Quote:1. Written, 3 TPE (150 words min.)
Reflection on your season - how did your player fare on the ice this season? Did you meet or surpass your individual player goals or did you come up short? Whether you excelled or disappointed - what can you attribute that to? What will you try to do better next season?

The Big Wanger, aka Augustus Wang, had the most erect season of his entire Simulation Hockey League career. The Wang Gang led the entire league in scoring this season with 16 goals and 45 assists which was good for 61 points if you can’t do the math. Nobody other than his teammates expected him to be such a big stud this season with his big, throbbing shot and his silk smooth passes that look like they’re on a rope coming at you. A lot of this is from the good people over at SHL Kush who were very helpful in formulating the newest and greatest products over at SHLKush.com. For this recent season, SHL Kush went ahead and increased Wang’s discount code to 21% off while also increasing the concentration of all their goods by another 1%. You can tell that the increase in dankness has increased his performance and you can too by using code WANG21 to save 21% on all of your orders at SHLKush.com so that you can reach full mast just like Augustus did this past season.

(181 Words) 3/16

Quote:2. Written, 2 TPE (100 words min.)
Create a new skater or goalie role for FHM. In what scenarios is this new player role best utilized? What attributes are considered important attributes to this new role, and why? Which attribute is the key one?

The Gabriel Johnson role would likely be the most overpowered role in the entire league if it were to be introduced into the FHM engine. This is mainly due to the benefits a team would have from properly utilizing the role itself. For context, the role involves placing the player designated with the role “on the block” or “on the bench indefinitely”, all of which are especially valuable for teams like the Seattle Argonauts Garglenuts who have 2 of the most flaccid players in the entire league in Gabriel Johnson and Jack Kanoff. In all situations on and off the ice, you will see immediate improvements to your team by placing them into the “Gabriel Johnson” role as they will no longer be malignant tumors that erode your team’s performance. Professionalism and temperament are the most (and only) important attributes for this role because anyone with the role needs to accept that they’re a plug.

(155 Words) 5/16

Quote:3. Written, 3 TPE (150 words min.)
Over the offseason your player is getting involved in some charitable causes. What is your player/team doing around the community/for charity this offseason?

For the Season 57 offseason, the Wang Gang have partnered with SHL Kush once again to donate money to communities across Ontario, Canada, and also having Augustus Wang himself speak on the important topic of sexual education in schools across the province. Schools often have poor sexual education programs which can negatively impact adolescents’ sexual maturation as they transition into adulthood. Wang looks to dispel any and all myths that these kids may have and teach them how to properly wheel, snipe and celly safely. The Big Wanger has proven that he has an other-worldly amount of experience on the topic of sex and intimacy and he looks to teach kids how to become sexually aware adults in the future. The money that is being donated by Wang and SHL Kush aims to create safe clinics in less fortunate communities to improve their health screening and improve the medical infrastructure.

(150 Words) 8/16

Quote:4. Written, 1 or 2 TPE
HAIKUS - write 2 SHL themed haikus for 1 TPE or 4 SHL themed haikus for 2 TPE.

Wang Gang clappin’ bombs
Careful cause we f-ing moms
They want our protein

Jack Kanoff Johnson
The worst d-men in the league
Gargling my nuts

9/16

Quote:8. Graphic, 3 TPE
Design a Challenge Cup championship t-shirt for one of the teams in the finals. (A four-star cup t-shirt for the SMJHL is ok as well.) Hey maybe if your design is good enough it'll make it to the merch store!

12/16

Quote:12. Written, up to 4 TPE - Pick up to 4 Challenge Cup related topics to write about! Each topic is worth 1 TPE. Each answer must be 50+ words.
a. The season series between these two teams was tied 3-3. Do you think either team has an advantage in this series or do you see it as a true toss up?
b. Each of these teams boasts a very strong first powerplay unit - which team has the special teams advantage in this series?
c. Which of these two teams' brandings do you prefer? Take into account colors, logo, name, location, and anything else you consider relevant.
d. Would you rather get a lap dance from Hugh Jazz, have a staring contest with Luke Atmey (velv's old player), reach for objects on high shelves with Dale Miller, or play League with Parker Smeb?

a.) Neither team has an advantage because both of them resemble the extreme inequality that exists in the league. They are both at the peak of the league but lack the professionalism that true champions require. If anything, it’s a shame that we have these two dumpster fires representing the league on its biggest stage. (54 Words)

b.) The Steelhawks definitely have the advantage because they do not watch anime. It has been proven that people who watch anime or read manga are the absolute scum of the world and are better off under the boot of the rest of those in society. However, if you were to really emphasize the “special” to include special needs people such as weebs, then the Syndicate would be the winners. (69 Words – nice)

c.) Both of them are trash. I don’t know why you’d want to be associated with a “steel hawk” or a “syndicate”. Neither are intimidating and once again, it is a travesty that we have a bunch of cheaters against a bunch of weebs. This challenge cup finals will go down as the most disgraceful finals in history because the branding of both teams is subpar and does not include enough sexual energy or innuendo. (74 Words)

d.) I love myself some BOOBA so this one’s an easy answer. I’d obviously go with Hugh Jazz because a big man like him is definitely packing a big trunk that makes the Wang turn into a hunk. Nothing like playing some slap ass with the boys and bringing in the man with the biggest ass in the league. (58 Words)

16/16