1. Fan Appreciation Day

The Vancouver Whalers appreciation day is coming up next Friday and if you attend the game, you will receive a special commemorative item! We have a variety of items that will be handed out at the game! You may receive a beach towel that has each of the whalers players faces superimposed on which whale they would be if they could pick a whale to turn into- spoiler alert lots of the younger guys on the team chose “sperm whale”. You might also receive a magic 8 ball, with all the answers being GO WHALERS! So when you ask it- “who should I root for?” you will always get the right answer. Also an awesome item- trading cards! You can get a 3 pack of cards and see which players you got! One of these packs is extra special and comes with cards that don’t have players on them- but have instructions that can be turned in at customer service to receive a set of trading cards for the whole team! And last but not least- you may receive a set of brand new- made from 100% organic fair trade and using naturally occurring pesticide free dye- KING sized sheets. Do you have a king sized bed and your spouse won’t mind sleeping on your favorite team's logo? These sheets are for you then! Make sure you get here early for our game this Friday to be first in line so you can choose your commemorative item! Game starts at 7- get here early!

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3. Secret Plans

The Whalers have all pitched in and hired a super secret top-notch award winning scientist who is going to work on cloning the Whalers! Each Whaler will receive 5 clones and a high tech machine that can meld together them and 1 clone at a time. The clones will come in individual self sustaining freezers, so when the player is ready to use their clone they just have to press a button and recite their super secret code (supplied by the scientist) in their own voice and the clone will quickly defrost in a matter of seconds and will be ready to be used! They can send the clone to practice if they are feeling sick or have another obligation- then just meld them together in the clone melding machine and they will receive all the new skills and practice that the clone did while they were busy slacking off! This way our players can have more of a life without missing out on any training. Some of our more dedicated players might even bring their clone with them to practice and then meld so that they can get double the payout of that practice! Talk about dedication to their team. But don’t tell anyone okay? It’s a secret plan.

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4. Funtimes

As the official Fun Director of the Whalers I officially invite all the players and their families to a cookout on the ice. There will be a grill manned by Gordan Ramsy in a Whale mascot costume. He will be making burgers, hot dogs and kabobs to order and will have mac and cheese (dairy free of course to avoid potential accidental toots at the next Whalers game), cole slaw, and pasta salad. For dessert there will be cookies, walnut brownies and a giant 5 foot tall cake in the shape of an ice skate. There will be many lawn games such as Kuub, Kan Jam, and Giant Jenga just to name a few. We will also have some more advanced carnival activities such as Bungee Jumping, Bumper cars and Go Karts. 
To end the night- a concert by Oliva Rodrigo in which any of the players and their families are invited to join her up on stage to dance the “Love is Embarrassing” and other choreography from her GUTS tour. 
I hope all the players come (well, it’s mandatory so I’m sure I’ll see them all there ) and bring their families and have a great time bonding with their team. See you this Saturday at noon!

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5. Superlatives

Roman Jalopski wins the S75 superlative for best smelling hair. Even after a long game, when he takes his helmet off and slow-mo flips his hair his team gets heart eyes as they get a whiff of passion-fruit lavender peppermint rose. Roman has been known to max out his credit cards spending about $200 on each 6 ounce bottle of shampoo and conditioner which has a single drop from the tree of everlasting life which is harvested by monks who have spent over 50 years in absolute silence. It’s worth it though. Congrats to Roman and if you ever spend the night at his house, definitely use his toiletries. 

Robo Sven wins the S75 superlative for the sexiest mustache. When he skates onto the ice from the locker room, ladies have been known to faint. The Whalers arena has actually employed two additional staffed ambulances just to care for the syncopized ladies who fall victim to Sven’s mustache and general charisma at every game. It’s thick, it’s well maintained, there are never crumbs (he leaves no crumbs if you know what I mean). The way that it twists up at the end and glints against the metallic background that is robocops skin, it’s a wonder that Robo Sven has not been featured on Mustache Magazine. I gotta learn what beard oil he uses so I can also impress the ladies.


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