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Cock Draft
#16

Okay idk what happened
Kickz made these tables for me and I guess they all got eaten by a rabid wolverine monkey
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#17

fixed
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#18

Now that I’ve gone over money, reputation, and attributes for forwards it only seems logical that the next step is statistics. Stats in the juniors are normally said to not mean anything, but they do mean something. You see, since the juniors and pros use the exact same simulator and the same version of said simulator junior stats can give you a basic idea of how a player will perform. Keep in mind that in the juniors you are playing against players who aren’t even close to as good as those in the SHL and sometimes stats can just be luck of the draw. What I’m going to do is list the top five draftees in goals, assists, hits, blocked shots, and +/-. The reason I’m not listing points is because all of the players in the top points will be listed under goals and assists anyways and if you really want to know you can look it up yourself. And don’t worry I didn’t forget about you goalies, but goalies are whole different thing than skaters.

[Image: Table93_zpsc0c654e4.jpg]

Bauer on top of the list doesn’t actually shock me but with Vitkka’s high scoring you would expect him to be higher up there. Another thing I thought was interesting was Haan’s position on the list despite his relatively low scoring. He makes it up there because of the aforementioned decision making formula. He has put all his points into scoring so far so every time he touches the puck he shoots. On a good team this has led to him being second in goals.

[Image: Table94_zps10ac7802.jpg]

Another category where Bauer is at the top and it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest bit. A surprise on this list for me is Abernathy since he clearly identifies as a pure sniper. Another thing to note is that three of these players are defensemen.

[Image: Table95_zps319574c4.jpg]

No real shockers here. If you scroll up you can directly see how the checking rating relates to number of hits. It is important to remember with hits though, that forwards do have more chances to hit. Just because of forechecking and traditionally they tend to take players on the side walls in the defensive zone. Defensemen get their hitting when they are behind the net in the defensive zone or when they pinch. It’s just fact that forwards have the opportunity to throw more body checks.

[Image: Table96_zps505ece78.jpg]

Plus minus can be a misleading stat. It’s important to make sure you look at plus minus in relation to the rest of the players on the team rather than the rest of the league. The Prince George Firebirds had the vast majority of their players in the plus while most other teams led more towards the minus.

[Image: Table97_zpsd2445253.jpg]

All players are defensemen, that’s not surprising at all. I don’t know why there is such a large drop off between Eustachian’s number of blocked shots and the next closest draftee. Traditionally speaking, players on bad teams will have higher blocked shots numbers because the worse the team is the more the team is on defense. However that isn’t really the case here seeing as the Falcon’s and the Whaler’s had the exact same record.

After looking at all of the stuff I have listed so far, I think I can accurately pick the top 10 skaters in the draft. The way the rest of this article is going to work is simple. First I’m going to list the top 10 players in the draft based on all of the above factors and my own personal opinions. Then I’m going to go over goalie attributes and stats and rank them in order of worst to best. Then I’m going to talk briefly about each team in the SHL and what they need and what they have already. Then I will go through and do my mock draft.
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#19

10.) Hadrada, Bohemund

[Image: tumblr_lroidmoarV1r2zdh7o1_500.jpg]

Username: Mark
Position: Defense
Shoots: Left
Height: 6’11”
Weight: 250 lbs

Top attributes, checking (80), skating (80), defense (80).

I went back and forth between Karlsson, Walker, Simpson, and Hadrada for this last spot because quite honestly they all could have gone here. The reason I went with Hadrada is simple, he has been extremely active since he has come here. He hasn’t had any bouts of inactivity like other players have. Given, he has only been here for about a month, but in that time he has managed to make 1.1 million dollars, do 3 point tasks, and raise his TPE to 182. Besides that, the fact that I personally know Mark from elsewhere and now how active he can be weighed into this decision. Hadrada didn’t manage to make any of our lists, but statistically speaking he had about 2 hits per game so if he had played a full season he likely would have cracked our top 5 list and he had 1 shot block per game, so he would have also made our shot blocks list. If you read the articles he has written thus far he has taken the persona of a hardnosed, hard hitting, mean defensive, ugly, Viking. They’re all a little funny too, I would recommend checking them out.

