Breaking news from SHL Headquarters: 

  Commissioner SDCore steps up to the podium and addresses the media.

SDCore: It has been brought to our attention by several SHL players that they believed something had happened to SHL simmer and Baltimore GM JR. Many noticed that during the live streams of the sims there has been little to no banter from JR recently since the announcement of his stepping down as SHL simmer. The league office has been accused of a cover up in which JR has been missing for the entire season and there has in fact been a dummy SHL Simmer. Many have angrily demanded an explanation. The HO then became concerned when they reached out to JR and received no response. They asked owner Teddy to hack into the live stream and JR’s camera system since they were too not getting a response. What Teddy found was a major shock. There was an empty chair next to the computer. On the floor by the chair was a huge red stain and a shell casing. The SHL head office immediately notified the authorities and the FBI sent in special investigator Alvin Pendergast to investigate JR’s disappearance. Let me reiterate that there was no conspiracy or coverup on the part of the Head Office. JR has been alive and well and simming as usual to the best of our knowledge. As far as we know JR is alive and well and will continue simming but in the event that something ghastly has happened we do have his replacement Kalakar ready to step in if he can’t be located. I’ll now turn it over to Special Agent Pendergast.

Pendergast: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. As the commissioner explained I have been assigned to investigate the apparent disappearance of SHL simmer and GM JR. We had enough probable cause to get a search warrant of his home and the results are as follows. There is indeed what appears to be a major incident next to his computer with a large stain that appears to be blood and a shell casing. The carpet has been cut up and along with the casing sent to our FBI laboratory in Quantico for analysis. We did a diligent search of JR’s home and could find nothing else out of the ordinary, unless you could call a refrigerator full of Old Milwaukee beer out of the ordinary. There appears to be no clothing missing and nothing else appeared distressed in the home. His vehicle was found inside the garage as well and there appeared to be nothing out of the ordinary there either. Based on the evidence at hand I do believe we have an active crime scene and the FBI will be searching diligently for any sign of JR. In the meantime, I just have one question that I want you all to be pondering. Who shot JR?


To be continued....

Update:

Pendergast: Ok Ladies and Gentlemen I have an update of my investigation into the shooting of JR. As everyone knows the 1st 48 hours after a crime are crucial in solving any case so I’ve wasted no time in beginning my investigation. Based on the presumption that someone did indeed shoot JR, you always start with who has the most to gain. So I began my investigation at the Platoon arena and those that dealt with JR on a daily basis. Upon searching the locker room, a white T-shirt drenched with red stains was found in the garbage can. JR is known for wearing white T-shirts as he apparently was a big fan of Simon Cowell who wore similar attire. So, we are guessing that the shooter after disposing of JR was very foolish in dropping a key piece of evidence in the Baltimore locker room. The person on the Platoon who has the most to gain with the demise of JR would be of course Assistant GM Sabo Tage. Quite an appropriate name for a shady character who might have been tired of waiting in the wings for the Head GM job. We brought Mr. Tage in for questioning. He broke down into tears and claimed this had to be a terrible mistake and that someone was trying to frame him. Sure he would love the GM job but JR was his friend and he could never ever harm him after all they’ve endured together. Mr. Tage was asked for his whereabouts in the last several hours and when was the last time he saw JR. He claimed to have seen JR at the local greasy spoon across from the arena this morning devouring a huge stack of pancakes with what looked to be a couple lbs. of bacon. As for his whereabouts he stated that he was at the local Victoria’s secret shop purchasing a new garter belt to wear under his uniform since he had trouble holding his socks up. Store video surveillance confirmed his story and in case you were wondering the garter belt he purchased was blue with white lace trim. Having crossed Mr. Tage from the suspect list I will continue to search for person who placed the soiled T-shirt in the trash at the locker room. More details to follow as I find them….




Pendergast: We have decided to release a photo of the T-shirt in this case. While this is an unusual procedure, we’re hoping someone will recognize this and lead us to either JR or to his shooter. We still have plenty of other evidence we’re holding back as identifiers in this case. The reason being is we receive phony confessions all the time. And today was no exception. As word got out about the disappearance of JR a gentleman came forward claiming to have committed the crime. Baltimore superfan Boog Grich stated that he was the one who shot JR. Mr. Grich is well known around the arena, security always catching him sneaking around in the locker room looking for souvenirs. When questioned about the shirt Mr. Grich claimed to have planted it in the Platoon locker room to bring suspicion onto a Platoon player who he claims are nothing but a bunch of worthless bums and are a disgrace to the city of Baltimore. When asked why he shot JR Mr. Grich claimed he was tired of a GM whose team was mired in mediocrity and wanted someone new to take over the helm. Mr. Grich however failed to identify the caliber of the shell casing found at the scene. It was also found out that at the time of JR’s disappearance Mr. Grich was seen leaving the office of his psychiatrist who while being unable to comment on the record did give Mr. Grich an alibi for the time and speculated that even though Mr. Grich had serious mental deficiencies in his opinion the shooter would have been someone jealous of JR. As Mr. Grich is hereby eliminated our search continues, anyone having information please contact the FBI’s tip line.



