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"I genuinely spent so long teaching these children how to play Tekken that I completely forgot that we had an international hockey tournament coming up."

New Zealand's head coach, Seattle's Benson Fiorentini, spoke to the media after his team was disqualified from the International U14 Hockey Tournament this weekend for playing what he describes as a "hyper-physical game."

"Yeah, you know, last year I helped out these girls from outer space--do any of you remember that, there was the whole 'we need to play for the sanctity of our sport in a weird tournament against radioactive mice or something' bit that ended with a high murder in intergalactic court? Anyway, that tournament was essentially won on six words, right--Run 'em up, fill 'em in. So I figured, hey, you know, it worked last time and they were playing hockey against fuckin' robots or something, a few soft children from Austria aren't going to be harder to run up and fill in."

When asked whether or not he knew the rules surrounding checking and fighting in U14 International play, Fiorentini had this to say.

"Fuck, no one tells me anything until after I already did it. I mean, for fuck's sake, we beat the Austrian kids 15 to nothing."

"Yes, but you also injured every one of their top six members through physical penalties."

"Ah, fuckin' grow up. It's hockey, it's physical. We gonna teach these kids that they can't hit or something now? What happened to the game I love?"

When asked for the future of his U14 squad, Fiorentini confirmed that they had been invited to a "Tekken tournament" in Las Vegas, and would be departing immediately.