9.) Haan, Ryan

[Image: galchenyuk1.jpg]

Username: Snappy
Position: Right Wing
Shoots: Right
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 210lbs

Top attributes, scoring (88.66), skating (82), puck handling (80).

I’m going to be completely honest here, I think Haan is vastly overrated. I mean I know it’s kind of hard to ignore his big bank account, but he isn’t even updating his player right now. He hasn’t made any money this season and he has only done 1 point task. What good is a player to your team if he doesn’t continue to improve himself from when he is a junior player? Now I fully expect this all to be ignored and Haan to go high in the draft because of his history, but really honestly he shouldn’t.

8.) Ansev, Victor

[Image: sean-avery-83902975.jpg]

Username: Macklemore
Position: Left Wing
Shoots: Left
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 181

Top attributes, scoring (86), skating (86), passing (83), puck handling (83).

You know I personally like Ansev. It’s hard for me to rank him any higher than this though because he has an absolutely terrible reputation around the league. I wasn’t around when he did the things he is hated for and I don’t know much about it. I tried to research some of it and apparently there was a case where he didn’t withdraw money for training several times. Also looking at his negative reputation I came across his old retirement thread and it seems like his retirement was not taken well for reasons unbeknown to me. I also went back and looked at some other suspensions of his and some of the things he did were fairly uncouth, but I don’t think any of them meant to hurt the people he did it to. The case where he posted a Hitler picture was just him being foolish. I feel like he was trying to be funny but took it too far. Two of the insults he was suspended for, he called someone a tool and then someone else a bitch, neither particularly terrible in my opinion and I don’t think he meant to really hurt the people he was saying it to or worse things would have been said and it would have continued longer. He also got suspended for something I don’t think was completely wrong. After doing a play by play, people came into the thread and started bashing his work. Okay guys, this is for fun, that is just silly. Regardless he got upset and over reacted calling everyone “fucking retards”. I mean he has a bad rep around the league, but when you really go back and look at the stuff, I don’t think he’s a bad guy.

7.) Johansson, Adam

[Image: IMG_5973.JPG]
What a cutie.

Username: AJ09
Position: Center
Shoots: Right
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 207 lbs

Top attributes, strength (82), checking (80), skating (80), puck handling (80), passing (79).

Okay so for whatever reason I keep wanting to call him Aaron Johansson. Like seriously every time I typed his name in this article I had to go back and correct myself. Fair warning, I may have missed a couple. Besides that, I think Johansson went from being vastly under rated to slightly over rated. Johansson is a good player, that’s not even debatable. But some people have him going top five and I just don’t see him there. Look Johansson is great and he has really done a lot of good work this season but there are some clear cut factors that put the next six people ahead of him in my opinion. For the record his build is my favorite of the forwards in the draft as he is the only true power forward in this draft. I think Johansson will continue to develop at a steady rate and as far as TPE goes he is one of the leaders in that regard and I think that also weighs heavily on his current ranking.

6.) Reinhart, Rufus

[Image: Rufus-Scarf-01.jpg]

Username: tylar
Position: Center
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 205 lbs

Top attributes, skating (86), puck handling (84), passing (84), endurance (80).

This may not be a popular opinion here because of his very large bank account. Realistically speaking, all of the top six are pretty much equal. The reason I slotted Reinhart here is simple, he has a job that doesn’t pay money and of the rest he has made the least amount of money this season. However, he does have the biggest bank account besides Haan, so it wasn’t really an easy decision. I debated it for a bit but I decided I like myself more than Reinhart so I slotted him at six. Now as far as build goes I love Reinhart’s build. I was surprised at how balanced he was built compared to most other forwards in the draft. I love that he is a playmaking center and isn’t inept defensively. Of course as far as TPE goes he is tied for the most too. Why is he down at 6 again?
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#20

5.) Eustachian, Eustace

[Image: stachewithfro100608.jpg]
You know you want me.

Username: CourageTheCowardlyDog
Position: Defense
Shoots: Right
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 220lbs

Top attributes, defense (90), checking (85.33), skating (80), endurance (80), strength (80), puck handling (80).

