logo on your shirt, ain’t no body messing with you. 10/10.
Users: SDCore is in the Head Office of the ISFL, so I cannot really like him cuz heck HO. Nhamlet was the scout who reached out to me when I was an UDFA and almost convinced me to join Newfoundland. Looks like he got the last laugh by knocking me outta the playoffs. Jerk!

Hamilton Steelhawks

Location: So, I’m gonna be honest. I know of like 17 cities named Hamilton. Google says Hamilton, Ontario is the biggest, so we will go with that one. Second biggest was Hamilton, New Zealand. Now I wish it were in New Zealand. I always wanted to go there. Anyway, I guess Niagara Falls is close to Hamilton, Ontario so that is cool. John Daley once tried to drive a golf ball over it. Hamilton is also a really famous play that I’ve never seen nor will see. I do not know, I’m rambling, so here’s your rank. 1/10.
Colors: Silver and light blue go quite well together. Just thinking of them makes me feel cold. Which works if you are a hockey team. 4/10.
Logo: More Birds! Although, this one reminds me of the chicken that Peter Griffin fights in Family Guy. I guess that is a good thing in terms of hockey. The team should be full of good fighters. However, I also like a disciplined hockey team. The power play is the ultimate tide swinger. 4/10.
Users: gwdjohnson is a player on my rival team in the ISFL. He also ghosted me during FA. RotticusScott was also my updater when I was a rookie in the DSFL, thanks for putting up with me! Frick_Nasty is a person.

Manhattan Rage

Location: Manhattan would not be the best place for me. Ducks and pigeons notoriously do not get along. It goes way back and I don’t have enough time to explain it. Just know, if I am in Manhattan, there will be plenty of pigeon bloodshed. Which may actually be a good thing. Those flying rats are taking over the city. 3/10.
Colors: Red and black always look intimidating. Being intimidating is a key part of playing defenseman in hockey. This could help me as I am big, fluffy, and not scary. 6/10.
Logo: I’m not sure if they meant it, but having a bull mascot in Manhattan where the legendary bull statue sits is pretty awesome. The “M” on the bottom of the logo is another great touch. Really good shadowing and face structure. 8/10
Users: majesiu and stamkosfan are both users on my ISFL team, and they are both great guys. I’d definitely like playing with them! Citizen of Adraa is my boss in Maine. He has treated me fairly.

New England Wolfpack

Location: New England is not on my list of places to visit. I know, I know, just wait until I see the leaves start to change. Sorry, no can do. When leaves start to change, I am off to somewhere warmer. Your clam chowder is the only thing keeping you from a zero. 2/10.
Colors: Gray and green. Definitely an interesting combo, but I think they make it work. The green is also called “fun green”. I do not know about you, but if their idea of fun on this team is a color, it’s probably pretty boring. 3/10.
Logo: Pretty sleek logo. Some good use of the green accent. I am slightly worried about the wolf, however, because green eyes usually mean there is some type of dark magic at play. Is this the good type of dark magic or the bad type of dark magic. Only one way to find out! 4/10.
Users: I don’t know any of you, but I’m sure you are lovely folk.

Tampa Bay Barracuda

Location: Tampa Bay is warm and I like warm. They also have a pretty popular zoo and aquarium. I am opposed to these two things and believe all animals should live free. How would you like being caged up and stared at all day? 3/10.
Colors: Tealish-light-blue and darker blue. While I like the different shade of blue, would it have hurt to reach a little further out into the pantones? We get it, the ocean is blue. 2/10.
Logo: The San Jose Sharks called and they want their logo back. Total rip off, but I honestly think I like it better than the Shark’s logo. That said, you are still thieves and criminals do not get rewarded in this ranking system. 0/10.
Users: TomHanks is also part of the Head Office in my other league. Heck HO!

