Mother lover! Bilbo the Love Machine Lion is going to die.

It is never a good idea to mess with my gear, that is holy and sacred, but the dumbass mascot believed it to be a funny prank. After confirmation with a few of the back stage staff with the use of waterboard, car battery torture, removing a few finger nails and teeth (truthfully the told me the moment I asked, but hey, a guy’s got to be sure). It was time to plan my revenge.

Ever seen home alone? Now imagine you had $250 million to exact revenge Kevin McAllistar Style.

Now the creepy mascot suit is kept in his own personal locker room. He always enters through a side entrance to the arena closest to the locker room. Walks the same path 10 feet straight ahead to a small security check point takes a left 12.5 feet, and finally a right 5 feet to his personal locker room. Inside there is a small trampoline, free weight set and laid out on a chair is his molestasuit ready to be worn. I would only have one night to prepare everything so we went right to work with the best in the business to set everything up (ever watch that show wipeout, those guys but all safety hazards were removed).

The next day the creep came in at his usual time and cameras were setup to record everything. He swiped his card, activating a system of 10 car batteries at full charge. Once he grabbed the handle he was sent flying 20 feet back 5 feet in the air, crashing into the windshield of his own personal clown car. He went to his phone to call for help but that little thing was destroyed. The door then swung open, and as the nimrod questioned everything he knew to be right he ventured in.

He walked forward and the door slammed shut. The lights in the hallway went out and he was in perfect darkness other then a faint glow from the security station a head. He reached out and placed one hand on the wall and the other forward and started inching his way to the station. When the security guard called out, “get your ass over here and present ID! Hurry it up or I will take you down!”

Well that sniveling sucker cried out, “I am coming, hold on, I am coming!” Taking his hand off the wall and activing trap two. From the security station 1000 marbles were released. As he started moving quicker he did not hear or see as they spread out across the floor. The next 15 minutes were spills, falls, slips, and fails of epic proportions as the security guard called threats to the man over and over again.

When he finally managed to get the guards table he was sent on his way but told “The boss wants you in costume asap, says there is a promo shoot happening in 5 mins? Why the hell are you running so late man!”

The poor sap, did not have time to think and took off down the hall. Now we had a number of other traps planned, but the end result he only tripped two others, really it was poor planning on my fault. The first was a loose brick that fell out above his door when he opened it up. I am not sure why, but he took a short nap after that one. When he did get up he quickly stumbled over to his costume. Sat down on the chair and the entire floor gave way to a small pit of hilarious snakes below. Don’t worry I did not use poisonous ones I am not a psychopath. But who knew 2 Anacondas were enough to make a man rethink all his life choices.

Long story short the San Francisco Pride are now looking for a new Mascot, a person who will not pull pranks on the team.