I know, I’m a horrible person for slotting myself so high but there is quite a bit of logic to it. First of all, I have made the most money out of any junior this season. Secondly, I have done all but one point task this year. Thirdly I have two jobs right now and together they will make me 7.5 million dollars this off season. Also I personally love my build, I mean I’m not biased or anything here. Since the beginning I said I was a big hard hitting defenseman and I have lived up to those expectations leading the league in shot blocks and coming in second in hits. I didn’t have a great plus/minus this year, but Detroit really didn’t play to expectations either. A big reason why I put me higher than Reinhart though is the fact that defense is at a premium in this draft and many teams are looking to draft defensemen. As such, my stock might be slightly higher than his.

4.) Esparza-Ovaldson, Isabella

[Image: Otlm0.jpg]

Username: Tim Bisley
Position: Left Wing
Shoots: Right
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 147 lbs

Top attributes, puck handling (85), scoring (85), strength (80), face offs (80).

Okay first of all, why in the hell did you put points into faceoffs when you are a left wing and your secondary position is right wing? I mean the fuck yo? I don’t like Bisley here actually, I think he/she/it should be a little lower but I feel like league wide perception has shim here. For those that don’t know, a shim is a she him. Bisley has a weird as hell build and I don’t know exactly what it’s going for. Unknown gender player does have a lot of TPE and two very important jobs in bank manager and NWJHL play by play director. Hence it’s high ranking although I do think that Reinhart is better personally because of build.

3.) Buchesner, Matthew

[Image: kid%20playing%20hockey.jpg]
What a baby.

Username: JumpierPegasus
Position: Defense
Shoots: Left
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 215 lbs

Top attributes, defense (89), strength (84), checking (81), skating (80).

Buchesner is a less bad ass version of me but, he is a junior commissioner. I.E. he isn’t going to go away anytime soon. His build is decent and much more two-way than Eustachian’s but he didn’t do great in any stat category this season except for assists. Buchesner made a good amount of money this year and already had some in the bank, so he is sitting pretty. His TPE isn’t where I expected it to be but he has done every point task and is clearly going to continue to improve his player. His high ranking position in the league bumps him way up, obviously. I haven’t seen him online as much as of late but I attribute that mostly to school.

2.) Vitkka, Tuomas

[Image: ugly-smile.jpg]

Username: HFFO
Position: Left Wing
Shoots: Left
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 175 lbs

Top attributes, scoring (94.5), puck handling (85.66), skating (83.5), strength (80).

Vitkka is widely perceived as the best player in the draft but I respectfully disagree. Don’t get me wrong he is a great sniper and a great team guy but, he’s only a sniper. HFFO is widely liked and respected around the forum but he has been well known to retire players very prematurely and that may scare away some GMs who are looking for long term solutions, not players who are only there for a season or two. Honestly as much as I would have liked to rank Vitkka lower because that’s how I roll, you can’t really justify him in a spot any lower than second. Vittka has done every point task this season and has made a decent amount of money. Due to past seasons he has a decent amount of money sitting in the bank. Another bonus for him is, everyone knows what they are getting when they draft him. While wild cards can be exciting, they aren’t normally chosen first due to their high risk. Vitkka will go first or second overall and is clearly a top player in this draft.

1.) Bauer, Christian

[Image: 5833.png&w=350&h=254]

Username: Turd Ferguson
Position: Right Wing
Shoots: Right
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 210 lbs

Top attributes, scoring (90), passing (86), skating (85), defense (81), puck handling (80).

Bauer has easily been the best player this entire season. While he isn’t as perfect financially as some other players, his build is incredible. Bauer has made a good amount of money this season and has a decent sized bank account. He is 4th in TPE with 226 but is still my pick for number one. Turd did all of his point tasks this year and dominated league wide in games. Besides that his build is very nice and one of my personal favorites. Reputation wise he is right up there with the best of them and is well known around the league as a graphics specialist. Although you wouldn’t think that being a graphics guy would factor in too much, it really does. I like Bauer and expect him to go either first or second overall.
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#21

Alright, now that I’ve ranked all the skaters it’s time to look at the top goalie attributes. Now it is obvious that goalies have less attributes than skaters and as such become better faster. Keep this in mind when comparing goalies to skaters. The goalie stats I’m going to go over are rebound control, style control, hand speed, and reaction time. Since there are only three goalies in the draft I’m going to list all of them for these four attributes.

