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*Zerg* · 07-12-2021, 01:53 PM

After a pretty standard game with the Raptors, Nystrom turned his phone back on and promptly heard it explode with text and twitter notifications. Usually this would have meant his mother was trying to reach him to voice her opinion on his excess of penalty minutes or random explosion for a four-point game, depending on the game and what had just happened, but this evening's match with the Citadelles had been mostly uneventful. Three hits, plus one, no points; a decent outing but nothing worth blowing up his phone about.

When he checked the source of the notifications, he found that someone had stolen his credit card information, made numerous purchases of illegal firearms and BadDragon products, then posted the receipts on twitter. This person, assuming it was the same person and not a partner in crime, posted the receipts under their own account, but stated that they were Nystrom's receipts found in a data leak. The self-styled leaker had tagged the Swedish Police in his tweets.

The first thing Nystrom did was call his credit card company, dispute all such charges, and cancel the card. The second thing he did was call his lawyer.

Within the hour, the lawyer had provided him with a pre-written tweet denying everything and linking an identity theft awareness charity, which Nystrom then posted and went to sleep. Soda and Toks were sure to spend the next few weeks roasting the shit out of him, and all he wondered was which of his teammates would inevitably hide a genuine BadDragon product in his stall.

[265 words]

Dagumpa · 07-12-2021, 02:14 PM

Aw nuts, someone stole my identity again! Fortunately, that means they now have to live the horrible, miserable, never-ending sufferfest upon struggle bus that is Bob Duncan's life. They have to go be one of the better scorers and defenders on the Outlaws, but receive no praise and be overshadowed by one of the 17 other centers on the team. Then they'll try to hit people, like I was doing left and right last season, but struggle, for some reason, and get called for a lot of penalties instead. Then they'll be barked at by their boss for apparently "discouraging the Chinese market again" and be forced to lose another finger. And then they'll check the standings and see that, despite our best efforts, Colorado is still just barely above us in the standings. Basically, they'll be fed up after enough time and just give me back my identity. However, they'll never be able to learn my secret recipe for Bob Duncan's two-meatball casserole with a splash of lime.

***retuperkele*** · 07-12-2021, 02:28 PM

After the big sim from the Calgary Dragons, Luukas Lilja and his fellas decided to call in a celebration, so they did hit the bars. After a few drinks and a handful of shots, first Dragons members started to pass out. Mikael Choybuk first, then Kaspars Claude, followed up by both Luukas Lilja and Zdenko Beranek. Amongst all the partying, Lilja had apparently left his wallet on the counter while ordering a round for his teammates.

The morning after, Lilja woke up, and checks his pockets out of habit - wallet is gone. He then proceeds to check his bank balance, which was never on the negative side for those asking, to see that it was used several times by someone else. Many of the transactions made by this person were on adult sites to see premium sexual content, as well as multiple yearly subscriptions for countless OnlyFans accounts. Lilja then proceeded to call the bank, and explain what had happened, and the bank refunded all the payments. Luukas then did shut his card down and ordered a new one. He will now keep his wallet more safely in his hands

*Carpy48* · 07-12-2021, 02:41 PM

Someone hacked into my Twitter account recently and posted this before I deleted it.

[Image: 7Cn8xIl.png]

Obvious signs that this wasn't me (if you couldn't guess): a) I use Android, b) I would never drink peppermint tea in a situation like this (or...ever?) and most important of all c) I would never insult Gunnar's cooking.

Nictox · 07-12-2021, 03:15 PM

I woke up this morning to a text alert from my bank. Someone try to withdraw all of my cash at about 1:47am. Instead of freaking out over the fact someone has my information, I laughed. Why do I laugh? I will get to that in a moment. After some further digging I discovered someone tried to also use my name to get credit cards and take out loans. Normally I would flip out over someone trying to blatantly steal from me, but again, I laughed. Now you may be thinking to yourself, Jean-Locke why are you laughing at someone trying to steal your identity? You see, since I was a boy my father taught me one thing that I have always carried with me. Do not trust banks. How is this a good thing? All my money is stashed in my basement and I have no American credit to my name due to never using it. So go ahead, dum dum, steal my name and try to take a loan out. It will not work. I just realized I told you where I keep my money and now have to dig a hole in my backyard to stash this all...

