Regina were so excited to make the playoffs we weren't quite sure how to prepare for it. In the first round, we faced a tough Malamutes team that started by slapping us in the face with an 0-4 loss -- but we knew we had a secret weapon at hand: doggy treats. It was a last resort we had no intention of actually using because, well, we'd love to beat them from a strictly hockey standpoint. But when they beat us again in a 4-7 blowout, we knew the secret weapons were our only option. We won three straight, then dropped a third game to them when we tried to play fair, so out came the doggy treats for game seven.

Sadly, they were replaced with "organic, cage-free" doggy treats in a midnight raid of our team facilities, which is totally unethical (unlike the treats). The Malamutes unfortunately had zero interest in consuming our zero-meat, zero-happiness formulations and were confused of the notion of cage-free doggy treats because, let's be honest, do you see any doggy treats walking around or needing to be in cages? Of course not! The dang label on the treats themselves confused the Malamutes into beating us.

I'm not bitter about it at all. Go Elk. We'll get 'em next season.