First up is rebound control. Rebound control is pretty self-explanatory, the higher the stat is, the less likely the goalie is to give up a rebound. It is one of the most important attributes for goalies and can really make the difference between a good goalie and a great goalie.

[Image: Table98_zps3176abc3.jpg]

Well that was uninteresting to say the least…I guess next attribute…

The next attribute is style control. Style control is essentially keeping square to the shooter. This is a very important stat for goalies and is one of the primary factors in whether or not a goalie makes a save.

[Image: Table99_zps93430705.jpg]

Okay this is less than interesting right now….

My next attribute is….nevermind I just looked ahead and they all have 80 in hand control too. Basically all of the goalies in the draft are built exactly the same. That said, I would rank the goalies differently than most.

3.) Prikulis, Lauris

[Image: HngAGq2fyRU.jpg]
I searched Prikulis and this is what came up. The fuck are you into man?

Username: prikulis5
Position: Goalie
Glove Hand: Left
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 210 lbs

Okay before I continue with my analysis of goalies it’s important to note the following. Goalies’ height and weight does not effect their likelihood of making saves, rather the size attribute is what takes this place instead. Now, continuing on, I like Prikulis, he is a chill dude. He will be a good goalie in this league someday but he just isn’t better than the other two goalies in this particular draft.

2.) Aalto, Mika

[Image: Braces-altoids-1027376_500_658.jpg]
No wonder you wanted to be a goalie so bad...[/img]

Username: drodger91
Position: Goalie
Shoots: Left
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 215 lbs

If Aalto was still doing lots of articles he would be the best goalie in the draft but his article production has dropped immensely as the season has continued. The fact that he has a job as an updater is an important thing to note and he will likely be a good goalie someday, but I don’t think he is the best goalie in the draft like everyone else seems to. Don’t get me wrong, I can see why someone would think that, but his article production this season and current bank account balance completely contradict that.

1.) Aittokallio, Jakub

[Image: gay_man469x625.png]
[i]Hey cutie


Username: JayWhy75
Position: Goalie
Shoots: Right
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 217 lbs

My homeboy JayWhy. Now I didn’t just rank JayWhy first in goalies because he is one cool mother fucker, I ranked him first because he has worked and deserves it. He has made the second most money this season of any junior and many members will likely recognize him from his series of Forbes articles ranking the most valuable teams in the SHL. In the locker room this guy is just the definition of positive, since he has joined the Falcons our S12 discussion has gone from dead to decently active. I personally would be shocked if any GM selected another goalie before Jakub.
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#22

Now that I’ve gone over all of the players and talked about who I think is the best, I want to briefly touch base on each team and what they may be looking to get out of this draft. Also I just want to note that JayWhy helped me to do the research for this part.

First up are the Hamilton Steelhawks. They are a pretty freaking good team. They have an incredible defensive core, their top3 centers are amazing, and their top 9 scoring is just sick. The only real weak point I can see for the Steelhawks is their goaltending. Andersson intends to retire and they don’t really have a solid good guy to step into that position. They have Winters, but his activity has been sporadic.

The Hartford Hydras are just overall a very bad team. They have an okay top line. Yeah, that’s it. With Nando having gone MIA and a quick GM switch this could be a very defining off season for the Hydras. I think that the moves they make now will tell us whether this team is doomed to suck forever, or whether they have a chance at climbing back to the top.

The Manhattan Rage have a sexual defensive game. The remind me of the Nashville Predators last year. You’re not going to score on them, but they might not score on you either. Offensively the Rage are majorly lacking and they need some punch in their top 6.

The Minnesota Chiefs are potential champions again. Obviously any team that makes it to the finals is pretty solid all around. Well now imagine that said team also gets the first overall pick. That’s where the Chiefs are sitting right now. Minnesota’s only real weakness is their player’s age. Skvoznak is retiring and Doran is approaching retirement. They are from a rebuilding team, but this first overall pick can help solidify them as championship contenders for seasons to come.