Pendergast: I decided to discount the doctor’s theory of jealousy at this time and continued to look at someone who would have a more personal motive for harming JR. I decided to look into someone the FBI has had their eyes upon for another matter, the oldest Platoon player Mr. Dayymo Ralchankinov. Mr. Ralchankinov according to several witnesses was heard threatening to do something about JR if he didn’t get the team turned around. Ralchankinov’s SHL career is soon to be coming to an end and he made his desire for another cup run pretty vociferously in the locker room. Not having won since S47 was grating heavily on Mr. Ralchankinov and he was becoming more and more frustrated with the lackluster play of the Platoon. He blamed this on a lack of focus from his general manager who in addition to his duties with the platoon held quite a demanding position for the league. According to a player who didn’t wish to be identified he heard Dayymo muttering about how he was gonna get that lousy son of a bitch. Mr. Ralchankinov has been on the FBI’s radar for quite some time due to his alleged ties to the Russian mob. He has been very careful to cover his tracks and was quite belligerent when asked his whereabouts at the time of JR’s demise. He claims he was at the local fish market trying to source some Russian caviar. The fish market is a front for the Russian mob who uses that location to meddle in US affairs. On wiretap we heard Mr. Ralchankinov giving them the name of a computer hacker he had found who could help the Russians sway the upcoming Presidential election. Mr. Ralchankinov has been ruled out of the JR investigation but he now has some serious questions he must answer the FBI on his links to election meddling. The search continues for JR and the list of suspects keeps growing. More updates to follow…


Pendergast:
Another person of interest in this case is the General Manager of the Kelowna Knights, Katth. Mr. Katth apparently went into a rage in the SMJHL discord when it was announced that the SHL would be taking juniors simmers Kalakar for the main league. Mr. Katth was absolutely livid, claiming that it was typical of the SHL to crap on the junior league and steal away their best executives. Kalakar had made a huge name for himself simming the junior league and activity and passion in the minors had never been higher. Mr. Katth, being the dedicated SMJHL GM that he is was overheard in the discord saying that this wasn’t right and he was going to do something about it. In the hiring announcement where Kalakar happily accepted the new position Mr. Katth referred to him as a traitor. It is quite possible that being unable to change the outcome and facing the fact the juniors were going to take a major blow it’s entirely possible he decided to take his revenge on JR for stepping down from his position, costing the junior league. Mr. Katth was brought in for questioning. He was quite evasive regarding his whereabouts at the time of the incident. When pressed he reluctantly agreed to provide the FBI his whereabouts. Apparently, Mr. Katth has been producing a forbidden stimulant drink for his players on the Knights. He led the FBI to his secret still where he brewed copious amounts of beaver testicle tea in an effort to give his players an edge. We duly reported this to the SMJHL and Commissioner Badwolf has had no comment thus far on this situation. I am starting to run out of suspects and the clock is ticking. I will update you when I have more information to report….



Pendergast: It came to my attention that the SHL has a highly volatile individual in Tampa Bay Barracuda Mr. Michael Fitted. Mr. Fitted is regarded as a loose cannon in the SHL and is always spouting off to the media wild conspiracy theories and lack of respect for himself and his team. Last season the Barracuda enduring a humiliating season where they lost every single game, going a putrid 0-50. This is enough to make any hard-working player lose their grips but when you put an already volatile individual in this situation the potential for something bad to happen increases exponentially. Mr. Fitted has repeatedly blamed JR for his team’s historically poor season, even going so far as to claim that JR rigged the sims so Tampa would finish the season winless. When brought in for questioning Mr. Fitted continued this absurd claim. When presented with the facts that the sim is shown live and there is no possible way for it to be rigged, he claimed that JR has all sorts of time loops and cameras set up and could actually accomplish a set up. Mr. Fitted when confronted by the facts became agitated and started rambling on about all kinds of conspiracy theories which basically had no facts to support them. He then refused to answer any more of my questions and just started sending out a series of random tweets. Although Mr. Fitted cannot be ruled out I have no evidence on which to hold him at this time.



