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XLeafer · 06-23-2021, 07:18 PM

Austin Roenick is a former 1st round pick who was picked 13th overall in the S47 SHL Draft. He was originally drafted to the Tampa Bay Barracudas who had a bunch of 1st round picks but decided to draft a bust before Austin Roenick but still managed to draft Austin Roenick. Austin Roenick has had one of the best rookie season in SHL history but got defeated by someone who scored 70+ points which is a big madness.

Austin Roenick may have had a consistent good season but he is known as a choker. Austin Roenick was part of the biggest collapse in SHL history when he and his team blew a 3-0 series lead in the SHL Finals. Austin Roenick could not take more losses and decided to sign with the Manhattan Rage where he won the Challenge Cup where he was lucky and ever since, he has never won a playoff series. He is absolutely known as the choker in the SHL and no one is bigger choke artist than he is. It makes sense because Austin Roenick is a leafs fan and the leafs always choke during this time and it will never let go like Austin Roenick will always be a choker.

3lewsers · 06-23-2021, 08:41 PM

Dwayne Gretzky was born of useless parents and his siblings were put up for adoption. For some reason, his psychotic parents decided to try to completely ruin Dwayne’s childhood. For years, they made him take figure skating classes while making him memorize every single line from The Sound of Music. When not performing at skating recitals, he was kept locked in a closet and fed through a tiny hole in the bottom of the door. His only beverage was the water he could suck out of the shaved ice that was delivered to the closet via the overhead transom. His parents noticed his skill with the ice that they thought he could be their meal ticket by having him learn to play hockey. Then one day when it was below freezing and the roads were covered in a thin sheet of ice, Dwayne skated away and just kept going. He eventually was noticed by an overrated coach at a university and he was given a starting role on the team even though he didn’t deserve it. Dwayne Gretzky is nothing but a deadbeat and a clown that cannot be trusted.

***Rangerjase*** · 06-23-2021, 09:03 PM

***hhh81*** · 06-23-2021, 10:30 PM

Cassius Darrow is a worthless pylon for the Seattle Riot Farts. He's never been any good at hockey and stole the rightful place as a Colorado Raptor 1st round pick away from Irish legend Gareth "Fookin Hell" Rush. He coasted to multiple unearned championships with Buffalo and his agent paid people to give him undeserved awards attention in recent seasons. That [Wikipedia has removed this section due to homophobic slurs]; Buffalo would have won FIVE CUPS WITH FOOKIN GARETH RUSH.

The Colorado Raptors took this scrub 8th overall in the S44 SMJHL Entry Draft, disrespecting consensus Hall of Fame forward Gareth Rush. This set off a chain reaction where the league blackballed Rush out of the league. Darrow went on to score 100 career SMJHL points and captained the Craptors for 2 seasons, but failed to win a Four Star Cup. Acquring Gareth Rush was the key to the St. Louis Scarecrows’ 3-time repeat as Four Star Cup Champions.

This German POS ranks 6th in league history with 1568 blocked shots. Gareth Rush would be up there in goals and shots on goal. Real players fookin' shoot the puck.

Edited by Gareth Rush

suavemente · 06-23-2021, 10:44 PM

CheerfulBender20 · 06-23-2021, 11:54 PM

***Before you leave, please consider donating! Were it not for wikipedia, how would you settle arguments at the bar?***

Page Last Edited by Holodeck Hockey AI RINK-RAT 5000

Miles O’Brien, SHL Hockey Forward (LW)

Hello, dear reader. My name is RINK-RAT 5000, an artificial intelligence designed by Starfleet to train officers in the ancient bloodsport known as hockey. One-hundred officers have initiated my programming, and all have, to one extent or another, improved their hockey IQ while acquiring the game’s fundamental skills. That is, all except one: Miles O’Brien.

What follows is a rough assessment of Miles’s play. For brevity’s sake, I will only outline three of his basic deficiencies as a player. Ultimately, these shortcomings contributed to his Enterprise worst designation of “Hapless Bender.”

