Lets use our imagination a bit here. Lets say that Toronto was able to skate into the playoffs rocking a 25 win season, defying everyone's expectations and test sims. ML and Ursin have somehow figured out how to make their low TPE team keep the shots against down and, while not shooting much, they made their shots count. The SHL is stunned by their entrance. Tampa Bay, West Kendall, and Chicago are livid at their ranking and the rest of the league is watching this Cinderella story unfold. Toronto comes into round 1 and eeks out a win in 7 games. They then take round 2 in 5. Is it possible? Could it be that Toronto is going to defy all odds and actually have a shot at this thing? They start the series with a 2-1 record and may just be able to make it happen. But out of nowhere Texas comes back (see what I did there?) and takes the cup in 6 by an amazing shot by the least likely player of all. The one and only Slowpoke.

But who am I kidding. Slowpoke couldn't find the net with a gps.

3 TPE


While I think there will be some shakeups due to the learning process all teams went through, I don't think the redistribution is going to be a major factor in the standings. As teams are getting older and retirement and regression will hit everyone to some extent. But lets not kid ourselves, The Steelhawks have been showing strong for a few seasons now and the Wolfpack and the Panthers will also be putting up a strong showing throughout. From the Texas side we are definitely growing as a young team, making some great moves, and will surely be reworking our builds and lines to try to pick up the pace. I fully expect Texas to rise through the ranks and will be more of a threat than last season and will continue to grow throughout. I also believe the change for stamina is going to help a ton as that is something that really hurt the low TPE players and will hopefully make it easier to move things up.

6 TPE



This is really a lay up. The Bachelor is a perfect place to show off and have a great time. That show looks like a blast. Get to spend some quality time with some beautiful women in an exotic location and with the focus on yours truly. We go on crazy trips, have some awesome food, and just enjoy ourselves. What's not to like?

The one catch is Ivan is an ugly bastard. He'd more likely be a guest star on Dirty Jobs or something. Is that show still on? Mike Rowe is a badass and Maximus has some experience working with shitty plumbing...

8 TPE


For Hamilton we'll have to go with a pork based concession product for sure. I'm going to say it'll be an all pork hot dog (beef is for losers) wrapped in bacon and baked in pig fat. Once cooked, it'll be chopped up and topped with the smoked ham and pork butt for all you can stand pork dish. But rather than serving on a hot dog bun, it can be served on some fried spicy pork rinds and served in a bbq sauce lathered hockey helmet with no fork or napkin. Fans must eat it with their hands although it is big enough to share between 3 people we aren't worried about no stinking germs. It's a hockey game. Think of the KFC double down type of meat centric food but Hamilton's PR team will take it to a new level and show that this is really what's been giving the players the edge the past few seasons. Advertisements will show Flacko Lagerfield covered in BBQ sauce as he devours a helmet of pork in the locker room between periods. Tig Murphy and Aaron Wilson are slightly more health conscious and share a helmet, but do so feeding each other wedding cake style. Those things will fly off the shelves!

11 TPE



B. Balance and strength are huge stats in FHM. I believe they were undervalued early on but as the season went on and you start looking at the top performing players you realize that these two stats really do give an edge. While speed and acceleration definitely have their place on the ice, being able to withstand hits and keep puck control is crucial and those turnovers can make a game for you.

D. Snow sucks. It was great when you are a kid and get days off and can go play in the snow, sled, and have snowball fights, but as an adult it's just an annoyance. You still gotta work and now you also have to shovel the walkway, dig the cars out, and put salt everywhere so you don't die. Snow really is the worst and anyone that likes it must be brain damaged from a prior slip down the stairs.

13 TPE



Cheese

16 TPE