3. Secret Plans

It’s never too early to start thinking about how you’re going to gain a competitive edge next season! How is your team going to go the extra mile to get wins next season? Is it a secret training regimen? Sneaky equipment modifications? Booby trapping the visiting teams’ locker room? Anything goes.

I shouldn't really be talking about our most secret plans, I'd hate to think someone else would steal our ideas, but we all need that sweet, sweet TPE, so whatever. I was sneaking around our head office trying to get my Tamogatchi back that our trainer confiscated from me, and couldn't help but eavesdrop on what R&D was cooking up for next year. In an effort to save money on new equipment, specifically shoulder pads and chest protectors, all the players will have to opportunity to elect to have "Tactical Breast Augmentation Surgery". Anyone who chooses to accept the procedure will be equipped with anywhere from double d to triple m sized implants, based on their risk assessment level. In theory, the silicone filled funbags will absorb up to 50x more kinetic energy than standard gear, and weigh about 20x less, allowing for faster play, more maneuverability, and less injuries. Definitely food for thought, I think they mentioned something about attendance records being broken as well...



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14. R&R

It's almost officially the offseason. Whether you just won the cup or didn't even make it past the first round of the playoffs, it's time to take a break and look toward the SHL draft. Tell us how you're spending your time this offseason, whether it be with family or friends.


I think I'll be putting myself to work this offseason working with my adoptive father, Mats, by helping him run his roaming pickled fish and lox truck. After spending all my money on "weekly training", I could use a couple extra bucks to pop down on a weekend and visit the red light district - I mean, Sweden?

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15. Charity Drive

Professional hockey players are among the luckiest members of a community, but not everyone is given the same opportunities. As such, many players are expected to give back to the community by volunteering their time and energy off the ice with various charitable organizations. Write about a charity or event that your player helped out with.

Just before I was signed to the Timber, I was volunteering with a charity group in South Boston called Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away (CAFFA). It's an organization that raises awareness about the rising trend of children who are allergic to cinnamon. It's not quite as aggressive as peanuts or gluten, and with the proper research done, no one has to be hurt by cinnamon again. We actually did a bake sale last week! I made...churros. Ah shit.

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