Toronto North Starts

Location: Toronto is a city. That is all I’ve got. I was tired of using google to find out interesting things about different cities. Okay fine, I looked something up. Apparently Toronto has had people in their city since the last ice age (1793). That is cool, I guess. Ice Age is one the greatest movies and Sid the Sloth would have made a great slasher. 3/10.
Colors: Blue and White. If someone were to say, “think of the color blue” it is this Toronto blue. This blue is also considered fun. Looks boring to me. The white’s hex code is FFFFFF, so I am going to need some F’s in the chat to pay respects because these colors are dead. 1/10.
Logo: What is going on here? Is that Seattle’s tower needle thingy? Is that a star or a maple leaf? Figure it out Toronto. There is too much going on here. 1/10.
Users: I do not know Zach or UrsinZ, but they both have Z’s in their username and so does mine. I am sure we could bond over this.

SHL Western Conference
Calgary Dragons

Location: Calgary has the 2nd largest urban park in Canada. That will be a nice place for me to meet and mingle with fellow ducks. However, it will be a long flight south for the winter. 5/10.
Colors: Bright red and sliver. Not quite as intimidating as red and black, but still a classy look. I prefer my dragons to be intimidating, so I would have gone with some slightly darker colors. 4/10.
Logo: There is something about this dragon that makes me not want to trust him. He is scheming something, which makes sense. Lore always says dragons are wise and cunning. His hair has some nice flow to it, but his neck also looks like a lobster. 4/10.
Users: Bruins10 was on the Outlaws with me for about a season. We did not have a ton of interactions, but I enjoyed the little we had.

Edmonton Blizzard

Location: Edmonton, the Gateway to the North. Also, the birthplace of Chad Kroeger, lead singer of the greatest band of all time. Also, another Canadian city. Cannot believe it took me this long to bring them up, but Canadian geese and I are going to have issues. It won’t affect me on the ice, but those bastards are down right mean. Whenever the kiddos are throwing me bread at the park, these big boys come waddling in like they own the place. This goes to all Canadian teams: there will be off field disciplinary requirements if I am in a heavy populated goose city. 3/10.
Colors: Dark blue and light blue. Teams with blue really like to double down on the color. I mean, it is fine color, but it’s not that amazing. The yellow accent color saves the team. Blue and yellow are just slightly above red and yellow for me in terms of complimentary colors. 6/10.
Logo: I love the font for “Blizzard”. Really makes me feel cold to my bones. The wolf is a little awkward looking. I am not sure how to describe it. Maybe the eye is in the wrong spot? Maybe the profile view is just slightly turned too much? Either way, it is not the best, but not the worst. 5/10. Unless that’s supposed to be a Huskey, then deduct all points as that is my arch rival’s mascot.
Users: MrStennett, or Statue Stennett as I know him, is one of the best users I have come across in the ISFL. I would love to link up with him in the SHL. Hopefully he is a little more mobile over here...

Los Angeles Panthers

Location: Los Angeles is on the west coast and south in the heat, which is nice. They have also got a pretty storied tradition in the majority of major sports. Cost of living definitely higher, so I’ll have to ask for some more money. 6/10.
Colors: the most unique colors in the SHL. I really like the shade of teal they used and the orange is a good compliment. However, orange is the color of the Oregon State Beavers (one of my biggest rivals). And while my feet are orange, I cannot fathom the thought of wearing a jersey that it orange. 4/10.
Logo: Okay, now that I am looking at the logo and the colors, whoever designed this is a Miami Dolphins fan. Aqua and orange, animal in the forefront of the sun. It is just dissimilar enough that I won’t call you out for copywrite infringement. Also, the part below the panther bothers me. Looks like a shark that got cut into multiple pieces. 4/10.
Users: I recognize a lot of these names from ISFL. OrbitingDath, slothfacekilla, TheDangaZone, and sve7en. I do not really know them too well, but I’ll assume there fine. Count Chocula and Nictox have been on my teams before and I like them.

