Vancouver’s Record Tarnished by Coach Who Cannot See Ice While Behind Bench
By Leo Sportsinterviews, Sports Desk

To say that this season didn’t go to plan for the Vancouver Whalers is a massive understatement.  Coming in with a sophomore goalie with a previous track record of getting red-hot, an improved, more active defensive core with two seasoned veterans at the helm, and a new platoon of well-balanced, active rookies on offense being mentored by veteran forward and Vancouver Co William Hartmann, Vancouver was poised to take steps forward this season.  Instead of grasping that playoff spot that they narrowly missed in season 53, the Whalers fell into the abyss, stringing together a series of losses longer than War and Peace.  Now that the season is winding down, Vancouver has traded away much of their top talent in exchange for draft picks, and the team has been all but relegated to the sole role of spoiler.  How did the outcome of the season differ so much from the lofty expectations they had at the outset of season 54?

DMills stands 5’4” (or about 64 stacked hockey pucks) tall.  His knowledge of the game seems to be on point.  He runs practice like a madman and gets everyone in incredible shape.  But when Vancouver hits the ice for their games, it seems that they cannot make the adjustments that you would otherwise expect of a team in front of a well-seasoned coach.  Which begs the question, with the boards at 48” tall and a platoon of much taller players in front of him…is Mills unable to make adjustments mid-game because he can’t see the game at all?

We caught up with Stracimir Petrovic, a former Whaler who was forcibly ejected by the diminutive dictator of Vancouver earlier this season.

“Ya, I kind of noticed that my butt was in the way when he was pacing behind the bench, so I would scootch to the side when he was standing right behind me,” Petro said of Mills. “After a while though, I noticed that standing at 3’5” (or about 64 stacked Macbook Pros) tall, he can’t even see over the boards with us moved out of the way!  I think he got off on us moving out of the way for him anyway…kind of a little guy power move, so when I stopped doing that for him was when my days became numbered in Vancouver.”

Season ticket holders and die-hard fans of the Whalers have not lost sight of the fact that mid-game adjustments have disappeared under Mills’ tenure, although they have often lost sight of Mills himself.  A few of the upset fans were willing to talk to us about how they felt about the current trajectory of the team.  The first fan we caught up with was Jonathan Igneous, a 41 year old tobacco salesman from Surrey.

“Holy feggin shit! I was so confused as to why they allowed toddlers to be behind the bench!” Jon said of his first experience seeing Mills coaching the team. “Must be hard pressed to get actual hockey people out West here if you gotta get a three year old to coach a junior team, eh?  With that guy being 3’ (about 64 stacked pinky fingers of average size I got from Name Redacted’s basement) tall, he was liable to be stomped on by the players at any point in time.  Still, he kept howling at the players to dig in deep, pucks to the net, all that sorta shit, but couldn’t give them pointers about what strategic adjustments to make.  He for sure couldn’t see what was going on in the game.  He might have a big brain, but if he can’t get the info he needs, this team is going to stay dead in the water.”

“His aura was gigantic, I could feel it the moment I walked into the arena,” said spiritualist cult leader and season ticket holder Calypso Flowerchild of the first time she went to go see Mills coach the team. “I knew that there was new leadership, and I felt a spirit of great knowledge emanating from the locker room.  But when the team walked out…the aura was the only thing I could see!  I had to make my way to the post-game meet and greet before I could even see him!  I know my eyesight is starting to go, but when your coach is 6” (or 64 times the average sea level rise per year) tall, it is very difficult to tell when he’s standing there.  There’s no way he can tell what is going on in play, and I’m relatively sure that his team can’t hear him when he’s talking to them behind the bench.  I don’t know how he doesn’t get stepped on by those big brutes on ice.  I still think his aura is sexy though, do you have his number?”

One of the biggest critics is still currently on the team.  Name Redacted is the young phenom Vancouver goaltender who was developed in a lab.  He worked with various quantum physicists and sports scientists to develop the never before seen 5-dimentional Hyper Inverse VH goaltending stance.  In developing this, he worked with many Quantum Goaltending scientists, and picked up a few pieces of information about how the fabric of spacetime works.  From what I understand, he thinks that Mills’ inability to see the ice is the least of the negative impact the coach has on the team.  Name Redacted thinks that, perhaps, Mills’ stature is impacting the the team on a quantum level.

“I’ve seen pucks go through that should have absolutely no chance given my hyperspace positioning,” said Redacted drunkenly after a 1-0 loss to Colorado in which he saved 56 of 57.  “You’ve seen what I can do when I’m hot, you can see what I can do when my goaltending theory is allowed to work its stuff.  But weird quantum stuff starts happening when things are small enough.  And given that Mills’ mass is about 32.7 MeV (about 64 times the mass of an electron), I believe that our fearless leader is taking us through a wild adventure in quantum uncertainty.  Having 5 dimensions of the goal blocked off does nothing for me when we are jumping between different quantum universes every Planck time.  I can kind of average it out and get a good read on it sometimes, but fuck if it doesn’t mess with me.”

Looking toward next season, we can see a future where Vancouver steps onto the ice more than ready to make the playoffs.  But will Mills be able to see that future from behind the bench?  Only time will tell.