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ON THIS MORNING’S BROADCAST:
Game 196 of Season 30 the SMJHL....

Colorado Mammoths VS Halifax Raiders
1 VS 3 </div>

[There’s a lot of noise, like someone’s fiddling with the microphone -- maybe moving it to a different height -- before a tentative voice speaks out into the darkness of the WFAN radiowaves.]

UNKNOWN: H-hello? Is this -- Les, can you give me a thumbs up from the control booth if this is broadcasting?
[pause]
UNKNOWN: We are? You sure?
[another pause]
UNKNOWN: OK, thanks. And -- uh, hi. Out there. Welcome to Cooter and Barton’s SMJHL Post-Game Show. I’m -- well, obviously, I’m not Cooter. Or Barton, for that matter. I’m Arnie Jacquoeuf, intern here at -- uh -- at WFAN. Coots and Barts are on the road for tonight’s game in Vancouver, the last game of Halifax’s regular season, so I’m uh -- here doing an abridged version of their regular morning show. Hopefully nobody calls in threatening my life. [quietly, as if the mic is covered] Les, can you roll the music queue for the game stats please?
[pause]
JACQUOEUF: What do you mean, there’s no music queue -- do they not --
[there is a weird honking noise that plays over the air without explanation]
JACQUOEUF: That was -- that was a fucking Canada Goose, Leslie. Do you have nothing --
[suddenly a dramatic newsdesk music begins to play, and an equally dramatic announcing voice… that sounds just like Arnie’s except modulated to a ridiculously low timbre… come over the air]

<div align="center">THE STARTING LINE-UP FOR GAME 196 OF THE SMJHL
FOR THE VISITING TEAM AT THE SCOTIA BANK CENTER, WE HAVE…
CURTIS ALLISON... in Goal!
BEN DOVER and MAVERICK O’DOOLEY... first out for the defense!
And TARO EICHELELE &copy;, SIM BROWSKI (LW), and FRONTDOOR MCGRAW (RW) … as your starting offense, for the
<span style='font-size:13pt;line-height:100%'>COLORADO MAMMOTHS </span>

FOR THE HOMETOWN HEROES, WE HAVE…
GEORGETTE PEL... in Goal!
BLAKE BATTLE and COLIN BANNING... first out for the defense!
And JEAN-LUC REFLIEUX &copy;, CLEO GREEN (LW), and REED LAING (RW)... as your starting offense, for the
HAAAAAALIFAX RAIDERS </div>

[The music ends as abruptly as it started.]

JACQOEUF: Right. Well. [clears throat] On to the summary of the game! The first period found the Raiders steamrolling the Mammoths right out of the gate, both in terms of face-off wins, puck control, and shots -- as the Raiders clocked a whopping 11 shots to the Mammoth's paltry single shot during the duration of the period. The discrepancy was reflected in the scoring as well, as Halifax tucked away two goals, the first thanks to Joey Ryan at the 7:21 mark, the second courtesy of the Halifax captain extraordinaire, JLR Himself at what was almost the 19th minute. Neither goal was a powerplay conversion, despite Colorado giving up a minor early in the period, and the episode of fisticuffs between Blake Battle and Martin Svensson, fought to a toughed-out draw three-quarters of the way through the period. The second period had the only Colorado goal of the game, punched in by Eichelele on the powerplay at just around the 15 minute mark. The period itself was rife with sin-bin offenders, Colorado picking up two minor penalties for the period. Not to be out-done, however, Halifax put up three minor penalties throughout the period themselves, including the hooking call on Alexsander Komarov that netted the Mammoth's the powerplay goal. The third period was an exercise in goonery on both sides, something that Halifax has a storied history of excelling at, much to Colorado's demise this game. 12 total PIMs in the third period, no majors -- although enough on Colorado's part to allow Halifax a two-goal lead which eventually secured them the game. The third goal, on a powerplay, belonged to Halifax's rookie Alex Reed, who took full advantage of Tord Yvel's time-out to knock one into the net at 7:39. The Raiders thoroughly out-shot, out-hit, and out-tricked the Mammoth's players into giving up the game on Raider's home ice.

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Quote:Brought to you by Scotia Bank, our Game #196 highlight of the night was Komarov's incredible powerplay goal -- where he threaded and swooped his way past a middling and exhausted Colorado defense. Available only online for our webcast blog users this morning!

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JACQOEUF: I guess -- uh. I guess we can check the Coots and Barts Twitter hashtag now to see if there are any folks looking to ask us questions this morning? I -- what, Leslie, I turned the headset off, can you --
[pause]
JACQOEUF: Well, I'm sure they can't be that bad, just put them on the screen for me to read, and let me be the judge of that, yeah? I -- just, put the first one you can find up, OK, I'll deal with it when -- when I read it, is this? OK, this is the first one? From Twitter user @JLRLVRBOI, who writes --

Quote:"Who the fk r u asshole and how fking suk must it be to know u were born a jack-off hahaha #CootsandBarts" -- JLRLVRBOI

JACQOEUF: ... Well, Mr. JLR... Lover... Boi. Uh. That's pretty fucking rude of you to say, to be honest. The interns here make this shit-house of a radio show, I'll have you know, and -- yeah, OK, Les, just. Just give me another one please.
[pause]
JACQOEUF: This message is from Twitter user @BlueLineBeaut, who writes --

Quote:"Aww u sound so cute, are you in high school? I didn't know it was bring your kids to work day at WFAN #CootsandBarts" -- BlueLineBeaut

JACQOEUF: For your information, I'm a 24-year-old Masters of Broadcast Design student at Dalhousie University, and you, Miss or Mister BlueLineBeaut, can fuck right back off to the Bible Hill Estates trailer home you came from. Give me the next one, Leslie.
[pause]
JACQOEUF: Give. Me. The. Next. On -- thank you, Leslie. Twitter user @hotdogfrank5 writes --

Quote:"Vancouver fucking rules bitch! Eat dixxxx 8=====D~~~~~" -- hotdogfrank5

JACQOEUF: The Raiders didn't even play the Whalers -- that's tonight. Also, there's no #CootsandBarts hashtag in this tweet Leslie, did you think I wouldn't notice that shit? I swear to Christ, you know my blood pressure is sensitive, this is why I'm a producer on this show, not a goddamn broadcaster. If you want to finish the full 30 minute segment, you get your ass down from the booth to do it, because I am fucking done. Don't think I don't see you laughing in there Les -- you can mute your mic, but you can't hide your fucking face from me --

[The show suddenly cuts to commercial break.]