RIP Dangel #AD26 | RIP TDZ

Tate · 07-12-2021, 03:28 PM

Knox Booth awoke to find that his identity had been stolen and he had been catfishing many of the different SHL players. It turns out that there has been some interest in potential meet-ups for coffee and maybe even some Netflixing and chilling. Initially, Knox was really upset at what had happened but then began to think of the possibilities of some of these potential relationships and began to wonder if he should thank the person(s) who stole his identity. Ultimately in the end Knox had to do what was right and contact each and every person who had been catfished and tell them what actually happened. This led to a lot of good laughs, and some heart break but Knox felt it was the right decision in the end. Knox made sure to follow up with authorities and take measures so that his identity wasn't stolen again, but at least it was a fun learning experience.

.Laser · 07-12-2021, 04:12 PM

PBE Affiliate - user Laser

Thanks to EAB and sulovien for the sigs!

Kyamprac · 07-12-2021, 04:40 PM

Every month Sarah Burke does routine checks to see whether she's paid her bills, how much she's paid, what kind of shape her bank accounts are in and so on. This month she reviewed her statements to find that several bizarre things were charged to her card one night.. several crates of fresh fish, a couple buckets of clams, a glow in the dark fluorescent orange ball, a giant inflatable sloth floatie, and a rental charge for a big AirBnB on a beach in Hawaii.

Thinking back, Sarah remembered she used the card to buy her friends a few rounds of drinks that night at a local pub. Among that group, there was only one culprit that could have been responsible for this mess: Duncan the Walrus. She opened her wallet and found what looked like her credit card, but had Duncan's name on it instead of her own. Apparently they mixed up their very similar looking cards that night and Duncan had gone on a drunken spending spree on his Uber ride home from the pub. Not so much an issue of identity theft as an honest mistake, Duncan paid her back right away and apologized profusely.

*leviadan* · 07-12-2021, 09:12 PM

After our recent game in Tampa Bay, I accidentally left my phone in the visitors locker room as we hustled out to catch our flight. I guess a few of my old Falcons buddies that play with the Barracuda got it from the arena staff and had a field day with it. I fell asleep almost immediately upon boarding the flight, so it wasn't until I woke up several hours later that I saw they'd purchased:

- 12 season ticket packages for the S61 Barracuda
- A bulk order of XXL "authentic" cowboy hats for film costuming
- Two stainless steel potato grinders (not funny)
- A commemorative serving dish that says "S53 Fore Star Cup Chlampions"
- 1 Year Subscription to Youtube Premium

The worst part is almost none of this is returnable. The hats are huge and I don't think would fit on many human heads. The potato grinders I was able to get partially refunded (minus shipping), the serving dish was pretty funny so that's in the trophy cabinet, but worst of all is the season tickets. Nobody wants them! I can't pay people to watch the Barracuda! If you know any Tampa Bay fans please let me know, I'm desperate to offload some of these at 80% off.

[Image: pin1_1.gif?ex=663a63f4&is=66391274&hm=70...8f89c3f46&]

enigmatic · 07-12-2021, 10:13 PM

After a particularly drunken party, Jasper Maximov lost his phone. He was so drunk he didn't even realize it was gone. Some Tampa Bay Barracuda fan took it and recorded him while he was giving perhaps the most embarrassing speech of his life about that one game they had won against Tampa Bay 1-0:

"I don’t know what to say. Fucking shutout. I couldn’t sleep for three nights. To be able to win this game is huge. Chamby was outstanding. MVP. I was telling him everyday you’re MVP. You’re the best player. And they they gave it to whatever the guy in whatever city. The John McBride. And then last year they gave McBride to someone else. Number one bullshit bro. Number one bullshit. Chamby took at least two games this season for us [sniffles]. You know he should have took MVP and I was keep telling him he’s MVP. He’s the guy that fucking…he’s the best. He was on his head today and he kept us in the game. Another shutout by him. Remarkable. Can’t even tell more."

He then used Maximov's phone to post it on all his social media because Jasper is too dumb to have a password on his phone and stays logged in everywhere. Some people say he's a dumbass but fans in Winnipeg who agree that Chamberlain is MVP loved this speech.

Moreorless89 · 07-12-2021, 10:41 PM

Luffy Richard went on a mountain retreat to find his zen and scoring touch to help the North Stars in their play off push. When he returned he found out that he was out of Rowdy Ramen. When he called his sponsors to get more they said they’ve been delivering his usual amount of ramen to his new place. Realizing someone had taken his identity to steal his delicious Rowdy Ramen, he grabbed his roommate and headed off to find revenge and to regain his delicious ramen. During the drive he berated his roommate for allowing someone to steal the great name of Luffy Richard. His roommate then pointed out that he should stop answering shady emails for products that he has never heard of and that are obviously too good to be true.

“Who needs an automated turtle shell polisher with built in Blu tooth???”

