Quote:

"Hey advice column! I'll cut right to the chase because frankly, this is urgent. I have 60+ live horseshoe crabs in my car, just sort of scuttling and wriggling around in there. I cannot get them out. The car is an '09 Camaro. It's a beautiful car but it is full of crabs. When I try to open the door, they band together and hold it closed. They are too strong. One time they rolled down the window and beckoned me over-- when I stuck my head in, they snipped me on the nose and rolled it back up! Now my nose is big and red. It is a nightmare. What can I do? Signed: Crab Camaro in Concord, NH."
Dear Crab Camaro,

I'm afraid there is a lot to unpack here. Let' begin with the car. An '09 Camaro is not a beautiful car. As with most things in the early 2000's the Camaro was redesigned and distorted to the point that it was completely unrecognizable compared to its incredible forefathers of the late 60's and early 70's. Step 1 is to get rid of that atrocity and ride the bus where you can only get crabs from sitting on a cloth seat. Step 2 is to call the cheapest tow truck company you can find and get that nightmare on wheels towed to the nearest ocean cliff. Preferably no less than 200 feet. I have no idea how you will get the damn thing in neutral but I'm assuming it has something to do with the transmission? I don't know. Hit it with a rock. Once you get that bad boy rolling give it a gentle nudge and watch as you do everyone a favor and remove that vehicle from the above water world. Crabs are back in the water, that awful car cant hurt anyone any more and now you're best friends with the bus driver. 

You're welcome.