The Toronto North stars have one of the best forward cores in the league and one of my personal favorite things in hockey, grit. The problem is, their goaltending situation is iffy at best. Honcho is regressing already and the goalie they got last year who was supposed to be their answer has been…less than the most active. Add on the fact that their defense looks a bit like Swiss cheese and the North Stars don’t look so good anymore.

The West Kendall Platoon are sitting pretty with young prospects. Right now they aren’t doing the greatest, but they have a solid future. They kind of remind me of the Edmonton Oilers in a sense. The biggest problem with the Platoon is that they have a whole locker room full of Sean Averys. That’s right, most of their teams character is…questionable at best. This raises some red flags for them when it comes to free agency. The best way for them to continue to build is going to be through the draft.

The Calgary Dragons have some amazing defensive depth, but after their top three forwards the talent pool really drops off. To add to their woes Jesster has been regressing and it’s time to start looking for a goalie to eventually take his place. The dragons might end up entering a rebuild soon unless they can some good moves to retool their offense and goalie situation.

The Edmonton Blizzard are in a really bad spot right now. Their defensive depth is astounding and their top six forwards are good too. Where’s the bad? Corcoran opted out of his contract this year, which means he may be leaving. This leaves a huge, massive, ugly gaping hole in their roster that they need to fill. Whether that’s through the draft or through trading is yet to be seen, but they need to fix it ASAP.

The Las Vegas Kings have one of the best younger goalies right now. They also have some beautiful high end top forwards and defense. After that though, they have essentially nothing. Right now the Kings only have two natural centers in their lineup. I fully expect them to draft the best available center when they pick second overall. Even then all their depth woes won’t be fixed though.

The Los Angeles Panthers are in a kind of depressing situation. Their GM got fired for not acting how a GM should and now Taron has been put in charge of the team. I certainly hope he is up for a challenge because right now the Panthers have no top 4 defenders, only 3 legit forwards, and no goalie. On the bright side the Panthers do have 6 picks in the first 2 rounds of this year’s draft so hopefully that can help them start this rebuild.

The Texas Renegades have some pretty top six forwards and a goalie who has finally proven himself to be at playoff caliber. Other than that their roster is lacking. According to all evidence in the history of ever, they seem to be losing Valentine to free agency. After he/she/it and Richan their defense is kind of…not good. To add, a lot of their players are either already in regression or entering regression very soon.

The Winnipeg Jets are looking hella good and might win the cup this year. I dug through their roster to try to find problems, but really they have some great veterans infused with some fresh young talent. I think that the Jets will look to draft best player available, and history tells us that they aren’t afraid to take questionable characters.
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#23

Really nice work. Ilike

[Image: 0QGickG.png]

Riot Player Page Riot
Militia Update Page Militia
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#24

Alright now it’s the part you’ve all actually been waiting for, the cock draft. Based on all of the research I’ve done above this is how I expect the draft to go.