Please note that this list is neither comprehensive nor motivated by animus. There is not enough space for the former, my programming will not permit the latter.

Puckhandling
“Hands like snakes,” “Feet for hands,” “Manos de piedra.” You get it. I once saw him toe drag past one of my artificially rendered defensemen, clearly by accident. After experiencing inchoate murmurs of something approximating human embarrassment, I shut down the sim in disgust.

General Toughness
Our typical fighting sim pits the user against an AI amalgamation of Scott Stevens and a Klingon Warrior. For liability reasons, we had Miles square off against the NHL 93 version of Wayne Gretzky, as made famous in the 1996 comedy classic Swingers. After knocking O’Brien unconscious, Gretzky proclaimed, “his body is now an empty shell. Please treat it as such.”

Shooting Accuracy
This guy can’t hit the broadside of a barn. I’m talking stormtrooper levels of accuracy - that’s Star Trek, right? We couldn’t get this guy to score against one of those plastic goalie cutouts you play against when the men’s league goalie is too drunk to play.

Moreorless89 · 06-24-2021, 01:54 AM

This is the Juni Panda edit of the wikipedia page for the glorious Luffy Richard

"Luffy Richard is a hockey sweater full of woozles who likes to torment silly old bears, but when this bear comes with his paws up to catch my fade he flops on the ice like a german soccer player. Well, Daddy Axel is no longer there to shield Luffy Richard so he can flop all he wants but he is still gonna catch these paws.

"Luffy Richard is also a defenseman who had to learn to skate backward because he was so terrible at forward that he was a fourth-line winger for his cup winning team, the Vancouver Whalers, despite being a four-season veteran, and had to be carried by rookies. In the anals of Simulation Hockey League, it will be written that a corpse tied to two other players won a cup using some weekend at Bernie's shenanigans.

"Luffy Richard also managed to be the only minus player on his team in season fifty-nine. Bravo woozle."

(176 words)

@juniped

Raven · 06-24-2021, 05:44 AM

Code:
Written Task: Write a fake Wikipedia page for your current or past player, but in the shoes of your biggest hater. What false/nasty things would they write just to feel like a smartass? (150+ words)

Ryuuji Kawashima is a so called 'hockey player' from Japan and is a big stupid doo doo head. Despite how much he sucks he has tricked multiple GMs into picking him with their early picks. Being picked 4th overall by the stupid dummy Anaheim Outlaws in the junior draft and 6th overall by the not smart Toronto North Stars in the SHL draft. People describe Kawashima as a precision kind of playermaker who can always find his guy on the ice and assist them. However in reality Kawashima could not even pass to the broad side of a barn and would completely miss it. He also lacks leadership, he always just kinda stands around being all goofy like. Kawashima is bound to bust when he gets called up to the SHL, if he even gets to that point. His team should see howmuch he sucks and just cut him right on the spot. He can play hockey in a garbage bin where he belongs to be.

[166 words]

Thank you Fever, sköldpaddor and OD for the amazing sigs!

Montreal Impact/Militia Militia-Old

|Player Page| Stars

|Update Page| Japan

Mooty99 · 06-24-2021, 05:55 AM

ISFL PT

JstMaro · 06-24-2021, 05:59 AM

Jst Maro learned to ice skating in Slovenia, but he still doesn't know how to skate properly. His first contract was with Quebec City Citadelles where he spent his first four years. Quebec made terrible mistake signing him since Maro can't skate and he holds hockey stick in a same way as fishing stick. In his 3rd season Maro was picked in all star team, that year all star committee was corrupted for sure. And in his last year Maro lifted Four Star Cup, that for sure was pure luck because opposite players were laughing once they had seen Maro's skating ability.
I don't know what Winnipeg was thinking when they drafted him, but for sure their manager have zero brain since they called him and to make matters worse they put them as 3rd line center. And after his first SHL season they even extended his contract?!? How can person that lame play hockey on highest level still remains mystery.

