Creative Prompt
Dear Crab,

This is quite the situation. I had crabs once - never hook up with a chick with a face tattoo - and a medicated shampoo cleared it right up. Your situation seems somewhat more complicated though.

As I see it, you have three options:

1) Report your car stolen - tow your car a couple streets away, make up some bullshit and call it in. When it is found, the crabs are the problem of the local police department.

2) Insurance fraud - like the above, but light your car on fire before you report it stolen. You can collect the insurance, and probably get some decent meat out of the crabs. Bring some thousand island for dipping.

3) Cut your losses - you mentioned that an encounter with the crabs had left you with a big red nose... it's time to cash in on that and join the circus. You are now a natural clown. With all your clowning money you can afford a new car. Maybe one with crab-proofing.

Good luck with it,

Crunk