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Kraagenskul · 04-27-2021, 10:02 PM

It's time to truly decide which team is the best in the SMJHL. I have rented a quantum supercomputer to crunch all the numbers, contracted out to professional statisticians, reached out to CORSI experts, simulated literally thousands of seasons on FHM... oh wait, I did none of that.

I made up a bunch of index cards with each team's name on it and did some stupid shit with my two rescue dogs, Addie and Elsie.

THE MUTTS:
Addie: Seven years old, 50 lbs, from Kentucky. Half black lab and we believe Border Collie. Loves to eat, lay in the sun, and butt scritches. Favorite food is bananas.
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Elsie: Five years old, 50 lbs., from Texas. Half black lab and we believe whippet. Loves to fetch, lovingly death roll people, and play tug. Favorite food is cheese.
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ROUND ONE: TWELVE TEAMS
Rules: First team stepped on is OUT.

I placed them upon my bed duvet/comforter/spread or whatever fancy ass name Bed, Bath, & Beyond is calling them this week:
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I called up Elsie with a “Gobble gobble!” She jumped into the bed, her rear left leg smooshing the poor STL card. Sorry Scarecrows, you are the first one eliminated. Better luck next season when I use my pet crows for these rankings. Not really.
The horrific destruction on the card is evident here:
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ROUND TWO: ELEVEN TEAMS
Rules: Improvised on the spot.

Displeased that I was paying more attention to a bunch of index cards rather than giving her scritches, she laid down on the bed covering a single card. Sorry Ke$ha, but your song is no more:

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ROUND THREE: TOP TEN
Rules: Any card knocked upside down is OUT.

I set them up in the hallway as my one of sons distracted Elsie with her favorite toy.
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After setting them up, I tossed said toy past the cards and she slid into them as she grabbed the toy, amazingly hitting every card. She also nailed the clothes basket at the end of the hall spilling some clothes and a single card fluttered onto them:
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Only a single card was flipped, and the Knights were slayed by a mighty beast:
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I did attempt to video this and failed miserably. Maybe next time I should let one of my Zoomer sons use the camera instead.

ROUND FOUR: NINE TIMES
Rules: Last card with a treat is OUT

Card Treat Battle (I am only allowed four videos, so off you go.)
The video speaks for itself, as Addie and Elsie squared off, with the former to your left and the latter to your right. I figured Addie would eat more since if she learned how to speak the first thing she would do is call animal control and claim we starve her. She used her mutt smarts to go for the middle to get the most treats, saving a close corner for last. Sorry Newfoundland but my Labrador is not as kind as your neighbors.

ROUND FIVE: EIGHT ISN'T ENOUGH
Rules: First card one of the dogs sniffs is OUT.

Toss UP (I am only allowed four videos, so two you have to go visit yourself. I know, I know, the horror.)
I toss the cards up in the air the two dogs look a bit befuddled before Elsie sniffs one out. The Battleborn fought hard but is it coincidence that chance took out the team from a city built on it? The house doesn't always win.

Round SIX: SEVEN TEAMS
Rules: Any card found upside down is OUT.
I leaned the cards all up along this poor, poor, squirrel while Elsie waited patiently for my command.

Again only a single card ended up wrong side down. The Raptors brought down as prey is an irony that would make Alanis Morrisette weep; with joy or sadness we won't know until she sings about it.

ROUND SEVEN: Wait, six teams in round seven and seven teams in round six, this is confusing.
Rules: Last Treat eaten is OUT.
Six teams, six chairs at the table. It was a bit messy so not much footage here as the wife would be annoyed if that leaked to the Internets.
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Each dog took out three of the treats, although both dumbasses struggled to reach one by coming in from the far side instead of just going around. Addie did Moby Dick proud with the remaining treat and the Whalers sank.
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ROUND EIGHT: FIVE TEAMS
Rules: Tail knocks cards out of hand, last card in hand is OUT.
Unfortunately there is no footage at all of this. Elsie’s tail is a terrifying and painful whip when she is excited. Two cards knocked out at the first pass, another two at the second, and alas, Canada took its final blow as the Citadelle was not nearly as indestructible as advertised.

ROUND NINE: FROZONE FOUR!!!
Rules: Each team gets two attempts, oh watch the video and see how bad I screw this up.

I contradict my own rules, Detroit wrongly ends up in the sudden death, I somehow don't actually announce the loser who was hosed because one of the dogs decided to go off and check out a leaf. Newsflash: The Kraken lost. This was Tim Peel levels of screw up. To the league management, players, fans, and whomever else was outraged, we apologize and we plan on not only sacking those responsible, but for also sacking those responsible for sacking those responsible.

ROUND TEN: THROZEN THREE
Rules: Last banana eaten is out.

Good god, my wife isn’t kidding when she says my Boston accent can be brutal. Anyhow, Detroit gets knocked out when Addie snaps in to grab the banana. In fairness, this was supposed to be an Addie only event as Elsie doesn’t usually go for them. Addie loves them so much she eats the peels. Sorry Falcons, but you have slipped on the proverbial peel.

FINAL ROUND: BATTLE OF THE As
Watch the final video. Sorry for my Tom Brady high pitched level of excitement. It was for the fans.

ANCHORAGE ANCHORAGE ANCHORAGE
Anaheim can hold its head up high, but Elsie takes it home for the Armada with a win by a whisker thanks to a rogue piece of kibble.

Note to Animal / Dog Lovers everywhere:

Despite my starving joke up above, the dogs are very well fed as you can see in the video. We were actually overfeeding Addy and got a bit of a “chunky-butt” going, but a small reduction in her diet has back down to a level the vet is satisfied with.
The dogs have never caught a squirrel. They have never even come close.
They usually eat with one of those maze bowls to reduce puking, but today was for science. And glory.