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spidey · 04-01-2023, 06:57 PM

Last night the league finally decided to release the award winners from last season. It has been a travesty that it took so long, just terrible, never before in league history has it taken this long to decide on a winner. This clearly was the work of terrorist organizations like Antifa, if I was in control this would have been done on time and I have tremendous policies, maybe the very best on getting things done.

Four Star Cup: SMJHL Champions
Quebec City Citadelles

I am not sure we can give them the Championship, everyone knows it is a lie. There were goals scored against Quebec, tons of goals, and they just disappeared. How can that happen. They took the goals to the back room and started counting them. No one was allowed into that room, and magically Quebec won the championship? HUGE CONTRAVERSY we will fight this and prove that Kelowna was the rightful champions.

Laurifer Trophy: President Trophy
Detroit Falcons

Detroit wins the Presidents Trophy, I didn’t give it to him, clearly, I am still the president as I was cheated out of my win, much like a certain team I know. I tried to invite Detroit to my mansion, Huge Mansion in Florida, but they turned it down. Can’t be the Winners if I don’t give it to them, Its simple math people.

King Kurczewski Trophy: East Playoff Champion
Quebec City

Are they really the East Champions, I am not sure, I am not sure where Quebec even is. Sounds like it is something you do after having a few cheeseburgers. Not sure, don’t know, does anyone know, I don’t think so.

Cole Reinhart Trophy: West Playoff Champion
Detroit Falcons

Again clearly cheating here. We all know that Kelowna won out of the West, there were parades, lots of them and yet months later we crown Detroit. This might be the greatest injustice in all of SMJHL history. It is riduclous, we have good people, hard working people that saw goals by Kelowna, and yet we look on the score board and there is no goals, how does Detroit get here, where did the goals go too?

Roberto Matruci Trophy: Regular Season Goals Leader
Cale Salad

FAKE NEWS! No one names Cale Salad would ever win anything in life. Quarterpounder Diet Coke Should be the winner. Cale Salad, that is what Deers eat, I mean if that is what you want to eat, hey that is up to you, but you wouldn’t score. I score all the time. Some say greatest at scoring you should ask this Pornstar I…I mean my wife, she lets me touch her without paying her, and my beautiful daughter if she wasn’t my daughter, I mean come on look at her.

Ronan O’Keefe Trophy: Playoff Point Leader
Jack St. Clair

Jack St. Clair is a liar, I know it you know it. Likely what happened is he touched the puck and a Kelowna player scored it. They gave him extra assists. None of the points were goals, and you still gave him the award!?!?! SAD SAD day.

Matt Lewis-Flood Trophy: Regular Season Team Save Percentage
Great Falls Grizzlies – Bandit Heeler & Copernicus Doomslater

They are even telling you they are stealing the award in their own names, B-A-N-D-I-T … D-O-O-M. Clearly they are trying to break down the sanctity of the hard working honest players in the SMJHL.

Elisa Armia Award: Appointed by the Commissioner
Jay2233

Clearly cheated, paid off the Commissioner and they are not even trying to hide it. What did he do? A “JOB” for the Commissioner, what did he get one of the most prestigious awards ever. Now it is tainted forever. Don’t worry I will get to the bottom of this, and I will make SMJHL GREAT AGAIN.

Nour Harrak Award: Top General Manager
Quebec City Citadelles
Faelax
RAmenAmen

WHAT! This is the most disappointing, this is meant for leadership, not back door politics. Clearly the voting machines were tampered by Jhina, and Russia. This is the worst ever.

The First All Star Team: - Or as I like to Call them the ALL ME TEAM, as it is all a team needs to win, is me.
F - Cale Salad – Must have been using enhancemets, like eating cheeseburgers.
F – Bohadan Jarovsky - Good name, reminds me of my friend Vladimir, good man, very smart, very strong.
F – Pawter Meowski – Sounds like a made up name, likely using an alias and is a spy
D – Elena Maximova – What a girl? Now we know it is rigged.
D – Nash Topalo – Topalo, or should I say TopaNO you should not get mentioned here.
G – Bandit Heeler – Clearly cheated to get this spot. You know it, I know it, the league knows it but won’t admit to it.

Zach Miller Award: Most Dedicated User
Bbjygm

This isn’t right, I know others who were more dedicated, did more then him, came to my house for Cheeseburgers and diet coke and they loved it. Ate it all, I couldn’t give them enough. Bbjygm wouldn’t even dedicate to come over, no dedication at all.

Vyacheslav Onoprienko Award: Most Underrated Player
Edzus Ozolins

How does Edzus win this, WAS NOT UNDERRATED! EXPECTED TO WIN MAJOR AWARDS and didn’t. Not Underrated at all. Should have gone to Potential Spam, Defender TOTALLY UNDERRATED and did it all. Another travesty on the night.

Alex Light Award: Most Improved Players
Ekaterina Valieva

Can’t believe they got one right, but should have been so much more, PLAY OFF POINTS, MVP, PLAYOFF MVP. Ridiculous they only got one award, so rigged it is ridiculous.

