Curvy hockey player seeks smart person with handsome toes for shitposting, eating and maybe more

And now for something completely different.
Hello lads and ladies! I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be one of them?
I'm a horny kind of chap, who likes nothing more than shitposting with the right person.
None of my current partners understand me. I need to meet somebody special - somebody I really connect with.
The first thing people usually notice about me is my kinky personality, closly followed by my smashing pee pee. I'm the man for you, if you like great pee pee and hair, particularly combined with ample baby oil.
I work as a hockey player, helping fat guys watching TV. This allows me to exercise my skills: washing dishes and cutting hair.
My life goals include:

• Meet Hilary Clinton
  
• Fall in love with you
  
• Become the best hockey player I can be
  
• Help all the fat guys watching TV in the world
  

If you're the right person for me, you'll be smart and bold. You won't be afraid to dance and will have a healthy respect for perfection.
My ideal date would involve eating in Ireland with a dirty person by my side. While we're there, I admire your handsome toes whilst feeling I'm the luckiest man on the planet.
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?

Light me fire, babe

Sober Teddy