First round
1. Chiefs Minnesota Chiefs (via Hartford Hydras) – Christian Bauer
Turd Ferguson’s last player was on the Chiefs so they know what he is like. They are losing Skvoznak and Wagner so they take one of the top forwards in the draft who, for all intents and purposes, is a sure bet.
2. :kings: Las Vegas Kings – Rufus Reinhart
A great match in my not so humble opinion. Reinhart is the best available center without a doubt after Bauer and I really truly love his build. The Kings need all sorts of forward depth and Reinhart is a huge step in the right direction for them.
3. Panthers Los Angeles Panthers - Matthew Buchesner
Okay the Panthers are probably going with a defender here and as much as I would like it to be me just because of draft position, I think they will go with Buchesner. It’s not an easy pick for them but I think it’s the right one.
4. Platoon West Kendall Platoon – Eustace Eustachian
Don’t view this as me tooting my own horn, but the Platoon need defense. Their first choice would have been Buchesner but with him going it comes down to either picking me or going for a forward. They take Eustachian to fill a major positional need.
5. :kings: Las Vegas Kings (via Texas Renegades) - Toumas Vitkka
This is highway robbery at its best if Vitkka actually does fall this far, but I do have my doubts. Regardless the Kings go best player available here.
6. Stars Toronto North Stars (via Manhattan Rage) – Jakub Aitokokokokokoliolo I forgot how to spell it
I think we see the Stars take the first goalie of the draft here. They really need to sure up that position in their line up and now would be a great time to do so.
7. Panthers Los Angeles Panthers (via Calgary Dragons) – Isabella Esparza-Ovaldsson
The Panthers still need defense but they also need good forwards too. With the top 2 defenders off the table in the draft they go with Esparza-Ovaldsson. Remember they have made it really clear that they are trying to rebuild this team’s good name and are taking high character players. Ovaldsson fits the bill perfectly having two jobs in the league and being well liked.
8. Renegades Texas Renegades (via Hamilton Steelhawks) – Ryan Haan
Despite my laments in this article about how sub-par Haan actually is, I still think he goes here. The fact of the matter is, you know exactly what you are getting from him and that sureness and stability will attract some GMs.
9. Blizzard Edmonton Blizzard – Mike Aalto
The Blizzard need a goalie bad and take the best one available at this point. Aalto isn’t exactly SHL ready yet, but depending on how things go he may be thrust into a starting spot right away.
10. Stars Toronto North Stars – Bohemund Hadrada
Look the North Stars have great offense, but they are really lacking defensively. For this reason they go with the next best defender in the draft in Hadrada. They may take Karlsson here, but I think that’s the right move for them.
11. Jets Winnipeg Jets – Victor Ansev
Working under the assumption that the Chiefs are going to win the finals, the Jets will pick here. Like I said before they aren’t afraid of guys with questionable character so they take Ansev.
12. Chiefs Minnesota Chiefs – Adam Johansson
I don’t know if he will actually fall this far but I wouldn’t be shocked if he did. I just want you all to stop and think about something. If this is how the draft goes down, in one season the Chiefs won the cup and got the two best power forwards in the draft. Craziness.
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#25

Quote:Originally posted by malcontentcapsfan@Mar 28 2013, 02:50 PM
Really nice work. Ilike
of course you like it, I wrote it
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#26

I also want to give mad props to Kickz for helping me make the tables and to JayWhy for helping me with research
Also I promised my team mate Martin Walker (Roadtrip) I would give him a shout out too since his activity has been on the incline of late
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#27

Quote:Originally posted by The Cock Report@Mar 28 2013, 02:53 PM
I also want to give mad props to Kickz for helping me make the tables and to JayWhy for helping me with research
Also I promised my team mate Martin Walker (Roadtrip) I would give him a shout out too since his activity has been on the incline of late

KICKZ <3

Tongue

Great job on this Courage Smile

btw it's Johansson not Johansen Wink

[Image: NCQjJT2.png]
Berserkers     -       syndicate      -     Berserkers
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#28

Quote:Originally posted by JmanPens19@Mar 28 2013, 02:57 PM


KICKZ <3

Tongue

Great job on this Courage Smile

btw it's Johansson not Johansen Wink
I will call him whatever the hell I want to call him and you will like it
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#29

Quote:Originally posted by JmanPens19@Mar 28 2013, 02:57 PM


KICKZ <3

Tongue

Great job on this Courage Smile

btw it's Johansson not Johansen Wink
Johansson can't complain when I was listed at the end as Aitokokokokokoliolo. Haha

It was really great and I'm happy to have helped as much as I could. Thank you for ranking me as the top goalie and saying I'm a good LR guy. You're an awesome teammate, and I loved reading this buddy.

An old man's dream ended. A young man's vision of the future opened wide. Young men have visions, old men have dreams. But the place for old men to dream is beside the fire.
[Image: DOF5tXM.png]
[Image: tjyuut.jpg] 
Thanks to Jackson, Copenhagen, and Harry Hans!

GOING DOWN IN STYLE. TOAST4LYFE
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#30

Quote:Originally posted by JayWhy75@Mar 28 2013, 03:00 PM

Johansson can't complain when I was listed at the end as Aitokokokokokoliolo. Haha

It was really great and I'm happy to have helped as much as I could. Thank you for ranking me as the top goalie and saying I'm a good LR guy. You're an awesome teammate, and I loved reading this buddy.
you know you're getting lazy writing something when instead scrolling up to find the right spelling you just throw a bunch of k's and o's into the word
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