Corporate office so totally legit

Hello, my friends, its coming to that time of the year once again when underhanded sleazy SHL and SMJHL, GMs, Co-GMs, and scouts will start pummeling you rookies with questions.  Now we here at the Spidey Talent Agency are going to prepare you for the future you are about to experience over the coming weeks to months as these uncaring, unloving, godless monsters of these teams reach out to make contact and start peppering you to see what you are made of.  Not to worry with our guidance you too will be prepared for whatever they are about to throw at you. 



Why over the last 2 draft classes we have been able to help a surviving 57.63% of players that have attended, those players have gone on to have fairly successful lives within the SHL and at home.  Don’t believe me?  Just take this testimonial for example:

“With the Spidey Talent Agency I was able to get drafted into the SMJHL and I didn’t have to sacrifice my younger brother to dark gods, unlike some of the others in my draft class.” 
- Zach Cuff Jr

Now the first thing to understand a lot of GMs and Scouts will try to pretend this is not a question period and go about claiming to have a “Causal Conversation.”  Don’t fall for it!  If they are not "questioning you" they believe they can get around having a lawyer present but we at the STA (Spidey Talent Agency) know better.  So, repeat after me…”I can’t speak to you until I have my agent present.”  If they go and run and hide, you got yourself a GM acting shady. 

“I try to catch players off guard by asking them to a casual conversation.  Once we chat for a few moments and they relax that’s when I drive home the difficult questions and see how they do.  Most of the time it tells me players are prepared.” 
- Anonymous GM Southpaw

Another well known dirty trick they might try to do is send over a friend of yours.  They will try little things like saying how excited they are for you, or they might ask you for a favor.  If you have not seen this person in a few seasons or years, they ain’t no friend anymore and they are just trying to weasel you into a bad situation.  Once you commit to a team you lose all your power for negotiation.  Repeat after me, “And who are you, where have you been for they last “x amount of time”, sorry I don’t have time for pretenders!”

“I tried to weasel a few of my old teammates onto my team by pretending to be their buddy, but the STA had already trained them what to say, instead they ended up playing for a winning team.” 
- Anonymous scout Sea*y148

You will get questions like:

Q: “Where do you want to play for?”
A: Anywhere paying top dollar!  How much do you have left in your team’s budget? 
(This will let them know you mean business and money talks.  No one wants to waste their lives doing media articles.)

Q: “What brought you here?”
A: Your Mom after I finished with her last night, she also asked me to drop off your lunch, but I ate the cookies and drank your juice box, enjoy.
(This asserts dominance and lets them know, you know where they live, maybe show a picture of you playing with their dog when you offer this answer.)

Q: “What do you look for in a SHL Locker room?”
A: Open showers.
(Leave it there with this one.  Shows you are confident in yourself, also you are hoping for a free show after all why pay for perverts’ row at the strip club when your teammate provides it for free.)

Q: “What kind of players are you looking to become?”
A: “Backdoor Reaper.”
(No one knows what it means but it sounds erotic and if they sound into that, you know you found a good place to get drafted too.)

Q: “Do you have any knowledge of FHM?”
A: Yes to FHM, I am a master of the system and have had many success in ___ (made up sim league). 
(Even if you know nothing about FHM, no one really understands how it works.  If something pans out you look like a genius, if it fails everyone says that is just FHM doing FHM things, it is a win/win situation!  Don’t worry about the bullshit sim league no one ever checks, if they do just tell them if folded and that’s why you are here.)

Q: “Wow you seem great, because of all the answer above, specially my Mom’s bit, she is a lonely woman after my dad passed away, I am grateful you are there to comfort her.  Do you want to join “my team” and provide me with the same comfort and love I have been missing?”
A: Wow you are needy, I think I will take my business elsewhere.
(BOOM you got the schmook in your pocket!)

Q: “Are you planning on hopping teams?”
A: Yes, I have a personal goal to suck the funds dry on every team in the SHL, so start saving your dollar bills now so you can afford me when the time comes.
(Hey money talks, and any businessman can respect that, especially a GM.  We aren’t here to make friends we are here to run a business.  And so are they.)

Q: “We are looking to go into a rebuild, are you ok with that?”
A: Of course not, call me in a few years when you are out of the rebuild.  I am here to win championships and collect Checks, that's all I do. 
(If they have to warn you they are already expecting to lose, no one has time for that, fuhgeddaboudit.)



If you stick to the script I guarantee you will be a 5th round pick or better.  That’s right SMJHL and SHL hopefuls this is your surefire way to get a dream job here at the SHL as you embark on your career.  Just look at this other mook, who’s doing well and stuff.

“I thought I was a goalie, but STA told me forget being a goalie they make nothing, and no one cares about them.  Guess what I was a center all along and I had no idea.  Now I am the toast of the town, and I am getting offers from all the GMs and Scouts.”
– Activity Check

That was from a third rounder!  That’s right folks sign up now for the Spidey Talent Agency and I will help you out with other difficult SHL situations:

- Contract Negotiations
- Media Appearances
- Making That Dead Lady or Gentleman of the Night Go Away
- Late Night Parties
- Path to the Cup (What to train and why)
- Injuries and How to Make Bank on Insurance Fraud
- Bankruptcy Claims you Friend
- Friends who needs friends, you have STA to be in your back pocket!

Still unsure?!  What is wrong with you.  OK fine here is another of our satisfied clients:

“I used to be scared of the draft and all my dirty secrets would be leaked.  But under STA I was able to shanghai a GM to trade up for me and blow the team’s future on myself.  Hey if they have no future they need to put those bucks somewhere and guess where that somewhere is…THIS GUY!”
– Furious Chicken

BOOM!  What else do you need?  Sign up now!  You won’t be disappointed as we get to work for you, so you don’t have too.  Hey I am not just the owner, operator and asshat in charge of operations, I am also a client. 

“I tricked my SMJHL and SHL team to bet on a bunch of magic beans, me.  I have produced a ton of TPE but no real results in the SMJHL, somehow they still think I am a STAR and got myself drafted 4th overall!  HA!”
– Logan Webb