This is based off of a series a YouTube called UrinatingTree does, where he basically hates on every team that makes the playoffs. This is a satire, so please don’t hate on me if your team gets especially slagged off.
With the playoff teams being set and only seeds to be jockeyed for, I decided to take a look at each playoff team.


WESTERN CONFERENCE

Texas Renegades

Well, here’s something we weren’t expecting. You were expected to miss the playoffs. You have a core led by old men in Sven Karlsson, Lord Vader, Jack Durden, and Conklin Owen. Now, you’ve pulled a great regular season out of your ass, and here you are, sitting top of the West, with a Presidents Trophy sure to come. The big question here is, will you be another San Francisco? We all remember that in S38 San Francisco dominated the league and won the Presidents Trophy, only to lose in the first round to Calgary in 5 games. Is this you? You better hope for god’s sake that it isn’t. You should have the experience to get by. Karlsson and Vader are retiring, but you’ve already got replacements for them in Thé (Tea in English) Dude and Colton Hagan. The goalkeeping has been ok, but Ekaterina Rudnikova and Freddie LaFlame isn’t a scary goalie tandem. This could be your year. Don’t fuck it up.

Calgary Dragons

We have yet another old-ass team led by the Chicken Parm god himself in Esa Anrikkanen. However, this is a team we’re not surprised to see. Calgary always make the playoffs, and this year was no different. This team was led by Joe Kurczewski and Dani Forsberg, two young(ish) players who should be with the team for years to come, and good goalkeeping from Richard C. Hocolate. Plus, you have some promising young talent in Mike Izzy, Louie Garret (freshly signed from the hellhole that is Seattle) and Roman Augustus. But the real question is, can the old men perform? Kurczewski and Forsberg shouldn’t have to carry old men like Anrikkanen, Alex Mack, and Michael Boychuk, but that seems to be happening, as the old guys still put up 20-point seasons, but look slower and slower by the minute. I don’t think they can keep up. But a Calgary-Winnipeg series would be interesting to see, and most people will hope that it happens. Yet again, this could be your year. Don’t fuck it up.

Winnipeg Jets

The Jets also have a relatively old core, but the differenve between these two teams is that the Jets’ old stars can actually perform well. Visser, Evans, and Volkova have been the stars, Artom Zhumbayev has been a stud in net, and Isaac Cormier-Hale and Max Weber are stars on the defense. But is there enough depth? You’ve got an aging Kyle Kylrad, two very unproven players in Vijanupatan Singh and Maurizio Arrivabene, a struggling Crossfit Jesus (who is still hated in Manhattan because he’s a snake), and retiring players like Elyk and Luke Fleming. They’re going to struggle, but should give whoever they play a good fight.

Edmonton Blizzard

Finally, a team with a promising young core. You’ve got a nice mix of young (Tigole Bitties, Teddy Cuddles, Hercules Rockefeller, Connor Tanner, Tor Tuck) and old (Reinis Aumeisters, Niklaus Scholz, Michael McFadden, Ace Redding). Don’t sleep on this team. They have enough depth and talent to make a good run, and if you do sleep on them, they will fuck you up. The one problem here probably is Connor Tanner’s attitude. That’s the true X-factor. It’s been well documented that Tanner is a huge dick. But has he changed? Insiders say he has, but I’m not sure. If he has, the team chemistry bodes well. If he hasn’t, the team will sink. This is going to be very interesting.

Eastern Conference

Hamilton Steelhawks

This is a team that’s built well through the draft. They’ve picked up all of their stars through the draft, and only got stronger when they traded for Connor Blackwell. But the rookie has been awful. He’s only scored 7 points. However, that shouldn’t matter. This is a team built for a deep run. They have good depth, a nice goalie in Jay Bae, and the stars to boot. Just pray to Simon T. that he doesn’t fuck you and you’ll be good. This is likely your first in a line of chances to win a cup. Don’t worry if you fuck this up.

West Kendall Platoon

This is another team with a good mix of old and new. Even though Mikko Linna is in regression, and Trevor Wilson is about to hit it, you’ve got young guys like Dionys Vyskoč and Gabriel Wong ready to take their places. You’ve also got a very talented young goalie in Beaujeaux Biscuit. West Kendall should make the conference finals. From there, it’s anyone’s game.

New England Wolfpack

How many times have you missed the playoffs recently? None. This is a team that always makes the playoffs, and always will give you a run for their money. Oisin Fletcher has had a breakout season. Dieter Dominique, Mia Landvik, Raven Silvering, and Patrikov Bure are still scoring. The real question is with goalie. Sure, Mikke Laukkanen is a good goalie. But he’s old, and he’s been in regression for a while. You don’t have a very good backup too. Get that figured out, and you’re golden. If it isn’t, you are fucked.

and, the final team,

Minnesota Chiefs

You need to get your shit together. Sure, you’re the reigning Challenge Cup champions. That doesn’t mean you had to slack in the regular season. You’re lucky you’re in the East. Manhattan was riding up your ass all season long. Yes, you have a great goalie in Olli O’Koivu. Yes, Sebastian Strange and Alonzo Garbanzo are playing well. And yes, Isak Ødegård has taken a huge step forward. But y’all really need to get your shit together, because you’re gonna be in for one hell of a ride.

That’s it I guess. Not gonna make any predictions because I’m not jinxing anyone, and Simon T. is always random.
Remember, this is satire. I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings here, just wanna make people laugh.