I think an Edmonton Battle Royale would have a set of tiers to it. Despite what one of my dear teammates, James Truong , has said, Jean-Paul Boivin opens up the tier of lanky noodle boys who would not be able to hold their own. It would be like seeing an uncooked spaghetti noodle trying to launch an offensive against Mario from the Mario Brothers Super Show, who famously loves pasta. He's got no meat on his body whatsoever. He may hit a lot but fuck, it's like getting a carrot stick tossed at you (this is a joke, JPB is deceptively strong given their size). Along the same vein, Axel Foley, William Hartmann, Kyle Sutton, and Daniel LaForest wouldn't stand a chance. They have young minds and spry bodies, but they lack the expertise of experienced fighters.

On the sidelines of this battle royale the aforementioned James Truong would opt not to fight, and no one would want to fight them. Alongside them would be Emiko Spector, who as the teams net minder, is safe from attacks for obvious reasons. Monty Montgomery isn't so lucky, since the team has seen the effects of Peter Ramsay's net presence, and he is therefore expendable. Jon Forty-One is another player I feel would stay out of conflict, they're a giving player with their league-leading assist counts, but not in the business of giving their team the business with physical threats.

In the tier of capable fighters I have to point to my proposed winner: Julio Tokolosh. Tokolosh has a lot of power, throws their weight around, and is a literal cow. I mean like, the humane aspect of fighting a cow is bad enough but to actually, like, do it? How would you even go about that? Maybe the team has to band together to incapacitate Julio with their sticks before fighting? Who knows, Julio's power is out of this world with his bovine origins. The other top contender I see is Tony Pepperoni. Old man strength is a real thing, and I firmly believe that Tony has what it takes to win out over a cow--potentially. On top of leading offseason workouts, Tony has an IQ for the game that makes them a premier two-way centre on Edmonton's second line. Excellent positioning, stick-work, and the grit to block shots make a great combination for the Pepperoni meister. The battle royale may just come down to a bull in a china shop against a seasoned veteran of the league, and there is no telling how this matchup could play out.