Rabidsponge21 · 06-24-2021, 07:26 AM

PBE PT

JumpierPegasus · 06-24-2021, 10:06 AM

Yngve Simonsson (ing-vay seem-on-son) (born April 15, S38) is a Swedish professional moron who currently plays for the San Francisco Pride of the Simulation Hockey League. Drafted 7th overall, S56[1], Simonsson probably doesn't deserve to have a spot in the SHL because he simply cannot pass, shoot, skate, or play the game in any capacity[2]. Simonsson got lucky in his rookie season, putting upb 47 points and being nominated for a Jesster award[3] despite not actually showing any skill on the ice. He lucked his way into notoriety for that.

Simonsson was selected in the S55 SMJHL entry draft by the Detroit Falcons[4], playing his entire junior career there where he should have stayed because he never had the ability to be called up the SHL if he wasn't blowing the management in San Francisco. He's lucky he plays on a shit team because otherwise he would have fizzled out prior to ever being called up

*Zoone16* · 06-24-2021, 10:21 AM

Luca Del Vecchio (Loo-Kah Del Vek-Kee-Oh) is a “professional” money gouger and con artist who has convinced the hockey world that he is worth a damn. Currently “playing” the position of human sacrifice for the Baltimore Platoon in the SHL, Del Vecchio has become a household name not for his skill but for his eccentric masks. Born and raised in Italy, a country that no one knew could produce a hockey player, he clearly shows his soccer instincts as he dives all over the place rather than save the puck like a good Canadian goaltender would.
Outside of hockey, Del Vecchio has been a known entity in the fashion industry where he sells out to corporations selling suits with his name attached. Over the years, the LDV brand has become a household name in the fashion industry for being a cheap mockery of other actual quality brands such as Louis Vuitton and Gucci.
(153 words)

Rancidbudgie · 06-24-2021, 12:03 PM

Nicolae Antonescu is, for lack of better options, the current starting goaltender for the San Francisco Pride. Born in some backwater town in Romania, Antonescu came to the United States to play hockey, but that was mostly just an excuse to get out of Romania. At the time of his selection in the S55 entry draft by the San Francisco Pride, who reached for him at 27th overall in the second round, San Francisco's current starters were Geezus Kryyst, a man so old he was literally turning to dust like that guy who drank from the wrong cup in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and Cillian Kavanagh, who immediately and wisely fucked off to a LR with more than five active players from the S54 class or older. While San Francisco has seen a resurgence with a great LR and vastly improving on-ice results since then, this has largely been due to the good defense in front of Antonescu, who mitigated teams down from 60+ shots per game to an easily manageable 40+ shots, something your average grandmother and life-sized cardboard cutout of Hurley from the disappointing T.V. show Lost would also be able to manage just as well.

Thank you to Ham and Sulo for the sigs!

LordBirdman · 06-24-2021, 12:05 PM

San Francisco Controversy - Sven Svenson directly caused the GM turmoil shortly after being drafted to the Pride. At the time, the GM duo of the Pride included Grapehead and DaftRaincloud. Shortly after Svenson was drafted, Grapehead abruptly stepped down from the head GM position. There have been many theories about why Grapehead left the team, but the most prominent theory is that he was so upset about picking Svenson that he realized the only honorable thing to do would be to step down. Svenson clearly had an immediate negative impact on the team and locker room and pushed a longtime GM to step down from their position. Soon thereafter, interim GM DaftRaincloud sent the team into a rebuild by trading away veteran players for picks. Many believed DaftRaincloud to have acted hastily and received suboptimal value in return for those players, but insiders point their fingers at a different culprit – Svenson. Clearly with mediocre players like Svenson in the pipeline, it was a sign that the team needed to load up on picks and rebuild the pipeline with real players.

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