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****LIVE FROM PACIFIC ARENA IN VANCOUVER, ON****
197 of Season 30 in the SMJHL, Last Game of the Season for the Halifax Raiders

Halifax Raiders VS Vancouver Whalers
3 VS 10 </div>

COOTER: Well, we’re live from Vancouver -- surprisingly enough Jackson agreed to budget this trip for us, which I don’t know if you know how much tickets into Vancouver cost when we bought them last weekend, but that’s super big bucks for WFAN.
BARTON: Yeah man, it was almost two grand, and we flew coach! Can you fucking believe it?
COOTER: Well, this season there’s been a resurgence of the interest in the SMJHL not in small part due to one of the contenders this evening --
BARTON: Hah. Contender. Right.
COOTER: As the Halifax Raiders’ outreach and media teams have done a truly fantastic job reorienting their fanbase with the bold new faces -- some newer than others -- of the franchise that hasn’t seen anything but waning ticket sales and middling hockey achievements since season 26 when Halifax took the Four Cup Home after thoroughly trashing Kelowna in a short but sweet 4 game series.
BARTON: Yeah, well, all that build up for a 10 to 3 loss against the Whalers, the game closed out not even 10 minutes ago -- Vancouver fans ecstatic here tonight.

[As if to punctuate Barton’s point, a group of people passes by the vicinity of microphone chanting “GEEET FUUUUCKED HAAAALIFAAAAX” in half-delirious and drunken joy.]

COOTER: Classy.
BARTON: You can understand why they’re happy though, the Vancouver captain Jon Ross has been talked about fairly openly in major media now, he’s not likely to return back down to Vancouver after the season he’s had -- instead staying up in Buffalo with a permanent position on their lines.
COOTER: This game was one hell of a book-end to Ross’ juniors career, the man himself had a beast of a game, with four goals, four assists -- yes, no really, eight points -- 20 out of 29 face offs in his favor, and blocked shot and a hit tossed as party favors.
BARTON: That was a world class performance from him tonight, it really, really was.
COOTER: Very hard to argue that.

[From somewhere in the distance, “Brass Bonanza” can be heard -- oddly enough, it sounds like it’s actually being played live; not with a full band, but it doesn’t sound like it’s a recording. The sound of the music track gets louder and louder, the instruments weirder and weirder.]

COOTER: In case you're wondering what you're -- ah, what you're hearing here, it appears to be --
BARTON: Thirty members of the Whalers Boosters Club playing Brass Bonanza on kazoos, with a full complement of paint bucket drums. Can't argue their team spirit.
COOTER: Nope. That's definitely not in question. Are you done getting your hot-dog, by the way? We need to try to get to get downstairs to the visiting lockerooms before everyone clears out.
BARTON: You can't rush a man's hot dog.
COOTER: You can, actually, if you just refuse to put that much goddamn relish on the thing -- but, anyway, how about that game, huh? Halifax, outshot 40-fucking-6 to 12 by Vancouver, a hat-trick a piece for Conklin Owen and Jon Ross --
BARTON: I mean, honestly, the three goals -- one a piece a period -- scored by Halifax felt more like the team trying to piss into a canyon than anything else, their defensive game completely deserted them tonight.
COOTER: So much so that it was, at times, hard to watch the Raiders struggling to maintain their composure in the face the Whalers simply playing another class of hockey tonight.

[The ambient background noise gets much quieter, and much more echo-prone, as it sounds like Cooter and Barton are walking down a stadium stairwell.]

COOTER: Just a heads up here, in case we loose you all on the podcast, we're just heading downstairs to hopefully chat with some of the Raiders players before they leave the building -- if we do cut out because we're deep in the concrete of the Pac Arena here, we'll resume short -- as we -- hope but it's impossible to say --
BARTON: -- disgraceful attempt at maintaining the net -- playing like a pee-wee ---

[WFAN's Cooter and Barton theme music cuts in for about a minute, before resuming live audio.]

BARTON: Did she just --
COOTER: I think we're broadcasting again, Barts.
BARTON: Well, once again we’re live from -- from the last game of Halifax’s regular season and Georgette Pel has just stormed away from us.
COOTER: Don’t make her seem so dramatic, man --
BARTON: There’s -- I’m not, she legit told us “no fucking comment,” and then walked away from the press only area.
COOTER: You’re maligning her character.
BARTON: She’s the big girl using the big girl words --
COOTER: Give her some leeway, it was a terrible way to end the season -- your last game a record loss, with only 20 starts for the season, five goals against not even half-way through the second period, and she’s still just a teenager man, like --
BARTON: This is still a professional league, when is the last time you heard someone curse at us like that during an interview?
COOTER: Probably Monday, when Ieuan Llewellyn called into the show pretending to be a fan, telling us we'd won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes grand prize of fifty cocks in our mouth --
BARTON: OK -- that, that’s a fair point, oh -- fuck, dude, grab Hocolate he’s --

[Halifax goaltender Richard C. Hocolate exits the locker room looking suave, well put-together, and completely unaffected by the game. Barton dashes towards him, ducking under boom mics and through recording crowds of reporters who seem appropriately annoyed at his intrusion. He gets to Hocolate just before he leaves the press area, and grabs him by the elbow -- pushes his mic into Hocolate’s personal space when he turns around.]