All Defense Team: Or the Pentagon team, greatest defense ever in history of the world.
F – Mushu The Dragon – Must be from Jhina, good leader there. Like those guys.
F – Toxic Neutrality – Toxic Masculinity or an ALPHA just like me. Good Choice, good player.
F – Jarrod Lakemore – Should he be here…I don’t think so…Where is Ekaterina? Truly great Defensive forward.
D – Rikaad Metzller – Now this was a great pick, maybe one of the best of the night, one of the greatest defensive defensemen to ever skate in SMJHL and a close friend of mine, so you know it is a good pick.
D – John Brown – Not a good pick, I could have helped made the right choice but they closed the doors
G – Bandit Heeler – HOW DOES THIS PERSON GET HERE AGAIN, does no one check for cheating with a Bandit?

Brandon Holmes: Best Defensive Forward
Jacob Fournier

Now you know this doesn’t make sense right? Best Defensive Forward and they don’t make the Defensive Team. Clearly someone was not thinking, or thought we were too stupid to catch this but we did. We know this is cheating and we will beat them. WE WILL NOT LOOSE FOR THE SMJHL.

Qhilha Agante Award: Best Defenseman
Elnea Maximova

Let’s be honest here, if she were a man would she get this award? No! The leftist are tearing apart this great league and I will stop it.

Second All Star Team : Or as I would call it the Biden Team (Second place to me)
F – Bastien Primeau – Sounds like he came from that imaginary place Quebec.
F – Hai Nam Hoang – Is he related to my best friend Kim Jong-un. Very Smart man. Deserves a place here.
F – Ekaterina Valieva – How does this happen, how is he on Biden’s team. DISGRACEFUL
D – Nino Di Giuseppe – Can’t trust the Italians, always trying to stab us in the back.
D – Brendan Laroux – Might be related to Primeau, VERY suspicious.
G – Sea Jebus – TRAVISTY how does he end up here and not on MY TEAM! WORST DECISION!

Alexis Metzler Award : Best Defensive Defenseman
John Brown

JOHN BROWN WAS SECOND PLACE DEFENSEMAN IN ALL DEFENSIVE TEAM HOW DOES HE WIN THIS AWARD! Can’t trust the vote, MAIL IN VOTES DON’T COUNT. MUST RECOUNT!

Cedirc Robinson Award: Best Goalie
Sea Jebus

A great decision, one of the best. I would have put him here too. Clearly he was the best Goalie in the league, maybe the best ever to play. Should be re-naming the award in his name, not some bumb no one has ever heard of. Will look into getting this done or greatest mistake has happened.

All Rookie Team: - The Ron DeStantis Team, very good team, but not ready to compete yet. Leave it to the PROS RON!
F – Jiggle E. Puff – What the HELL is A JIGGLE PUFF, is it a Marshmellow?! This is what the league has come to?
F – Smurfundkle Dothe – JIGGLE PUFF no SMURFUNDKLE! I am not catching pookkomen I am trying to win hockey games.
F - Kiern Kovalev – This one has potential, close friend of Vladimir, close friend of mine. I like this one.
D – Elena Maximova – NOT HER AGAIN!? WORST EVER! TERRIBLE! NEED TO REASSES ALL CRITERA!
D – Timo Labert – So many other choices this was not the right one. Terrible did not do research and just quickly pushed a name through.
G – Luka Nogoalov - Clearly cheating as he was named NO GOAL LOVE, This was tampering with results.

Esa Anrikkanen Award: Best Rookie
Jiggle E. Puff

They gave this to a marshmellow? A MARSHMELLOW! What were they thinking, clearly not, might have been money being passed around in the background. Hush money to keep others quiet but I will give the truth. Should have been Isak Sogard or Tibuk Soonika, CAN’T BELIEVE THEY ARE GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!

Ideen Fallah Award: League MVP
Cale Salad

There is no way this is right! He must have been on performance enhancers. Did we test him?!?!? No I don’t think so, if they did they would have found out he was cheating. You can’t win with Salad. Everyone knows that. There is no salad in my hotels because you can’t win with SALAD!

Brodie Witzel Trophy: Playoff MVP
Jack St. Clair

They gave him the MVP, he wasn’t scoring goals, he didn’t win! Not until we can see all the goals the hid in the BACK! KELOWNA GOALS, should have been Kelowna winning! Ekaterina Valieva Russian Princess would have been winner if they look at the goals they hid in the back.

Raymond Lindsay Trophy: MVP voted by players
Cale Salad

This is Terrible, did no one vote, you saw him on the ice, he was clearly cheating! NEED TO BE TESTED BEFORE AWARDS ARE GIVEN! I can’t believe this.

As a whole the night was a great disappointment. How can someone who scored more not win more? They have the goals, we all know they had the goals, and then all of a sudden they didn’t have the goals? Just gave the awards to the others. Terrible injustice. Sad day for SMJHL!

I will fight to make SMJHL great again, I will fight to make the league correct this! Have to make it right again. Don’t worry SMJHL Fans there will be GREAT RECONING I will fix everything.