Minnesota Monarchs

Location: Minnesota has a large mall. That is all I really know about it. I am not a huge fan of malls. They take up a lot of real estate that could be used towards better things like parks and ponds. They’re also over crowded and loud. 3/10.
Colors: I am confused here. The forum says lists their color hex’s as Jewel (light blue) and white. These do not match the logo. I was about to give props to another team with green and yellow, but now I feel betrayed. Either you updated your logo, or updated your hexes and didn’t bother updating the forum. That is lazy management. 1/10.
Logo: Bonus points for having a green and yellow logo. Some more bonus points for having a great playoff beard on the king. Good use of black lines to segment the design. 5/10.
Users: FleshBagSoup is familiar to me, but we have never talked. So, I guess this is hello.

New Orleans Specters

Location: New Orleans would be quite the party. I may get a little too ducked up though and it could affect my performance on the ice. That is a risk I’m willing to take, but would management? We will find out soon enough. 6/10.
Colors: Purple (aka Electric Violet) and black. What a perfect way to describe that color. I really like the contrast between the bright and the dark. Black jerseys are always intimidating and as previously said, I need some of that aesthetic fear since I myself am not on who exudes fear into the opponent. 7/10.
Logo: The white eyes are a nice touch. I like the thought/idea of using the fleur-de-lis in the logo as it is emblematic of the city, but I think it could have been done slightly better. Either way, it is a very good logo and truly the stuff of nightmares. I would have to take off any team sanctioned gear hours before bed, otherwise I would not be able to sleep. 7/10.
Users: JKortesi is very involved in the ISFL and he allowed me to have double media on one of my articles even though I posted a couple hours before it technically started. I appreciated that, so thanks!

San Francisco Pride

Location: San Francisco is a city I have visited many times. I have a lot of extended family that live in or around the bay area, so it would be cool to have them attend some of my games. Pretty sure half of them would heckle me, but hey, that is what families are for. 8/10.
Colors: Purple and gold always makes me think of the Lakers, and I hate the Lakers. However, I do respect the color combo. They go well together, but they just are not my cup of tea. Sorry, nothing personal. It’s not you, it’s me. 3/10.
Logo: I do like the use of “Pride” instead of “Lions”. The team is made up of a large group of lions, so using the correct verbiage is smart. However, the logo is a little busy for my liking. The middle/face part is great, but the main is just a bit much in my opinion. 5/10.
Users: AgentSmith has been in the Maine locker room with me and he is a pretty cool dude. I would not mind playing with him either.

Seattle Argonauts

Location: Seattle is a disgusting city. They are home to the University of Washington. Their fans are delusional and think one good season wipes out decades of trash. I would not be able to walk around this city without fear of puking due to seeing their logo everywhere. Sorry, it’s you, not me. Go Ducks! 0/10.
Colors: Okay, sure, maybe you think you are getting points here because of all the nice things I said about having blue and yellow as colors. Those do not apply here. The yellow is mustard and there have already been too many blues. Tough luck on alphabetical order. Not much you can do about that. 0/10.
Logo: What in the heck is going on here? Is this a boat with eyes? Argonauts are a default name when you move your team in Madden. It is so basic they haven’t changed it in 10 years. It seriously looks like a logo for an early morning PBS kids show. What you've designed is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your scribbling, incoherent doodle were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational design. Everyone in this league is now dumber for having looked at it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. 0/10.
Users: a couple of familiar faces here, but I don’t want to shout you out since you’re on Seattle.

Texas Renegades

Location: Texas, but like, where? That is a massive state. Actually, it doesn’t really matter which city. It is all the same. Flat, shades of beige, and humid. I’m pretty sure they have a decent amount of lakes and ponds, so that’s nice. 5/10.
Colors: Black and slightly lighter black. Really creative here. I think having at least one accent color would add some much needed pop to the jerseys. Maybe the designer was color blind so everything looked the same and he just happened to pick two blacks. Or it is a viral add for color blind awareness. 3/10.
Logo: Despite the lack of color, this logo is up there in terms of one of my favorites. The cowboy hat and handkerchief are very well done. It has a good, rustic look which works well for Texas based teams. The hockey sticks let me know that I am on a hockey team too, which is good. 7/10.
Users: I do not think I know any of you, but I will not hold that against you. I am good at making friends, so I’m sure we’d be fine together.

Winnipeg Jets (Yes, I know they rebranded, but I was particularly happy with my assessment of their previous branding, so I am leaving it in here).