“Turtles love the soothing sounds of Unleash the Archers, Kay Bee. I could not pass up that opportunity!”

“Yeah well now you have no ramen, and we are driving to Minnesota to fight this guy.”

“You’re right, we should stop for ramen first.”

Eventually Luffy Tracked down the person who took his ramen sponsorship and beat him with a sock full of pine ones. The end.

*sköldpaddor* · 07-12-2021, 11:16 PM

Gunnar Söderberg had the misfortune of waking up one morning to discover that he had left his credit card at a bar the night before. If this were one of the bars the team regularly visited, this wouldn't be a problem - the bartenders are all pretty cool at the local places they frequent, and would have just given it back to him. But this was a bar in another city, and apparently they weren't quite as trustworthy, because in the eight or so hours since Gunnar left the credit card there, several things had happened.

First, the person had used his credit card to purchase at least nineteen aquariums. Not small, manageable aquariums to put in your house (and even if they were, who has room for nineteen of them) but very large ones. Then, presumably to put in the tanks, this person also ordered nineteen dozen turtles. Gunnar immediately canceled the card, but the damage was done. Even more perplexing, the person who ordered the tanks and turtles seemed to have forgotten to put in their own address, and the items were scheduled for overnight delivery to Gunnar's own home in Chicago. Now, while Gunnar loves turtles, he was obviously not in a position to house nineteen tanks of them in his two-bedroom condo in downtown Chicago - there simply wasn't enough room.

He talked to his credit card company, and while they were able to cancel the credit card, they also refused to take back the charges, because apparently Gunnar spends a lot of money on turtle-related things and it simply wasn't believable that someone else would have done this on his behalf. Thinking fast, Gunnar managed to contact the company shipping the aquariums and turtles, and was able to have the delivery rerouted to an aquarium in Chicago, who accepted the donation of turtles and habitats very gratefully. Anyway, that's why a lesser-known aquarium in Chicago now has the Gunnar Söderberg Turtle Extravaganza Exhibit, where the public can come and observe some incredibly ordinary turtles doing turtle stuff. Many of the turtles are named after Syndicate players (like Ryan Shellpard and Jukka Turlmonen), but there are so many turtles that some of them are also named after other players from around the league, featuring such impressive individuals as First-Turtle Last-Turtle, Danny Marstortoise, and Magnus Liljesturtle.

overdoo · 07-13-2021, 02:21 AM

PBE Affiliate

Snuffalupagus · 07-13-2021, 07:58 AM

"Icepicks,
Toothpicks,
Toepicks,
Toejam,
Pearljam,
Duke of Earl-jam,
Wham Bam
Thank ya ma'am,
TurboTax
Flapjacks
Guardian's Drax,
Exlax
Total Eclipse of the Heart,
Heart,
Best of Heart,
The Total Heart Collection,
The Bone Collector,
Crazy Bonez,
Crazy, the single by Gnarls Barkley
Crazy Train,
Crazy Frog,
Throg and Croakie,
Etobicoke-y style sunglasses,
Single lasses,
Double lassoes,
Triple salchow,
Murder of crows.
Casper,
Seely,
Douglas,
Cam Neely (jersey),
Poppa Wheelie (action figure)
to name a few."

Rob Wright sends us an haphazard list of all the items an identity thief purchased while they controlled the pro hockey player's credit card for one afternoon.

"I was more than shocked," the forward goes on to tell us "because I actually ended up finding my credit card when I got home from Baltimore. It was in my son's room. Along with..."

Wright pulls out his phone and shows a picture of Ronald McDonald crying.

"Wrong picture. This one"

The picture changes from the sad fast food-clown to a bedroom with an assortment of random items; CDs, action figures, food, and a bunch of mattress-in-a-boxes.

"Don't trust kids."

zeagle1 · 07-13-2021, 10:42 AM

Mew Two had his phone and wallet stolen! This is unsurprising as he does not have pockets, as he is a pokemon that does not wear clothes. The fortunate side of this is that Mew Two's pokemon wallet was stolen while he was exploring beautiful downtown Baltimore, looking for a place to live when he is called up next season. His Pokemon wallet only held a few thousand Poke, as he is Mew Two, a celebrity in pokemon land, so nearly all his expenses are comped. Also he's a legendary pokemon that lives in a cave so he really does not have that many uses for money. The wallet thief tried to steal Mew Two's identity but of course this failed as well, as Mew Two does not have a social security number or anything like that, as he is a pokemon. Mew Two was mildly inconvenienced by this and has taken to wearing a fanny pack to keep his wallet safe in the future.

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