1.

Otis B Driftwood has been playing hockey for a long time, a very long time. He has gone from prospect to promising rookie to superstar to, now, a long slow slide back down the ladder towards eventual irrelevancy and retirement. At this point in that slide he resides on the level marked veteran defensive presence. In an effort to extend his career and still add value to the squad overall Otis has been focusing solely on keeping his defensive skills sharp with a little time spent on maintaining passing skills and puck handling.

This becomes clear when one looks at Driftwood’s stats from this past season. The offensive numbers won’t impress anyone. The defensive metrics on the other hand are excellent. He wants to keep that puck moving on offense and get it on the sticks of the guys that can produce the most with it. On defense, he tries to read and diagnose the other team’s intentions, get in the right position to disrupt their flow and use his physicality to spread some fear.


3.

It was the beloved poet laureate Maya Angelou who said when we give cheerfully and accept gracefully, everyone is blessed. Otis B Driftwood is not one to argue with brilliance. Therefore he has attempted to give cheerfully to those who would accept gratefully throughout his career. He does this in a variety of ways. He has given time and money to a number of soup kitchens in the Calgary area. He makes charitable appearances for groups such as the Boys & Girls Club and Make a Wish.

The charities that are nearest and dearest to Otis’ heart though are women’s shelters. These shelters are often unwanted in a given neighborhood and have a tough time finding and maintaining residences. Otis gives a good deal of money in order to cut through red tape and get shelters approved and renovated. When scumbag battering ex husbands and or boyfriends find out where their former partners are staying and show up looking to make trouble, Otis will rush on over and teach these abusive douchebags a few lessons in respect. Otis will hang around the common areas and play with the kids, so in need of a strong male role model. Finally, Otis understands these women need a chance to feel like beautiful, desirable goddesses again. They need to be worshipped, loved and allowed to safely explore their own needs and desires without fear of violence or abuse. Big ole cuddly teddy bear Otis is always on hand to show these ladies they can grab pleasure with both hands and ride it like a bucking bronco all night long.


4.

Otis B Driftwood
Has a long, girthy phallus
You may touch it now

Calgary Dragons
Eating lots of chicken parms
Soon, heartburn is felt

Darth Esa Soze’
Mighty Sith Lord of hockey
Bad poker player

Nikolai Evans
Spoiled Tsarevich, what a bum
Affluenza strikes

@ztevans
@Steelhead77


5.

The Calgary Dragons are always the best team not to make it to the finals any year they are unfortunate enough not to make it. This is an obvious answer as the Calgary Dragons are the best team that has ever taken the ice in the SHL. Led by the greatest GM in league history, Esa Anrikkanen and greatest Co GM and team leader in league history, Mike Izzy, the Dragons know no equal. They make the playoffs basically every year. They’ve won more cups than anyone else. They’ve made more finals than anyone else. It’s just pretty obvious given even a cursory examination. No other team in the SHL can Ho,d a candle to the Calgary Dragons.



6.

This year’s IIHF tournament should be a highly competitive affair. There are quite a few teams that feel they have a legitimate shot at international glory. Of course, ultimately there can only be one team taking home the gold. And nothing goes better with gold than Red, White and Blue. Team USA is going to rise up and lay the smack down on the rest of the world. We are going to give this deeply divided nation something we can all universally be proud of. America will rise as one to cheer and support the brave lads sacrificing their blood sweat and tears out there on the ice. Old man Otis B. Driftwood has made a lot of money, won cups and medals galore during his long and illustrious career. At this point he plays for fun, for his teammates and as exercise for his fat ass. And for Otis nothing is more fun than beating up some Euro trash schmuck that thinks he’s slick. Driftwood is going to the IIHF tournament to bring home the gold and knock some poor fools teeth down their throats.


15. Anal moisture