Location: Winnipeg, the Slurpee Capital of the World. What an honor. I remember growing up and riding my bike to 7/11 to use that refillable gallon jug with slurpees on hot summer days. Whatever flavor you chose (hopefully Banana, don’t @ me), your mouth would turn that color. 7/10.
Colors: Red, white, and blue. America! Heck yea…oh wait…Well this is awkward. I could just backspace and delete that, but I want to appear honest. So, yeah, red, white, and blue are great colors and they go great together, especially on a flag. Look how many flags have those colors: France, Russia, Slovakia, Pamana, Laos, Dominican Republic, Croatia, Norway, Thailand, Chile, New Zealand, Australia, Iceland, the Netherlands, North Korea (should probably delete this too). Anyway, you get the idea. Classic colors. 6/10.
Logo: Okay, it took me this long to not bring it up, but like, Winnipeg Jets…that is a real hockey team in the real world. Gonna need some more creativity on your part. Sure, the logo is slightly different, but the city, mascot, and colors are identical. I will say one thing, this logo is better than their old school logo, so I will give you a point for that. 1/10.
Users: a team full of people

Winnipeg Aurora (BONUS!)

Location: Thought I used up all my facts about Winnipeg above? Think again! Winnipeg is home to the longest skating rink in the world. This would be very beneficial to me as I could practice my skating while outside the team training facilities. Not being able to skate is probably my biggest downfall as a prospect. I would thrive here. 8/10.
Colors: Teal and mint. Okay typing that makes it sound gross, but when you see them together, they just flow. The different shades in the main and alt logo all really go together. However, not very intimidating for a hockey team, so you lose a few points there. 6/10.
Logo: The Northern Lights are a majestic sight and the logo captures their movement perfectly. Also bonus points for using trees. I am a current Timber and a lover of all things nature. My only question was, what is the mascot for a light show? Well, they answered that with the shoulder patch. Polar bears a dope. 7/10.
Users: still a team full of people

TOTALS:
Atlanta – 18/30
Baltimore – 19/30
Buffalo – 13/30
Chicago – 19/30
Hamilton – 9/30
Manhattan – 17/30
New England – 9/30
Tampa Bay – 5/30
Toronto – 5/30
Calgary – 13/30
Edmonton – 14/30 (unless Husky, then 0/30)
Los Angeles – 14/30
Minnesota – 9/30
New Orleans – 20/30
San Francisco – 16/30
Seattle – 0/30
Texas – 15/30
Winnipeg (Old) – 14/30
Winnipeg (New) – 21/30

RANKING TIERS:
Tier 1 (0 – 5) --- You’re tacky and I hate you
Tier 2 (6 – 10) --- Thanks for at least trying
Tier 3 (11 – 15) --- Something only a mother could love
Tier 4 (16 – 20) --- Okay, now we’re getting somewhere
Tier 5 (21 – 25) --- Wow, seriously impressive, mate
Tier 6 (26 – 30) --- I doubt anyone gets this high, so I’m not taking the time to name this tier

Well, that is all I have got. Whether you read the entire article or skipped to read only you team. Thank you for your time and let me know how wrong I am in the comments!

Cries as draft stock plummets

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trella · 01-27-2021, 01:16 PM

loves you too

Thanks to @karey and @JSS for the sigs!

Former USA Fed Head, Carolina Kraken Co-GM, Tampa Bay Barracuda GM

***Chevy*** · 01-27-2021, 01:17 PM

Old winnipeg: "Durrr you're an NHL team" -- yeah we've heard that a milllion times
New Winnipeg: "Highest ranking of all teams in this list". ---Aww yes! We're #1 at something!

PremierBromanov · 01-27-2021, 01:25 PM

you will pay for your crimes

Nhamlet · 01-27-2021, 01:30 PM

Z-Whiz Wrote:Nhamlet was the scout who reached out to me when I was an UDFA and almost convinced me to join Newfoundland. Looks like he got the last laugh by knocking me outta the playoffs. Jerk!