BARTON: Richard, I’m Marty Barton, of the Cooter and Barton Juniors Review on WFAN, could I have a few words?

Quote:[b]RCH: Yeah su-Wait, your last name is Cooter? Are you just asking for people to laugh at you?[/b]

COOTER:How do you explain the abysmal end to Halfiax’s season?
BARTON: This can’t have been how you wanted things to end for you here in Nova Scotia -- any particular target for your frustrations?

Quote:[b]RCH: that's a dumb question. Hali’s season ain't fucking over. This is just the beginning. Playoffs where it really counts, and we’re coming to win that shit![/b]

BARTON: After the showing she had tonight, how safe to you feel leaving Halifax in Georgette Pel’s hands?

Quote:[b]RCH: She ain't getting rid of me yet. I'm still eligible for one more season down here in the minors before hit the big stage with Calgary. By the time I’m gone, Pel will be the best damn goalie you've ever even in the SMJHL, you can book that.[/b]

COOTER: How is tonight’s loss gonna affect your play in the upcoming run for the Four Star Cup? Do you think your team can pull it together in time?

Quote:[b]RCH: one game isn't gonna make or break us, come on. We've been playing well of late besides this, and added some very good pieces for a playoff run. We've been ready.[/b]

COOTER: You offer a unique view regarding team performance sitting crow’s nest in the crease -- what did you see happen during your half of the game tonight? Could this points slaughter have been prevented?

Quote:[b]RCH: Well, I can tell you that I was still a little buzzed from my pre-game, so I don't remember much until the third period. But really it just seemed like we were taking it really easy. It's one thing to rest for the playoffs, but we still gotta show up.[/b]

BARTON: Do you think Halifax has a snowball’s chance in hell of being Detroit?

Quote:[b]RCH: Well our chances are a lot better than the chances of you getting laid, let's just say that.[/b]

BARTON: Hey now, my wife is a perfectly satisfied lady I'll have you --
COOTER: Dude, just fucking stop. Mr. C. Hocolate, is a rematch against Vancouver something you’d like to see? Is redemption something you want this team to reach for, and if you guys are given another shot at Vancouver -- ostensibly in the finals -- how do you hope to beat them?

Quote:[b]RCH: We really don't care here in Hali. Everyday is a new day, forget the game last night and go forward. Whoever we win the cup against is fine with us. As for how I wanna beat them? Fucking shutouts, boi! That's always the goal.[/b]

BARTON: [sounding deeply sarcastic] Your suave give-no-fucks attitude has heralded in a whole fresh wave of Halifax fans this season, despite your arguably sub-par performance --
COOTER: He’s -- shut up Barts -- you wanna say anything inspiration to the disappointed fans out there listening in tonight? Any final words of wisdom?

Quote:[b]RCH: Sub-par???? You calling the goalie who got a shutout in his first ever SHL start sub-par??? You calling the goalie who tied the record for most shutouts in an SMJHL season sub-par?? How the hell did you get a job, man? Anyways, all I can say to the fans is keep up hope and wait for the playoffs, because when we play Detroit we’re gonna bend them over and I’ll stick this whole goalie stick up McSieve’s ass![/b]

BARTON: Are you worried that your chirping could be construed as...
COOTER: Well, I guess he's not, if him also now walking away from us is any indication. You have a way with the goalies, Barts.
BARTON: How is this my fault?



COOTER: You could generally try and antagonize them less, especially two of them with as much of a reputation for being characters as Pel and Hocolate do.
BARTON: Some of the greatest journalistic exploits in history, Coots, began with boys who had the balls to fuck with the greatest hockey characters of our time.
COOTER: Just don't yell for help when Hocolate finally snaps and decides to actually light you on fire and stuff you back in the dumpster you crawled out of.
BARTON: If Dicky Chocolate knows where my mom lives, I've got bigger problems that than that -- what --

[Loud groaning can be heard.]

COOTER: You're fucking disgusting, and this broadcast is going to commercial.