First and foremost, my coach would probably come back to tell me that it is an absolute shock that I have even made it this far. I have not grown a single inch in height since the fifth grade, and I eat nothing but processed foods and garbage. I have gained 20 pounds every off season, and I am one hundred percent not talking about muscle. I am a short and fat, elderly man who has no business on the ice, but oh well. I honestly need someone in my life who is going to swoop in, covered in chains probably, and tell me I am a garbage ass shit hockey player and need three spirits to wake my dumb ass up and teach me how to play hockey in a non-terrible way. I accept this as probably a nitrogen induced hallucination but I heed his warnings, just in case it is actually happening.