Artemius Nystrom is a junior-league hockey goon born in Luleå, Sweden, in 2025, and has done nothing of greater note since. The Colorado Raptors signed him in late S58, and play him on whatever wing will give him fewer chances to give the puck to the other team in a given season. A talentless ape with the hockey IQ of a cooked puck, Nystrom likes nothing more than to try to kill a better player than him who happens to have the puck, hope the referees don't call it, then take the puck the other way, very occasionally score on a glorified penalty shot, then pretend he's a real hockey player.
Unfortunately, the Edmonton Blizzard wasted a second-round pick on this thug, which has thus far allowed him to continue his delusions of a professional hockey career.
In his two seasons with the Raptors to date, he has won absolutely nothing. In the most recent season, despite being heavy favorites over the Anchorage Armada, his Raptors were swept out of the playoffs in their first round of competition. Fans of skilled players and intelligent hockey the world over rejoiced at this development, and continue to hold out hope that Nystrom will lose heart and abandon professional hockey before he disgraces the sport at its highest level of competition by getting arrested on assault charges.

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