Pendergast: I decided to possibly take what Mr. Grich’s doctor said into consideration that perhaps jealousy was involved. Having heard the rumor that it has been a dummy simulating the games this season I decided to investigate who could possibly gain from making JR look bad. It led me to an unusual suspect in the man who would be taking over JR’s position in the near future Kalakar. JR has been a beloved simmer for so long, following him may have been an increasing arduous task and weighing on Kalakar’s mind. While doing amazing things for the SMJHL, maybe Kalakar figured if he got rid of JR and made the SHL simmer look really poorly this season by doing the sims himself as the dummy simmer he could make his first season at the helm a triumphant one when compared to the havoc he wreaked in JRs last season to make himself look better. While this scenario is highly unlikely, I had to do my due diligence and look into this possibility. The fact that JR had been seen just recently eating a monster breakfast would lead me to believe that this theory was complete lunacy. I must say Mr. Kalakar was very gracious in his interview and expressed great admiration for JR. he said he only wished he could be half as good as JR and he would consider his career a success. He said people have tried to stir up things between them over some silly award deal but he had nothing but the best to say about JR. The hunt continues….



Breaking news:

Pendergast: The FBI has just learned that the stain on the carpet in JR’s home as well as the stained T shirt was in fact not blood. It was apparently a form of marinara sauce. It is a known fact JR was stepping away from his simming job to enter chef school. It looks like he was working on a new type of marinara sauce. We found on his computer invoices for tomatoes that only grow on one farm in Italy as well as for many different herbs from this same farm. Apparently, this highly flavorful tomato is much sought after for its blood red color. We also found a recipe for this marinara sauce in a secretly encoded file on JR’s computer as well as techniques for butchering chickens and making fresh mozzarella cheese. Seems JR was trying to make the ultimate chicken parm to try and dethrone the reigning championship parm served at none other than the Calgary Dragon’s home arena.



This led me to the only man who would have the audacity to pull off a crime of this nature, the monster himself, Esa Parmborg. Mr. Parmborg was brought in for questioning and at first, he pretended to not have any idea what we were talking about. One thing I didn’t release to you members of the press was that a size 19 shoe print was found in the stain on the carpet, exactly the size show worn by Mr. Parmborg. When confronted with this damning evidence Mr. Parmborg became extremely nervous. He finally admitted to being in JR’s home to confront him about the new parm recipe he heard JR was making. There can be only one Mr. Parmborg told JR and that is the Dragon’s parm. He said JR just laughed in his face and told him that his new parm would make the dragons taste like a McChicken sandwich. This enraged Mr. Parmborg and the 2 scuffled. Mr. Parmborg proceeded to douse JR with his own sauce. Realizing what he had done and temporarily having blinded JR he claims to have run from the house and driven away. When pressed about the shell casing found at the scene Mr. Parmborg claims to know nothing about a gun. He says JR was alive and screaming at him when he left and that’s all he knows. Mr. Parmborg will be detained until further notice and the results of the paraffin test for gunshot residue come back. I begged him to tell us what he had dome with JR’s body for the sake of Jr’s family but he shouted I DIDN’T SHOOT JR!!
I will update you when the results of the test come back and we formally place Mr. Parmborg under arrest.


Conclusion:
Pendergast: OK folks we have a shocking turn of events. JR has been found alive and well. He returned home to find his house in shambles and crime scene tape all over and was visibly agitated when the officer wouldn’t let him into his own home. I’ve been up for 2 days and I need to sleep JR hollered at the officer. He was told to calm down and that I Agent Pendergast would explain to him what was going on. I arrived at the scene to find a visibly agitated JR cussing and swearing and pacing back and forth on his front lawn. I proceeded to fill him in on the events prior and asked him some questions. Yes he did get into an altercation with Esa Parmborg over his new chicken parm sandwich. I asked if he could explain the stained T shirt at the Platoon arena and he said he had gone to change into his Platoon sweater for an appointment and since Parmborg had him running late he had to change at the arena and threw the shirt away. Asked about his car JR said he had called a cab since he was covered in marinara sauce and didn’t want to ruin his fine Corinthian leather interior. Most importantly I asked him about the shell casing found at the scene. He explained that it was a gift from a wounded serviceman he had been going to see to remind him of the sacrifices made and what the name Baltimore Platoon meant to the armed forces. When asked his whereabouts he hesitated and was reluctant to come forth. Thinking it was something sordid like this whole farce that had been perpetrated I explained to him he had to tell me where he was. He told me that ever since the Platoon moved to Baltimore he had secretly been visiting the wounded soldiers at Walter Reed hospital. He would go in his Platoon jersey and spend time cheering them up and listening to their stories and signing autographs. He told me a new batch of wounded men had arrived and he was there all night trying to bring comfort to the men and their families.

I was deeply moved and he asked me not to reveal this as he didn’t want any credit for doing this work. I told him unfortunately that since was such a huge event in the area the story would have to be told. He asked me to do him one favor. I said I would if I could and he asked me to keep that big dipshit Parmborg in lockup for the full 48 hour holding window and give him the crappiest food available. After all the bastard ruined my favorite T-shirt. So, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, it turns out the mystery of who shot JR was not really a shooting after all. Mr. Parmborg will be released in the next day or so and I’m sure he will have much to answer for to you in the media. Good day.